Thursday, August 31, 2006

; obviously

In the last three months,

I've been compared to sunshine.
I've been told I'm oh so bubbly.
I've been thought as "You're always so happy!"

OMG! I'm torn between amusement and dismay as I realised what hopelessly deluded and misguided friends I have!

Or maybe, just maybe I've been gradually losing my gloomy emo cool and aloof aura, and replacing it with a little warmy sunshiney miss jubilant one.

I don't know whether that's good or bad news.

Imagine the stark contrast: fiery red or the morose dark colours I've always been associated with evolving into shocking hot pink! Pink! Of cotton candy and Barbies and all things annoyingly bimbotic!

OH THE HORROR!

I must have unwittingly mutated into the Paris Hiltons and Jessica Simpsons of the world! Next thing I know I'll be changing my chihuahua's name to Tinkerbell and mistaking tuna sandwiches for chicken or is it chicken for tuna?

GOD SAVE ME!

; story of a girl

Good morning starshine, the Earth says HELLO!

Wednesday, August 30, 2006

; deng dai

It's been two days since, and still no sign.

I'm getting worried, but I think it might simply be excessive paranoia like always.

Then I think, would I be informed, or not if anything happens to him?

; goodnight and go *

It's a charcoal canvas of tranquility tonight.

And I plan on savouring the moment with what else, the cancer sticks and soothing melodies.

It's time for a little healing of the soul.

Tuesday, August 29, 2006

; deng dai (for you)


Upload music at Bolt.

; more irritating playstation blares

I swear I'm fucking losing it.

Thought I heard the mention of his name and my heart practically leaped outta my chest.

The up and coming O's are fucking cramping my style.

Because of them, I feel guilty doing anything fun, or at least, my usual activities of clubbing, towning and going all the way to gardens just to chill. Only hanging in Jurong (since it's near my place) eases the guilt a little.

Guess what, I haven't studied at all. Not one bit. Chem Maths Lit CombHumans.

Okay, now there is a mention saying he's just the same, playing with a hooker and texting her. Fuck okay. I don't give one fuck la.

And it sucks that I can't do anything bout it. I won't because you deserve so much and I'm not even close to worthy right now.

Ah. I hate myself.

; irritating playstation blares

Lol they were all on tv today. Caught a glimpse. Sigh.

Went kbox-ing, travelling to buy cigs, and lepaking.

It's been a long tiring day.

And you, you're fucking missed.

; feng

I cannot seem to help it leh, I know I've become more cheena in the last two weeks.

But chinese songs are good. Give them a chance, just listen (:

; my date with a vampire

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting



Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

Monday, August 28, 2006

; whirling fans

Expected, expected.

That's all I have to say.

; turn it up

Yeah when Rnb's in the house yo yknow I'm in a pretty good mood.

I swear I'm the most foolish girl alive to allow his actions to dictate my mood. But what I heard really lifted a load of my chest.

And I don't know why, but I'm gonna savour the little sweetness when it comes, especially after sulking, emo maximus the entire day.

You gotta love lights. Marlboro lights. (:

; when you believe

It's been ages since a book last made me weep, but Nicholas Sparks Nights on Rothathe achieved that.

Bittersweet, heartwarmingly heartbreaking, tragically beautiful.. yes all the oxymorons.

Sigh..

; i'll be there for you

I can't help but feel afraid of what stories the night will bring.

With the return of my bro, and no doubt the whole bunch of them, and the tales of the day's events.. happening right now.

I don't want to think of any girl.. even a hooker sitting on your lap.

I don't want to think of the smile you'll give that sends my heart skipping.

And I don't wanna know, but I won't be able to help listening and asking..

If only tonight never come..

; more school library

Calm down Jov.

Take deep breaths, think happy thoughts.

There's no point in agitation. And it's dangerous now that you don't have your medication. Which reminds me, I gotta get more Lexotan and Fluxotine from the doctor. And collect 80 for contacts, and 90 for prom.

The boys are all towning today. Ahaha they're making sucha big occasion outta it, what with formal outfits and everything. Wish I could see him. The photos with him dressed in formal were gorgeous. Tomorrow's the 29th. The CNB reports will be out. I feel for the group of them, I really do. Today's his bro's court case for trafficking. God knows what the sentence will be. And two of three of them are already in remand, I don't know whether you read it in the papers but apparently they took a knife to a guy's head. Disturbing images but.. yeah. I'm just glad my bro, him and those I'm closer to are safe..

I've shitloads to write but the anxiety suddenly seems to be a problem. Till later.

; school library

Why do you always have to do this Mom?

You just irritate the hell outta me every fucking goddamn morning and that ruins my whole day. Which ruins my whole week. It's a vicious cycle that just keeps repeating. I'm sick of this. I repeat. I'm mother fucking tired of this nonsense.

Yeah so I overslept. Nobody woke me up yeah? How would I know this would be the day when everyone goes Oh let her sleep she'll wake up eventually? Huh? You think I'm some superhuman who can predict that, Oh today the world's gonna be irresponsible and leave me to my own devices to get to school on time? Yeah man. I'm so fucking sure.

And bloody hell. So what if my friends or acquaintances do drugs? I'm clean okay? When you bug the hell outta me about them and crack stupid stuff like what if you didn't leave the chalet earlier, and what if your brother didn't have probation, you two would prolly stay there and be caught like the rest! Ha. Ha. I'm so sure you don't know that on school days I'll reach home before 12. And when you made that senseless remark of how my friends would just slip dope into my drink and shit, I really wanted to fucking snap at you. Hey Mom? I've been there, done that. I use to do it once a month and I got tired and I see no sense in wasting more of my braincells. So hell just bloody leave me alone. Bk TOLD me before I even entered the chalet that they were gonna have a tryst just for fun. It's not an often sorta thing. It's just.. seldom. But fuck quit making wild guesses okay. I know what I ought to do and what I ought not. And the cousin wanted to go. We didn't fucking forced her. She was the one throwing tantrums because Bk asked me and Edwin didn't invite her. God.

Even the cousin's annoying this morning. I merely wanted to borrow her book and I actually left her a note about it, which she ignored. I mean hello you don't even read the book in school except for your bloody silent reading. Couldn't you lend it to me and I'll return you within a couple of hours? Selfishness. I'm sick of you too. Really. How can anyone be so hopelessly deluded I don't know. The elephantine skin of yours amuses and irritates me in turn. Look at Edwin then.. Ah forget it. I don't wanna be a total bitch and make acerbic remarks of no good to anyone. But honestly. Take a good look and reflect before commenting and throwing your temper.

You've no fucking right to tell me what to and what not to do. I don't mother fucking wanna quarrel with you but you make fucked up comments you think so right without bothering to look over your own actions and behaviour. Yeah so you're happily attached now, does that give you the right, make you immune to feelings of others? Just think back what you fucking were like before you got attached. You were worst off than myself okay? And what the hell are you doing now, attached and leading another guy on? And flirting with guys and having dears and hubbies and all those nonsensical shit?

Ah fuck it I can't help my anger and the venom within. But having unleashed I'm gonna be okay. I feel better already and that's without bitching at anyone. Or lashing out at innocent parties. That's good. That's what this blog is for.

; the shooting star that destroyed us all

I wish I could catch a glimpse of a shooting star.

Wouldn't it be nice to make a wish upon the universal symbol of hope and faith? Yes, yes I know, I can be a hopeless romantic sometimes.

Funfacts, anyone?

Do you know, that Marlboro Lights are actually a decent replacement for Reds? Just as good, if not better. And that means alot, coming from the biggest Reds fan you'll ever have the misfortune to meet.

Couple of plans for tomorrow. Gardens to study with my Sis, who's been pulling my guilty strings by her constant whinings of not meeting her for a week. I didn't realise it's been sucha long time already! Record breaking, hahaha! Otherwise, town with Michie, to uhhh.. 'celebrate' her attachment! The first putting to use of what she's been mercilessly pounded with on an almost daily basis by her Poly lecturers.

I think I should stay at home though, for a little self-study session, the first this entire year, no joke. I can't afford to, and I'm not planning to screw the most important exam of my life up. NONONO!

Sudden craving for japanese cuisine. The last really good one I had was a buffet sorta thing with the parents at some hotel. Riverwalk, Riverside.. something close.

Oh yes, Mich's entry (btw Mich and Michie, both frequent appearances on my entries, are two separate individuals, both lovely and intelligent ladies la hahaha) on the Butterfly Effect have really gotten the cerebrum working overtime. And I'm going to apply it to my life and enjoy the subtle benefits I'm sure I'll reap.

The complete amputation of hurtful fragments in my life, and the exhaustive elimination of certain people from my memories..

The consequences could be disastrous if that was possible, for a large part of my current psychological being has been moulded from those, and if purged, I might become an entirely different person. Better or worst, I don't know. But I'm certain the stark contrast would startling in the least, if not disturbing.

My way, I choose pretend to forget. Thus, I'm still the same person, but I simply don't know, or remember what I don't want to.

You might think it a complicated excuse fabricated by your truly to run away from reality, but in all honesty, I think it's an ideal plan that would make me shitloads happier.

And that's what counts. (:

; in this diary

Every night's another story.

And I've an announcement to make, upon the velvety expanse of the navy heavens tonight.


Rebirth.


Hello Jovina, welcome to the world.

Sunday, August 27, 2006

; the only difference between martyrdom and suicide

When I become PRETTY.

Which means like.

Lose 15kg.

Improve the complexion. (IT'S TERRIBLE THINK OF ME TWO MONTHS AGO AND NOW)

Long silky locks.


FIRST THINGS FIRST.

Imma get you. Play you. Throw you.

LOL.

Okay sorry bad bad. Nasty! Scheming! Conniving! (say it me and Wanwin's way)

No la. Jokes only. Why you guys get sensi all. Think too much!

Hahahahahahaha.

; i'll never break your heart. *

From as far back as my mind can travel in rewind, I've always had a soft spot for beautiful proses, flowery English language.

The digestion of two such blogs by acquaintances served as welcoming surprises.

Sadly, they directed the realisation that you and me, though both pawns going through the monotonity of everyday life, I akin our situation to you being the Northpole, and myself the South. Opposites attract.

But what happens when the magnetic fields wear out?

; all messed up. *

Good company, good setting.

Hanging out with a new friend was fun.

At least, it took my mind off you.

Saturday, August 26, 2006

; where'd you go? *

Where'd you go? I missed you so..
Seems like it's been forever since you've been gone.
Please come back home..

Friday, August 25, 2006

; the suffering

This is why I say I can't save money for the love of God.

Mom obligingly handed me 25 today for pocket money.

10. 40 for my first pack of Marlboro REDS in a week I think

12++ for Ben n Jerry's Strawberry Shortcake Icecream. Yum.

Another 3++ for Delifrance muffins.

There goes all my money. Lol.
Headache again. Shoulders and neck aching pretty worst than usual too. Sigh hope I don't need to go back to the two panadols before sleep every night thing.

I'm not sleepy but the world seems to be spinning. Not unlike last night ):

So I'm typing quite randomly again.

Orals were a piece of cake today. Will be pretty suprised if I didn't manage to score except that I screwed the reading part by reading like an express train due to sheer nerves. Convo was fun lol female examiner was smiling and the male one was groaning when I went oooh shopping does wonders for female bonding but the poor guys gotta hang around only to carry the shopping bags. Haha! But whatever, like Mom said however I do I have an A2 to fall back on so.. Lucky me!

Cousin said I've changed since I met Bk and decided that I have a slight.. thing for him. Lol. I no longer go out that often, I'd rather stay or hang in the area. Hoping to hear or bump him. Kinda true now that I come to think of that.

But that's over and done with la. Quote Mich, well you wanted him. You got him. And now it's end of story. You should be happy rather than emo. Unquote.

That's pretty accurate actually. My bro and company have been mentioning him a couple of times, how 'COOL' and 'HOTSHOT' he was. And when I saw his pictures I was thinking. Mm pretty cute, wouldn't mind getting to know him somehow. Lol. And the very next day, he texted me after getting my number. I mean, otherwise I would NEVER reply a twit. Okay maybe not twit just someone chinky.

Had a fleeting enjoyment of his attention and affection, and hey that should be enough. Never be fooled by a kiss. I'm gonna stick to that.

The player should know that. First rule of the game is never to become attached (and I mean emotionally not attached attached) to the other party. So we're both out for a little fun, we got it, and it's game over.

I was fooled a little by him telling his friends he wanted something serious after he got to know me. And his shyness when he brought me to the chalet where all his friends were residing. Maybe his nature and how he behaved as well.

But whatever. I've woken up.

I think I had enough of the game for awhile. Playing the field since age 13 has taken it's toll on me. That's not to say I've never waited nor fell in love. I did. But I never stopped playing throughout.

Think it's just about time.

And if love comes knocking without me seeking, YAY!
Wahlao I have sucha big mouth and I'm so sorry everybody!!!
Nights like this I cherish life and I thank god for all he's given me.

I love you sis. (: You're important to me too! And I'm blessed to have what's left of you that you didn't give to Calv. Hahaha jokes la!

Yknow sometimes I place myself on too high a pedestal. Maybe I'm not that pure goodness after all. I mean, I would feel a slight prick on the conscience for leading someone on, but I wouldn't cry or get too upset unless friendships come into consideration.

Mm.. just a thought.

Thursday, August 24, 2006

Forget it, it's that simple.

FORGET IT. IT'S THAT SIMPLE.

; shi jie mo ri

I have so much to say, but I'm nursing a raging headache after hours of crying.

My inadequacy. My helplessness..

I'm a failure. A complete one.. and no it's not just the emo kid in me speaking.

I'm a failure in friendships. Relationships. Family ties.

Studies. Chores. Mundane, banal stuff.

What am I good for? Nothing. I'm a burden to society. A waste of air on Earth.

Why do I exist, why am I made?

I wish I could just leave.

Why don't I? Am I afraid to? Or am I more afraid of regrets.. I know I'm still young and the road's a long way till the finish line. But imagine how I am now. And how pathetic I will be in years to come.

I think friendship and I realise there's not one single person I can rely on.. not one single person out there who loves me for who I am and will be there for me. I know never to expect anything from anyone but.. I'm only human.

I miss you terribly Raes. I wish you could be here. But even if you could, things wouldn't be the same. It's been years since you've left for New York. I haven't seen you for so long and god knows what will it be like if we do meet again.

I'm not complaining. I really am not. But sis, Vic and Mich, Josh would be there more for their men/women or other issues than myself. I'm not begrudging nor hoping anything would change. I understand and all. But sometimes I wish I would be a little more important. I don't know what I want. I don't know what I'm talking.

The rest, a number of good friends.. I don't know. Close, but not close enough? I can't think coherently now. I'm just typing whatever comes to mind.

There's been a number of guys in my life this year. Sam, Jh, Alwin, Pd, Cx, Bk. And these are merely the ones which made larger impacts than the rest I'm not bothering to mention. And I screwed up in everyone. Don't get me wrong, I'm not like oh I love you by speaking these names again. It's just.. I feel like I've made mistakes after mistake. Sam, Jh, Alwin, friendship is I doubt even possible, ever again. Pd, Cx, I don't know. But we're no longer talking. And Bk? Ha that one I don't even know how to put it in words.

Family? Bro is just too occupied. And Cousin's a little self centered I guess. I mean yeah I know they love me and all but yeah. They're in their own little world. And I'm just a figure in it. Mom and Dad want what's best but they don't know the me hiding within. Behind the slacker. The bad girl who stays out without a phone call. Do they see the fragility within, the depression that threatens to overwhelm more than occasionally? I think not.

I can't do chores if you pointed a knife at me. Studies are going downhill with no concentration, no energy, no motivation. General knowledge and common sense? I don't have them.

Tell me what to do.

Grant me the strength to grow and learn from these seemingly insurmountable burdens.

And I wonder how many rejoice upon seeing this post. Hahaha. Jovina LOSER!

Yeah, well. Perhaps I am.

Everyone's leading such happy lives. I don't wanna depress them. I don't wanna speak of all these. How boring and tiring would such a person be? Precisely the need for a facade of smiles and bubbliness. Yeah and the occasional whining of so and so. People think I'm just always upset cos of some love affair or other. Maybe that's how I choose to portray myself. To protect the vulnerabilty within. But you don't know, there's so much more.

I'm lost. I really am. And I'm indulging myself a little by letting myself cry and drowning myself in tobacco.

As I'm typing this I'm having a cheerful convo on msn with a friend. Know what I mean? I can joke and laugh and be witty funny all despite everything I'm feeling inside now.

And this isn't a call for sympathy nor trying to let you guys read between the lines and pity me and treat me better or whatever shit. I meant every word when I say I don't begrudge, I know and understand.

This is why I keep a blog. This is why I write. Only because, to deal with these thoughts that won't go over.

Oh and I'm a compulsive liar. I lie about just about everything. I don't know why. I'm working on not to and I'm becoming alot better actually. Maybe just about how I feel. Forced smiles and chirpyness. Perhaps this blog is the most honest thing I have. A place where I just spill about everything.

I know I'm writing pretty much nonsense and reiterating everything but I just don't feel like cutting off this entry. I don't wanna think anymore.

I don't know what's wrong with me yknow. Why I'm such a screw up. I blame the fats and the lack of beauty but that can't be it. I mean hey the whole world's not exactly the most beautiful thing on earth but they seem to lead more fufilling shits than I do.

I haven't felt so emo in ages. I thought I was recovering but perhaps all I've been doing is to suppress everything I feel inside, replacing them with emoing about guys? I don't know. I just know there's so much more to it. So much more.

Typing whatever comes to mind.

I've been talking to Leo, Bingg and Gr about pte issues. And yeah they're great people. But maybe just not close enough. Just a random thought. And I can be a total bitch. There are people who mean so well and talk to me and ask about me but for some reason or other I just get irritatable and don't bother replying and shits.

I think I should log out. I'm talking rubbish. My eyes have been half closed since the start of this post. I'm just typing on and on. And on and on. My head's nodding.

Jovina. Out.

I just want a happy life of simplicity. Is that too much to ask?

Okay. Jovina.. really out.

; shut up

i'm sick of this family.

sick of this life.

sick of everything.

i'll be gone.

well this calls for a toast so pour the champagne.

Wednesday, August 23, 2006

; my everything

The emptiness gnawing at me night after night is killing me slowly but surely.

The fearful anticipation of the chance of seeing you every day is driving me insane.

Fuck la.

Would you have done what you did if you know what I am inside? A fragile broken soul, fragmented long before I met you.

I'm so sick of this.

He was hesitant in this whole game of yours. He ASKED you if you were sure about what you wanted. You confirmed it. And now?

You do realise I have to hear your name every fucking day of my life? By the ones living in my house, and the ones visiting, EVERY SINGLE GODDAMN DAY RAIN OR SHINE?

Not just your name. What you did, where you are. I DON'T WANNA KNOW.

I just want to forget you. Kick you right outta my life.

So fuck. I don't wanna hear one more mention of his name.

Yeah I'm prolly talking to four walls since none of them reads me anyway.

; car underwater

Believe the news, I'm gone for good. Call off the search, no one will know that I'm down here. And believe the note I left for you, you can't turn back the clocks. You can't pull me up from here so don't try.

In a car underwater with time to kill. Thinking back I forgot to tell you this: I didn't care that you left and abandoned me. What hurts more is I would still die for you.

Make time slower, give me longer. It's too late for me. No one will know that I'm down here, and believe your dreams of me sinking so far below. You can't pull me up from here so don't try.

Leave it up to me to burden you again. This wasn't your fault.. Please forgive me. This was not your fault.. So forget, so forget me.

Don't think back, don't think back on me at all.

Just let me go.

; xing yu xin yuan

Yknow, some friendships that sprung so randomly yet blossomed so beautifully amazes me.

Take L* for example.

A good friend of one of my best male friends, and I used to oogle over his pictures on Friendster. Hahaha! Silly jokes about him I cracked to my best male friend too. "Intro leh! INTRO! He's so cute!" But ahaha well you guys know me. I'm not the sort who would go all out to make friends with a guy, especially one I've never seen before, so nope! Left it to visiting his friendster page for a dose of eye candy every once in awhile.

A chance encounter led to a very suprising friendster msg from him, and frequent chats online. There was an instant click, a startling similarity between us which led to unexpected sharing of personal issues which most likely, was the catalyst to a strongish bond of friendship and affection.

I'm glad to have met you, known you, and thanks for the brief talk and /hug, just when I needed it most. Brother (:

; only hope

I'm terribly lonely.

And I wish you would be here with me tonight, and hold me close against you, whisper your love to me, and tell me it's okay, everything would turn out alright.

Because there's nothing left to do this cold night, but to think of you, and to miss you..

everytime i dream. *

Brother's court review tomorrow.

Thus the overwhelming sombre ambience enveloping the house right now.

Odds aren't too good. He's skipped quite a few hostel sessions and Community Service Orders. Thank god he didn't breach probation too badly this time round. Or at least, not that anyone else would know of. ><

Praying for the best. Wish him luck.

perfect moment. *

Xiaobai's unconscious comment shot right through Bull's eye and irritated the raw, throbbing nerve.

But should I have expected anything lesser than that from him?

Obviously, I was just one outta a whole queue of girls he wanted numbers from.

Tuesday, August 22, 2006

; he se mao yi

To all my readers, perhaps I should clarify the situation a little.

Alwin's pissed me off major by various petty little actions, and I'm glad to say, I no longer dwell on history. A little nostalgia, certainly, I'm a crabby Cancerian after all, but that's about it.

Currently. It would be the one-off I've been blogging about lately.

Yknow, I think life's determined to screw me up. Turning on my comp, I did the usual first act when I use msn, check out his contact information. And I saw my pic, one I took with Michie. Like, HUH? I thought I was seeing things. Literally. But when I clicked his window, it was his own pic? Did that bout 3 times to the same result. The final time, it changed to another pic of his, so did the msn window. Like wtf?

I checked mine and Mich's friendster. Nope, I didn't upload the pic. So what now, am I losing it so much I'm hallucinating?

Long hair. Quiet, gentle. Cute at times. Able to stay out, able to click with his clique.

BB didn't say the rest, but I can more or less predict.

Slim, pretty. Blablabla.

I'm going to mould myself in that. Remind me to speak softly from now on.

Should I smoke, or not? Hmm.

; i need a girl

The boys have finally quietened down, and they're currently smoking, and clearing up the remains of the Macdonalds' meals.

Leaving me, with my emo FM, and a fresh fag to brood over the day's events.

And they mentioned him numerous times. Nobody realises it hurts me to hear simply his name.

I can choose not to dwell on it, to move on. What's another tragic love story in my life? It would be laughable if this one actually turned out right. One minute, it can't even be considered a tale. Too fleeting, too short-lived for a fling. Only "One-off" would be apt.

Saw him today. I guess I was asking for it. I wanted to see him.

Perhaps I was hoping for what could never be. Of wishes, and dreams that can never ever be fufi

Enough. Bye.

; playstation killing noises

Ouch.

For the love of god, just kill me now.

Quickly.

Don't think, just stab.

Monday, August 21, 2006

; schl library

I'm reeling from shock.

Y'guys prolly know that I'm one who gets affected easily by happenings of others, whether I know them or not yeh? Well this ain't no small issue like the rest, typical family drama, broken heart and all that. (not that I mean those are insignificant issues but yknow what I mean)

Hmm. Not naming anybody to protect their privacy.

Last monday, I was invited to a chalet by a.. friend. (: Leave it at that. It was a yknow. 'Gang' thing? Like you get this top guy and people under him and those have even smaller fries below them, tt kinda thing. Oh here's a fun fact, I used to be one of them when I was 13, 14. Lol. And those attached ones brought the girls along, naturally.

But my point is, the group were a pretty united bunch. Which made them nice people to hang out with, even though I knew only a couple of them and a few more, like my bro and his friends.

The fucked up thing happened that night. The place was raided for drugs, don't ask me what, I no longer touch those stuff anymore.And at least 10? of them were caught. Most of them are out on bail, with the exception of the one considered trafficking. Those I was closer to didn't get caught, thank jesus tapdancing christ.

Okay here's the climax of this tale.

One of them decided to run for it. Seriously. To Malaysia or something. In case you didn't know, if you're charged under 55 (some secret society shit), they have a right to jail you. Without a jail term. Meaning they can release you in 20weeks. Or 20 years. So yeah, since he was a foreigner he decided to leave. (I'm not very sure of this, what I heard, that's why I'm not naming anyone what!)

And the question was, is his girlfriend gonna leave with him? I saw her at the chalet, and I liked the look of her. Pale, sweet looking, matureand somewhat tired, as she watched her boyfriend splashing in the pool. For some reason I assumed they've been together for a long time, maybe from the bits and pieces I heard. Also told that boyfriend hugged other girls in front of her and she just kept quiet. Chancing upon her friendster, I found out they've only been together for what, 3 months!

And. Deciphering some codes, I realised.. she was with child. Ohmygod. If I'm correct she's only 15! And here she is, pregnant at 15, ready to go on the run with her man.

I don't know her, but really. I'm gonna keep her in my thoughts and pray for her. Such.. foolishness at a tender age, but her courage and determination really won my admiration. Of course, and her decision of keeping the baby. Ranking first on my hate list would be mothers who aborted their own child. I've fallen out with friends over this and I'm still stubborn about it. It's the most morally incorrect thing. Towards the girl, I've no right to question her choice, so I'm going to judge not and wish her the best however things turned out.

She decided her life at 15, while I'm still stumbling on the stupid roadblocks of mine.

; single

Ah yeah, that's right. All you single people out there, this is for you yeah :D

I'm not waiting around for a man to save me (Cause I'm happy where I am)
Don't depend on a guy to validate me (No, no)
I don't need to be anyone's baby (Is that so hard to understand?)
No, I don't need another half to make me whole.

Make your move if you want, doesn't mean I will or wont.
I'm free to make my mind up, you either got it or you don't.

This is my current single status, my declaration of independence.
There's no way I'm trading places, right now a star's in the ascendant.

I'm single (Right now), that's how I wanna be.

Ah yeah, uh huh that's right.

Don't need to be on somebody's arm to look good (I like who I am)
I'm not saying I don't wanna fall in love cos I would
I'm not gonna get hooked up just cos you say I should

Can't romance on demand
I'm gonna wait, so I'm sorry if you misunderstood.

Everything in it's right time, everything in it's right place
I know I'll settle done one day, but til then I like it this way.
It's my way.

'Til then I'm single (:

Sunday, August 20, 2006

; wei she me xiang ai de ren bu neng zai yi qi

A song that never fails to remind me of Daniel.

If I were to retell the tale from the start, it would take too long, be too tedious and perhaps more than a little painful. So I'll skip the start and fast forward to the climax.

This time, last year.

He was a Taiwanese, my age. Fair, medium built, handsome. A very close friend of my brother, which yes, means he's an Ahbeng. Renowned rich playboy with considerable charms.. girls fall to his feet like Alibaba's cave. A nasty reputation for fuck and throw as well. Lol.

Also, he was the ex boyfriend of a girl who was on alright, daily hanging terms with me at that point. She wasn't over him. I didn't know what to do, but Daniel convinced me to forget everyone, forget everything, just start over with him.

Attraction was present, and we've been on what you call it, dates? His friends knew me as his new girl, and mine knew him as my new person. And the clique we both belonged to were exchanging smirks and giggles. Only my brother was wary, he told me to stay away, and he warned Daniel off me. But yeah, they talked it out and came to an understanding, perhaps.

I'll never forget that day. I could've seen him for the last time, but because of self righteous pride and anger, I didn't. At JE with Vic, Daniel called her, asking us for pool in town. Vic urged me to go down, but I was having a cold war with him and pah! Attitude problem. Refused to go. And I didn't get any calls from him after that.

I saw Lionel (his mom's Dan's guardian) the next morning. I asked whether he knew where Daniel was, and with a harassed look of absolute stress on his face, he told me he would tell me later. I thought, yknow, prolly stupid ahbeng stuff again and didn't really bother. Went to hang with with Mengwee, Josephine and Hengyong. Yes, the pretty boy whom I had a little fancy for. Just to spite Daniel. Chevrons, just arcading smoking pretty much bumming around. Over to Imm, I remember it was at Macs, Hy was teasing me about something and I accidentally drop my whole tray of food.

A call from Sky. Daniel's uh. Uppermen. "Do you know what happened to Daniel? Where's Daniel?" That's when I knew. Something's wrong. I called Lionel immediately. Guess what?

Victor and Daniel were caught for armed robbery the night before.

I lost it. Broke down, cried, everything. Thank god for Vic then. She was my pillar of strength at that time. I remember rushing down to the police Headquarters, begging my parents to pay his 12k bail as his mom was very ill, having an operation in Taiwan. I could only come up with 7k myself then. But we couldn't..

On one of his court sessions, I saw him. We thought we were at the wrong courtroom, and I went out to check. When I returned, he was there, standing. I couldn't help it. Both my brother and I had a steady flow of tears cascading down our faces. And that silly boy? Smiled, waved. Just to show us he was alright. When it was over, my brother recieved a call from him. He asked about the people and everything, and me as well. But it was only a 3 min phonecall.

He was sentenced to four months in Changi Prison. In the two months, I recieved three letters from him. I wrote too, I told him I would wait, and that I loved him. He told me he missed me, and that if he could turn back time, he would have spend that night singing with me rather than drinking with his bosses. But he told me.. not to wait. To find someone else who loves me, because he would rather me be happy and blissful.

But I'm proud to say, I waited for him. All the time he was in Prison, I wrote to him. Every single night, without fail. Slowly, I lost the tears and as I got used to this waiting trial, I begin to look forward to the day I'd see him again.

Dec 10, Victor was released. Daniel's companion in crime. He was on tagging. And I called him, to ask about Daniel. And he told me Daniel talked alot bout me while they were in the same remand holding cell, that he was planning to make us official the pool day. God, how I cried when I heard that.

Days past. Christmas, New Year. Bought his presents, prepared special gifts for his release. Dan's guardian told us Dan's mom didn't want us to send him off. She wanted him to leave, no strings attached cos it seemed inevitable that he would banned from the country.

Nevertheless, on the 7th, Vic and I met Victor early outside Changi Prison to wait for him. Batches of people were released, but we didn't see him. We decided to ask, and when I saw his name on the foreign prisoner's release date sheet, my heart just seemed.. caught up. I don't know how to put it. Ran all the way to hailed a cab to immigration. The guy told us they had no list of prisoners, they might be out from immigration cell anytime. From 2pm to 2am! I knew it would be futile, but I texted numerous msges, made numerous calls to his phone. Which was with the police. All of us knew there would be little chance to see him, but still.. we waited. And waited.

Bout 2+pm, an unknown number call. Claimed he was Daniel, which I doubted and out of agitation I yelled, hurled profanities. But it was him! He was like. Why did you guys come! You can't see me! He would be held in the cell, until the next day and sent directly off to Taiwan. The look on our faces when we knew it was him.. God. He told me to take care, and that we would stay in contact even when he returned to Taiwan. "I love you.." "I love you." I passed the phone to Victor, choking back tears. He couldn't talk long, he begged his warden to let him make one last phone call. Victor and I both burst into tears. Holding on to each other for comfort.

Now we're very close friends. But Daniel Fu Chieh Hsun, he'll always hold a special place in my heart.

Despite all the opposing factors, I hung on. And I never regretted waiting for him. I knew from the start he would most probably be banned from Singapore. I chose and I promised to wait, and I stuck to it. Only when he set me free.. did I move on again. Victor's look of admiration, of wistfulness as he said, very touched, "Daniel is so lucky to have a girl like you, loving him so much" made everything pay off.

Would you have done the same, if you were me? Will you follow your head, or your heart?

; lost, broken, confused

Yknow, I realised how much we Singaporeans depend on blogs of others for information.

Especially those we've somehow lost touch with, but still wish to hear about the going ons of their lives and their feelings, thoughts.

Too bad both of them doesn't have a blog. Lol. I miss B. I remembered he nipped me on the neck and I went to examine it whilst washing my face but I couldn't see any mark. Sigh. Haha! I'm a sucker for lovebites and nuzzling of the necks, so sue me.

Maybe I'm just tired. Or maybe it's the two continuous sticks of lights. Sigh lights are slightly better than those menthol I've been smoking for the past couple of days, but still. No compensation for reds, that's for sure. REDS FOR THE WORLD. You should have seen the look on my face as I was puffing away on Erik's reds. Pure unadultered bliss. Hahaha.

Okay la I think I should catch some sleep. The sun's shining and the birds are chirping and it's getting warm in the living room. Yawnsie. Nightsie.

Oh and I realised I'm a blog whore. I blog too much. Should I cut down?

Oh and today was a pretty good day. Didn't emo much while I was out. Too busy with everyone. Haha. I haven't met most of them for a week! which is a long time for us.

And I still haven't seen Cw with his new hair. Oh and Mich dyed her hair, streaks of red which would look Ahlien on anyone, but I'm glad she looks pretty much the same la. Hahaha.

I MISS YOU. Maybe I should go chomp on BurgerKing tomorrow. I dunno.

Lalalalala. I got nothing more to say but I feel like showing off to myself my pretty much superb typing skills. Hahaha Imma loser I know. Okay goodnight or rather morning people, and hey, the world's smiling today!

* take it to the floor

Trained to Gardens with Michie, number of not so funny but hilarious at the moment incidents typical of us meeting up together. Haha.

Chompchomp, Hokkien Mee craving but too hot, so Macs. Watching Peidong Xuanbin Kangming studying was fairly amusing. Lol.

Erik's place. Mich-es, Calv, Rik mahjonged while I went fetching Sis. Then Bukit Timah for supper. Lotsa interesting indian uh delicacies I've never seen nor heard of my entire life. Lol. I wonder where I've been.

I love my people. Micky Calv Erik Melvin and the rest.

And the two people I'm so glad I've met.

My sis, we're so alike and I don't mean simply physically though I don't really SEE the resemblance. It's sucha delight to be with someone who understands because they're thinking/feeling the exact same way, yknow, that kinda thing?

And Michie, who complements me. Make up for my weaknesses. Like my stupidity at road directions for one thing. Hahaha. Reliablity, responsibility, both which I'm hopelessly missing. Love you too.

See? I've got one similar one and one complementary one.

Life is good. :D

Wahlao I almost forgot. I MERELY THINK CASSFASSSIANFIAN IS CUTE LOR. NOTHING ELSE. STUPID ADI AND CX MAKE FUN FOR WHAT! Kukubirds.

And Calv's answer, Yeah he really onced ***ed you. Beautiful beginning, tragic ending, but it was great, while it lasted.

Saturday, August 19, 2006

; eyes on me

Everyone has an Archilles heel.

Mine's when I'm alone, typically at home, smoking, with my phone and my msn acting like they're out of service.

Then I get /very emo.

Food is making me ill. I feel so bloated.

And I wished he would just text me. Yeah I know he's busy, he told me but still.. How long do you need to type and send ONE msg?

Yknow, I feel so inadequate and helpless sometimes. Like I'm just not good enough for anybody. I'm having an ugly day.

Why doesn't anybody love me ):

; piano

Hearing a few home truths bout yourself, so uncannily accurate, comes as a nice surprise sometimes.

Like Bingg.

You want to love, but you have a problem with commitment.

Whoa. It's like she could see right through me.

And Sis' StraightToThePoint attitude.

Sis, actually you very CB leh. (towards guys)

Brutal honesty. Lol.

The thing is, yes I don't deny I am more of a.. frivolous character, but like every Casonovana, I too yearn for true love. And well, I mean yeah Calv told me I should just stick to one but. Hello it's not like I don't want to! Flings are made for fun, not meant to hurt. But somehow I usually wind up hurt you know.

I'm sucha walking contradiction, I'm beginning to seriously annoy myself.

; silence

Two blows in one day.

The good part was meeting Sis. Sam. Daniel. Matt.

Yknow, all I ever wanted was your forgiveness and your friendship once more. Nothing else. But you? You had to bitch about me to the world, then act all nonchalant and indifferent in front of me. But when I saw your eyes, somehow you seemed to care. What's wrong with you? A part of me wants to ask you, what exactly was it that aroused such bitterness and hatred from you. Maybe someone told you a lie? And you said you knew me for a long time. Well before your friends came in, were there any conflicts ever between us for two whole years? No. Another part scoffs and thinks, you're not worthy of a minute of my time. But like Mich said with shocked sympathy at your behaviour, it's history now. I've done everything I could to salvage this friendship. I was the only one who never talked shit behind you, who was on your side no matter what, but this is the last straw. Just don't look back and habour regrets. Don't regret this.

And you. Thank you for playing me. Thanks a whole bunch. In all honesty, I don't blame you cos I knew what I was getting myself into from the start. But it's still painful somehow. I wish you were a different person. I wasn't just attracted to you, I liked you. Different species collide and shit happens. Would things have changed if I was a twit? Maybe iF ii taLkeed liIke dIsh worxx`? If I belonged to the world you knew and understood? Still, I like who I am and I wouldn't change myself to people I and my whole bunch of friends as a matter of fact mock and laugh at.

Sigh. Yknow, people, it's not that I don't wanna settle down and live good ol' couple days. I too am tired of one offs and flings. But I just can't seem to bump into the right person. And until then, quotes Mich and Cw,

I'm single, and ready to mingle. (:

Friday, August 18, 2006

; tell me where it hurts

I wish you'd let me hold you, and confide in me the pain overwhelming you right now.

At the risk of hurting myself, I'll do all I can to take it away..


Why don't you tell me where it hurts now baby, and I'll do my best to make it better? Yes, I'll do my best to make those tears all go away,

Just tell me where it hurts, and I'll love you with a love so tender. And if you let me stay, I'll love all of the hurt away..

; dying inside to hold you

You'll walk your way and I'll walk mine. It's sad, it's tragic that we're moving off in opposite directions, but that's the way it is.

It isn't the end of the world.

I'll be just fine, just without you.

Haha. Strong words, emanating firm attitude.

Still, I think I need a hug. Vic, Michie, Sis, anyone? :(


You'll never know, cos I won't let you.

; where you are

Too shy to ask, too proud to lose.

Still, I can't get my mind off you, though I know we're two very different individuals, opposites poles of a magnet which somehow bumped into each other on one of life's stepping stones, attracted for one glorious moment before fate's cruel hand brutally pulled us apart.

And Michie's not replying my text after that intriguing msn message she left me at 4+ am. Grrr! I'm bubbling with excitement and pure exhilaration for one of the angels in my life. REPLY LEH (:

; ai wu li

zui hou wo men fen kai le
sui ran hai shi peng you
dan zuo hui peng you de qing ren
xiang bai tuo guan xi bu tai rong yi

ji mo bian cheng le xi guan
xi guan kao zhe gu dan
xiang nian gai yi wang
bu gai zai sheng pang
pei zhe wo de mei ge ye wan

wo zhi xiang dui zhe tian kong qin qin de hu xi
xun zao wo zui ai de ren dao di zai na li
zai hun luan zhong
fan xiang dao gui xun zhao ji yi

you yi zhong
ai ta cheng jing zhu zai wo xin li
pei ban wo ao guo duo shao ge wu shen ku qi
bu dong ai qing
wo de xin ru ci wu li

qi shi wo hen qing xing
qi shi wo hen leng jing
kan zhe yan lei di luo zai shou xin

Thursday, August 17, 2006

I've been neglecting my friends of late.

My apologies dears.

A distraction in the form of a tanned Male, 21, absolutely delicious.

This little disclosure prolly just confirmed suspicions of you guys of the trait DIEFORLJ.

Lol!

Sorry la!

It's over and done with now. ):

* lullaby.

Praying for love in a lapdance and
Paying with naivety.



I've always said, no meaningless fucks for this girl, and I'm glad I didn't weaken my stand today. But if you'd like to know, I was tempted to. (:


Perhaps it's in the way you cradled me to sleep, your face buried in my hair.

Maybe it's in the intensity of your gaze before you lowered yourself for a kiss.

Possibly it's in the way you so gently caressed my face, your expression tender.


And it's in the way, you respect my decision and didn't take things too far.

I closed my mind to every warning, I just wanna savour the perfect moment while it lasted. In your arms, I wished for time to stand still. I could fall asleep and never wake up again with a smile on my face.

Though it probably meant nothing to you with the exception of lust, and I doubt you'll be reading this, I thank you for today. Even if it ends right where we left off, the sweet twinge of pleasure as you made my heart race today will always remain a fond memory.


With no expectations, there can not possibly be disappointment.

And that's the way I'm taking on the game of life, one step at a time.

Wednesday, August 16, 2006

; ni na me ai ta

Ahaha. Okay, misunderstanding.

The pig actually fell asleep when I was waiting for him, and because I was too nice to bombard his phone with calls and texts, I went home! And then he woke up and I travelled all the way to see him again.

Now he's sleeping again la.

He looks so cute when he's sleeping. LOL.

Okay I'm tired and the bed looks cosy and inviting.

Jovina out!
Fucking annoyed.

If you don't wanna meet, tell me straight instead of not picking up my calls or replying my texts yo?

Wasted my fucking time and cabfare.

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ.

; little town

I'M SO MOTHER FUCKING BORED AND THE WORLD IS SLEEPING.

Poor Ezra and I are so lonely this cold cold night ):

; dancing in the moonlight

I know love isn't everything.

Friendship, family ties, they're all sacred links in the circle of life which can sustain one just as well.

But still, I'd rather be in love.

; more than a love song

I won't deny the spark of attraction.

But lying low sounds like a plan, for who knows how long the interest would last before waning this time round.

Tuesday, August 15, 2006

; a lonely september

I can't believe my premonition came true.

Omg. I hope all of them will be okay.

Monday, August 14, 2006

; bu de bu ai

Today was one hell of an emotional roller coaster ride, from the violation in the morning (don't bother asking, only bro, cousin, bk, ww and guy in question knows and it's staying that way) to the phone call from Sis sounding so wistful. I'm sorry I didn't make it today love, and very touched that you cried because of that. Love you so much.

Sometimes I think I discriminate too much. Twits and chinks, they can be very interesting characters too, and they don't deserve our jeerings.

I'm tired and I don't like typing on laptop. See you guys tomorrow.

; i miss you so much

Dear Every-single-person,


Lets wipe everything away, and start afresh on a clean slate.

I forgive for every single wrong done to me, and please forgive me for every mistake I've made too.

The world's smiling tonight. :D


P.S. Happy birthday, Other Half. (:


Lots of love,
Jov

Sunday, August 13, 2006

; kiss goodbye

I must rid myself of this extreme degree of dependency, and quickly.

In this dog eat dog world, self-sufficiency is mandatory.

In the jungle of my life, it's the survival of the fittest.

* that's when i love you.

Earlier, I was rendered speechless by a mere question.

"What's so good about him? What do you like about him?"

But it doesn't matter.

The mild interrogation a while after left me shaken, the fully awakened pent-up thoughts of you running wildly, incessantly through the plateaus of my mind, weary though it might be after the physical exertions of today.

And wasn't that the song I dedicated to you?

But it doesn't matter.

Not to you, not now, not ever.

* love me.

If you get there before I do, don't give up on me. I'll meet you when my chores are through, I don't know how long I'll be. But I'm not gonna let you down, darling wait and see. And between now and then till I see you again, I'll be loving you, love me.


A chance conversation with Melvin led to very startling, and significant discoveries. Bittersweet moment of truth, when I learnt I wasn't the only one affected, the only one who still cared..

Or perhaps I'm reading too much into everything, and it'll fall apart into nothing before my eyes, taking my bleeding heart along with it one more time.

Saturday, August 12, 2006

; smile in your sleep

Michie's right.

I shouldn't let the mere mention of your name affect me so much.

Fireworks watching tonight, after a failed attempt yesterday due to non-punctuality by all the People with the exception of Michie. Haha!

Can't wait.

Friday, August 11, 2006

; now that she's gone

You came back into my life like a sudden flame, blazing and streaming into my heart. And I stayed up all night, contemplating the certain agony I knew would be mine if I were to lose you thrice.

When everything that could have been said and done are reduced to nothing but over-said and over-done, what were you but my shooting star - you were my meteor, a fleeting glimpse of forever and ever in the heavens. A spectacular burst of light that couldn't last. In a flash, the lights went out - and you were gone.


; cry

Dad scared the living hell outta me!

Popping behind my back, handling my box of ciggies.. at least he had a heart, he didn't touch my last stick!

And what was with the sarcastic/amused "Oooh so now you're rich enough to smoke marlboros again?"

Like you didn't know Dad, YOU'RE my only source of income so nobody knows my pathetic financial situation better than you do. :(

Thursday, August 10, 2006

; i'm almost over you

I saw an old friend of ours today. She asked about you, and I didn't quite know what to say. Heard you've been making the rounds round here, while I've been trying to make tears disappear.

Now, I'm almost over you. I've almost shook these blues. So when you come back around, after painting the town, you'll see I'm almost over you.

You're such a sly one with your cold heart. Maybe leaving came easy, but it tore me apart. Time heals all wounds they say, and I should know cos it seems like forever but I'm letting you go.

I can forgive you and soon I'll forget all my shattered dreams. Although you left me with nothing to show for the misery.

Wednesday, August 09, 2006

; i write sins not tragedies

Haven't you people ever heard of, closing the goddamn door?

Abandoned by you.

Abandoned by them.

Abandoned by myself.

And I'm sorry, but the dark days have returned to haunt.

Dope and slashes, take me away.

; wu xing shang hai

What did you expect Jov? To be un*****ed?

Yeah, keep dreaming. *sneers

Who can I talk to about how I feel right now?

Mich's dealing with just about enough shit right now.
Sis will prolly give me well-meaning abuse which would make me cry.
Husby's too occupied with his WCG and goodness knows what esle to bother.

Don't emo, don't emo, that's what everyone keeps telling me.

I don't wanna be this way too. ):

Quote Leo. Maybe I should hate you for this. Unquote.

And I hate that I could never hate you but just simply love you more and more no matter what you do to me.

; blood red summer

20 people that come straight to mind.

1. a*
2. mich
3. wanwin
4. josh
5. jenson
6. shianne
7. peidong
8. adi
9. erik
10. bebe
11. c
12. *
13. micky
14. jenn
15. ter
16. calv
17. vic
18. raes
19. leo
20. hengyong

how did you meet 14?
jenn.. gardens ahaha but before tt i saw her friendster and stuff, she was a friend of a friend!

what would you do if 9 and 20 went out?
erik and hengyong. they're not gay! i think :|

will 6 and 17 make a good couple?
now now, my cousin and my best friend aren't lesbians either, they're happily attached to one of the male species!

describe 3.
wanwin - oh i can go on and on but she's my other half and i love her even though she can seriously annoy me at times. period.

one fact bout 7.
did you know, peidong is married.. to ME? :D oh and he was in NCC ^^

do u know anyone from 12's family?
ahaha yep, his sister (:

what is 8's favorite hobby?
adi likes to come out with funny catchy phrases, and to download emo songs and make fun of other people listening to them *frowns

what language does 15 speak?
ter - english chinese hokkien canto i think!

who is 16 dating?
calv - he's dating my sis la! wanwin, no.2. those rabbits. LOL.

when was the last time you spoke to 13?
micky, MOMO ytd! she was so busy grinding everyone hahaha!

who is 2's favorite singer or band?
mich. zhanghuimei? lifehouse (esp. blind) i'm so smart sometimes i scare meself ^^

will you date 4?
josh is my best friend la! :D love you shitloads honeh.

what is 10's surname?
she's my little girl and no she doesn't have a surname!

will you ever be in a serious relationship with 11?
omg. LOL. i swear i didn't cheat and place him on 11 on purpose! I HAVE A SUPERDUPER CRUSH on him! but i don't really know him la so it's hard to answer. HAHAHA.

which school does 18 go to?
raes will be in uh.. i keep forgetting the name. bradford uni, massachuets I CAN'T SPELL THE NAME LA. just somewhere in us okay.

where does 19 live?
leoieeeeeeeeee our resident emoboy lives in tampines!

what is ur favorite thing about 5?
jens, he's my little brother and he means the world to me :D

have you ever seen 1 naked?
a* - no i haven't. and that's a stupid question btw.

; fall to pieces

I just want to be happy. Is that so hard, dear God?

; my prayer

Slumber cannot be a treat no, not when it was one filled with stress dreams of you.

I thought I've recovered.

Apparently not.

I so need a private entry.

I so need to cry, I so need a shoulder right now.

Momo was a terrible idea. I knew it all along.

; red blooded woman

Showered and now I'm thinking longingly of bed.

But Wanwin demands an update of tonight, so here you go.

Summary.

Met Mich. Went to Momo. Danced. Went home.

Oh and Jenn, I hope you're okay if you're reading this. (:

Okay la details just read Sis, Mich or Micky's blog. If you know their URL. :P

Oh and two fun facts of the evening.

I saw those 14 yr olds for the first time. LOL. To think I felt threatened by one of them. And as I was surfing the web today I saw one of ***'s ex classmates. Some girl he claimed was absolutely hot. I almost choked. LOL. To think I felt threatened by her.

Funfact two.

Er actually I just forgot.

Oh yeah I remember now.

He is UBER, and I mean SUPERDUPER HOTHOTHOTHOTHOT.

Don't ask who la. Why you kpo all?


P.S Sorry for the bimboticness. I'm tired and my legs are crying for the comfort of my bed.

Tuesday, August 08, 2006

; i believe in you

I thought I was losing my touch, but apparently not. ;D

And yknow what, it doesn't take very much to make me happy. A good chick flick, and great company to watch it with does the job.

How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days was awesome.

I love my husby.

Ok random. My blog. (:

Oh and I just gotta TELL THE WORLD. I'm sucha good sister.

Momo tomorrow after all, celebrating my other half's birthday. Which means it's my birthday too! YAY! Ahaha okay enough nonsense. Now you know how important you are to me, that's why I'm making an exception from my NOCLUBBINGFTILMIDNOV rule. Appreciate it! Quit picking on me and saying I'm too busy with my ljs for you. ^^ You're sucha bitch but I love you anyway. That's probably cos I'm one too. HAHA. I swear I'm so crappy tonight, but hey, that's cos I'm happy!

Monday, August 07, 2006

; li xiang qing ren


Upload music at Bolt.

HAHAHAHA.

I know, I am a retard. (:

; safest place to hide

Yawns. I don't know what to blog about. But I just feel like blogging.

Hahaha.

No school till thurs. Yippee!

I wanna play SEGA but Pd's SEGA is all dusty ): No more Mickeymouse for me! ):

Maybe I should go and collect GAMEBOY cartridge from him.

And I feel like watching the Notebook again. Watch and cry.

But it all boils down to me being too lazy to travel anywhere. Lol :|

I need a chauffeur. Volunteers, anyone?

; stupid cupid

Time for a little lighthearted, candyfloss bubblegum pop after Adi's ominous foreboding of devils born in the form of politicians, Armagedon and Jesus the 2nd. -__-

Ahaha. Did you know, Alwin hates this song with a vengeance? He claims it's the worst song anyone can ever send to another person, me to him! :X

Stupid cupid, stop picking on me!

*Humms..

Sunday, August 06, 2006

; mungkin nanti

I swear, the pre National Day celebration near my house is driving me nuts.

All that noise pollution! Even my newly purchased headphones can't block out that dreadful blaring. ):):

Brother dearest just got home from the Boys' Hostel, and now he's off for another fight/ confrontation /whatever. I swear, sometimes I feel he's just looking for trouble. Asking for it. I mean, hello! Your court review's in August! The least..

Ok fuck he just came back. Bruises and blood everywhere. My poor boy. That stupid child. With a 19 year old when you're what, barely 15? -.- And your hand's SWOLLEN FOR FUCK'S SAKE.

Major pissed. Sigh. Now I'll have to look them down. Payback time. As usual. Lol (:

; bye bye beautiful

Instructions:
-Take a look at your friends, then list up to 10 things you want to say to 10 different friends.
-DO NOT state who these people are.
-DO NOT confirm or deny any "comment speculation".


1. You're my missing half, and I'll never be too busy for you, no matter how many LJs I have. LOL. Not spending this weekend with you seems WRONG. Love you my dear and be good, quit bullying your poor boyfriend!

2. I've known you for less than 3 months, and you've seen me through two major heartbreaks already! What would I've done without you, and I hope I've been there for you when you needed me all this time yo? Big hugs!

3. Yeah, so, maybe if you quit the nasty comments, we could still be friends? I've got nothing against you personally, but what do you think I'll do when you say stuff like that to me outta the blue? It gets on my nerves you know? Forget the past, why can't you?

4. If we don't work out as lovers, why can't we be friends? The things you do seriously annoys me. All those nonsense behind my back. But when I remember how well you treated me those two weeks, the hatred and anger dissipates somehow. Treat your girlfriend good, she really loves you. You can be a great boyfriend if you want to. Really (:

5. The sister I never had. I wouldn't be able to function without you! Who's gonna make me milo and cook me noodles all those unearthly hours? And when I get emo and all. You're the sunshine in my life, so don't leave me cos I'll always need you. Love you!

6. Thanks for always being here dear. This walking timebomb has exploded on you a couple of times already, but you're still foolishly carrying it! So now I'm your problem! :D Your shoulders and ears and arms are the best when I need them. So, listen up, would you marry me!

7. YOU'RE SO YUMMY. HOW CAN ONE WHO'S NAME RHYMES WITH ASS BE SO ABSOFUCKINGLUTELY DELICIOUS?! (hehe I feel so safe typing this he's not gonna read it anyway) ><

8. I miss you so much! I miss all the food in your house, having you cook all those yummy stuff for me while I relax like a queen! HEEHEE. And just plain lazing around reading and using the laptop on your bed! I haven't forgotten the time you JUMPED on me on your bed >< I love you, best friend!

9. Halfway round the world, that won't stop me from loving you! 7 Years, and still going strong! I can't wait to visit New York City soon with you my free tour guide showing me around! I miss you so much babe, thanks for the cards every year!

10. My first love.. it was so good meeting you. You're everything I expected and more. I guess I really had good taste when I was a 14 year old school girl yo? Ahaha. I'm so glad that our friendship's intact after everything, all that drama years back. Time really heals all wounds huh? Your girlfriend's a lovely girl, be good to her! I'm sure you will. You've changed so much since, remember our common trait then? Frivolous's my name, flirting's my game!

The Honorary One.

11. And at the end of the day, I still miss you terribly. I don't know whether it's love, but it is something.

; li xiang qing ren

I just have to look at his pictures, and I get this huge goofy smile, yknow, those grins the wearer can't control on my face. I KNOW BECAUSE I CAN FEEL IT!

He's so YUMMY...

I'm so far gone, I think I'm lost! LOL.

I'm in looooooove! <3

Okay la, know it's not love, stop rolling your eyes Sis, and quit shaking your head Michie. Lemme indulge a lil in this infatuation already!

; only hope

there's a song that's inside of my soul
it's the one that i've tried to write over and over again
i'm awake in the infinite cold
but you sing to me over and over and over again

so i lay my head back down
and i lift my hands and pray to be only yours
i pray to be only yours
i know now, you're my only hope

sing to me the songs of the stars
of your galaxy dancing and laughing and laughing again
when it feels like my dreams are so far
sing to me of the plans that you have for me over again

i give you my apathy
i'm giving you all of me
i want your symphony
singing in all that i am

at the top of my lungs
i'm giving it back


Adi's got me so seriously hooked on this song. Switchfoot's version. Haunting melody, poignant voices. Sends delightful shivers down my spine everytime. Woo. That spells a suicidal song, ironically, with Christiany-like derivations. Just check out those powerful lyrics, what thoughts do they provoke?

It's been on repeat for goodness how long since he sent it to me on Aug the 4th. Yeah I just went to check my chatlogs hahaha.

Saturday, August 05, 2006

; a***n

I thought I knew you.

How can you be so.. callous, so malicious, you're practically inhuman?

What I can't fathom is how I could be so wrong about you.

No matter what people from YOUR world said, I chose to turn a deaf ear.
No matter what you did and I witness, I chose not to believe my eyes.

Not anymore. I guess this is my final wake-up call.

You know what?

You disgust me. You really do.

; ride with me

Does your name begin with J?

You are blessed with a great deal of physical energy. When used for a good cause there is nothing to stop you, except maybe that they aren't always used for the good. (you could dance all night.) You respond to the thrill of the chase and the challenge of the mating game.You can carry on great romances in your head. At heart you are a roamer and need to set out on your own every so often. You will carry on long- distance relationships with ease. You are idealistic and need to believe in love. You have a need to be nurtured deep within.


Cancer

Turn ons

Try to adapt yourself with the changing moods of the Cancer. At one moment they may be laughing and enjoying and in another moment they may cry or sulk. You may have to adjust with the moody and sensitive Cancer. They are like the tides in the ocean always fluctuating. Cancer people love food so if you know how to cook and can be poetic and romantic (added Bonus) then you know the way to their heart.

Turn offs

Cancerians are very sensitive people and can get easily hurt. So do not play with their emotions and sentiments. They are like tides that can take you with it. They form emotional bonds with even inanimate things too so do not ask them to discard old caps or souvenirs these things hold special meaning to them. You have to realize that the crabs have soft heart and are vulnerable. Do not contradict their tested line of thought and action, it would only lead to confusion.

; first love

I met him today.

My first love.

It's been.. 3 years since I'd been hopelessly infatuated with him, his charisma, wit, humour.. every single thing about him then, seemed to be an intriguing attribute.

And when I saw him today, he didn't disappoint. (:

Period.

Friday, August 04, 2006

; say goodbye

"What's in a name, that which we called a rose
by any other word would smell as sweet."


Or sour apparently. HAHAHA.

Lets take a look at the Adi-s and Jovina-s on Yahoo Images. Adi's stupid idea obviously :x

Here you go!


Hello! My name is Adi! Like my bra?

Adi, enjoying his coconut. ^^

And here.

Rrrufrufffffff!

NO, Don't ask me, I've no idea why anyone would name a German Shepherd Jovina but it's a magnificent dog isn't it? (: I guess I wouldn't mind one as a namesake.

Thursday, August 03, 2006

; now and forever

I admit, I've been feeling a little abandoned lately, so when I saw the saccherine sweet captions Wanwin wrote on a picture we took together, and our tattoo, I felt close to tears. I'm sucha wuss. Hahaha. (:

Yawns. Now I'm waiting for my babe to end school so we can rent DVDS, buy lotsa snacks and have a girl's bonding session at my place.

; ultimate internet geekhood

Real life should have a fucking search function, or something.

That way, I wouldn't be late for school every morning because I can't seem to find my socks.

Ahaha and I just chanced into Adi's old blog of 2004. I can even recognise the layout though it's been two years since I last laid eyes on it! Time simply.. flies like a err.. swift? Whatever. HAHAHA ADI YOU'RE THE EMO KID PLEASE DISTURB ME SOMEMORE.

jov: HAHAHA ADI
jov: I JUST REMEMBERED THERE WAS ONCE YOUR IRCNICK WAS ADI-BOY
adi: -.-
adi: it's ADI-MAN now
jov: LOL HAHAHAHAHA
jov: i thought adi-god?
adi: also can :)

Honestly. That silly ass is just plain cute sometimes. :D

; if you're gone

Josh's leaving in 1 and a 1/2 hour's time.. ):

Overwhelmed by emotions outta the blue, and I can't help those cliche but oh so meaningful quotes rushing out.

<3 Outta sight, but not outta mind.

<3 Absence makes the heart fonder.

We haven't been talking and hanging out much dear, but you know I love you. And I know you love me as much too.

Be good, and be safe.

Don't go picking up random girls just because Amanta and Jerick are gonna be all lovey-dovey couple-like! Jerick's the BAGMAN remember!

*Mwaks, I've a feeling I'll miss you shitloads, and we'll talk in 5 days.

These 5 days are gonna seem like a lifetime.

Did I say I'll miss you so fucking much already?

; far away

And when I heard that little casual remark, my heart entire being turned cold.

Then, I wonder what I mean to the world.

; back at one

One, you're like a dream come true.
Two, just wanna be with you.
Three, girl it's plain to see that you're the only one for me, and
Four, repeat steps one through three.
Five, make you fall in love with me,

If ever I believe my work is done, then I start right back at One.


You guys won't understand the significance of this song. Except perhaps Sis & Michie.

It's one-third of what I have of him left..

Oh well. ):

Wednesday, August 02, 2006

; my valentine

I carry your heart with me (I carry it in my heart)
I am never without it (anywhere I go, you go my dear;
and whatever is done by only me is your doing, my darling)

I fear
no fate (for you are my fate, my sweet)
I want
no world (for beautiful you are my world, my true)
And it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
And whatever a sun will always sing is you

Here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;
which grows higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
And this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

I carry your heart (I carry it in my heart)



Beautiful love poem, beautiful love song.

So who's to blame the twinge of bittersweetness aroused from within?


Someone to call Baby. Someone to think of as Precious..

; unfaithful

To Prom or Not To Prom, that is the question.

Let's calculate how much Prom probably will cost me.

Prom Ticket - $70 (Ritz-Carlton)
Dress - $300
Heels - $150
Clutch - $150
Hair - $100
Makeup - $70
Manicure - $35
Pedicure - $35

Total = $910

Omfg.

; hen xiang shuo

A lil piece of advice from Amanta..

If you strongly believe that it'll work, go straight for it!

Yes, I do yearn very much for it, and I know there might be many pleasant suprises when a determination person goes straight for the kill, against all odds.

But.. Not in my case, I'm afraid.

There's really.. nothing left for me to do. It's a thin line between devoted, and plain irritating. And I'm not going to cross it cos I'll be walking on broken glass, and no good ever comes out from that, I'm sure.

While Amanta, Jerick and Josh are shopping enthusiastically in Hongkong, I'll be stuck in boring ol' Singy, mugging my ass out ):):):