; shi jie mo ri

I have so much to say, but I'm nursing a raging headache after hours of crying.

My inadequacy. My helplessness..

I'm a failure. A complete one.. and no it's not just the emo kid in me speaking.

I'm a failure in friendships. Relationships. Family ties.

Studies. Chores. Mundane, banal stuff.

What am I good for? Nothing. I'm a burden to society. A waste of air on Earth.

Why do I exist, why am I made?

I wish I could just leave.

Why don't I? Am I afraid to? Or am I more afraid of regrets.. I know I'm still young and the road's a long way till the finish line. But imagine how I am now. And how pathetic I will be in years to come.

I think friendship and I realise there's not one single person I can rely on.. not one single person out there who loves me for who I am and will be there for me. I know never to expect anything from anyone but.. I'm only human.

I miss you terribly Raes. I wish you could be here. But even if you could, things wouldn't be the same. It's been years since you've left for New York. I haven't seen you for so long and god knows what will it be like if we do meet again.

I'm not complaining. I really am not. But sis, Vic and Mich, Josh would be there more for their men/women or other issues than myself. I'm not begrudging nor hoping anything would change. I understand and all. But sometimes I wish I would be a little more important. I don't know what I want. I don't know what I'm talking.

The rest, a number of good friends.. I don't know. Close, but not close enough? I can't think coherently now. I'm just typing whatever comes to mind.

There's been a number of guys in my life this year. Sam, Jh, Alwin, Pd, Cx, Bk. And these are merely the ones which made larger impacts than the rest I'm not bothering to mention. And I screwed up in everyone. Don't get me wrong, I'm not like oh I love you by speaking these names again. It's just.. I feel like I've made mistakes after mistake. Sam, Jh, Alwin, friendship is I doubt even possible, ever again. Pd, Cx, I don't know. But we're no longer talking. And Bk? Ha that one I don't even know how to put it in words.

Family? Bro is just too occupied. And Cousin's a little self centered I guess. I mean yeah I know they love me and all but yeah. They're in their own little world. And I'm just a figure in it. Mom and Dad want what's best but they don't know the me hiding within. Behind the slacker. The bad girl who stays out without a phone call. Do they see the fragility within, the depression that threatens to overwhelm more than occasionally? I think not.

I can't do chores if you pointed a knife at me. Studies are going downhill with no concentration, no energy, no motivation. General knowledge and common sense? I don't have them.

Tell me what to do.

Grant me the strength to grow and learn from these seemingly insurmountable burdens.

And I wonder how many rejoice upon seeing this post. Hahaha. Jovina LOSER!

Yeah, well. Perhaps I am.

Everyone's leading such happy lives. I don't wanna depress them. I don't wanna speak of all these. How boring and tiring would such a person be? Precisely the need for a facade of smiles and bubbliness. Yeah and the occasional whining of so and so. People think I'm just always upset cos of some love affair or other. Maybe that's how I choose to portray myself. To protect the vulnerabilty within. But you don't know, there's so much more.

I'm lost. I really am. And I'm indulging myself a little by letting myself cry and drowning myself in tobacco.

As I'm typing this I'm having a cheerful convo on msn with a friend. Know what I mean? I can joke and laugh and be witty funny all despite everything I'm feeling inside now.

And this isn't a call for sympathy nor trying to let you guys read between the lines and pity me and treat me better or whatever shit. I meant every word when I say I don't begrudge, I know and understand.

This is why I keep a blog. This is why I write. Only because, to deal with these thoughts that won't go over.

Oh and I'm a compulsive liar. I lie about just about everything. I don't know why. I'm working on not to and I'm becoming alot better actually. Maybe just about how I feel. Forced smiles and chirpyness. Perhaps this blog is the most honest thing I have. A place where I just spill about everything.

I know I'm writing pretty much nonsense and reiterating everything but I just don't feel like cutting off this entry. I don't wanna think anymore.

I don't know what's wrong with me yknow. Why I'm such a screw up. I blame the fats and the lack of beauty but that can't be it. I mean hey the whole world's not exactly the most beautiful thing on earth but they seem to lead more fufilling shits than I do.

I haven't felt so emo in ages. I thought I was recovering but perhaps all I've been doing is to suppress everything I feel inside, replacing them with emoing about guys? I don't know. I just know there's so much more to it. So much more.

Typing whatever comes to mind.

I've been talking to Leo, Bingg and Gr about pte issues. And yeah they're great people. But maybe just not close enough. Just a random thought. And I can be a total bitch. There are people who mean so well and talk to me and ask about me but for some reason or other I just get irritatable and don't bother replying and shits.

I think I should log out. I'm talking rubbish. My eyes have been half closed since the start of this post. I'm just typing on and on. And on and on. My head's nodding.

Jovina. Out.

I just want a happy life of simplicity. Is that too much to ask?

Okay. Jovina.. really out.