; this i promise you

I'm sorry, I can't be perfect.

But I'm trying..

; dance with my father

Rebonded my hair. Straight is an understatement, $175 is a lil high considering the rebonding rates these days, but I can't get over what that nice but undoubtedly noobish hairdresser did to my fringe.. the bangs look.. weird. Guess I gotta improvise them when I dye my hair next week.

Removed the braces. Will be on retainer from next week onwards for bout half a year I think. Which is kinda sickening, and inconvenient cos I gotta take them off when I eat and brush my teeth. Which means before eating I gotta go to the toilet and remove them which is kinda gross, isn't it?

Besides that I look pretty much the same I guess. Gained a hefty 5-6 kgs which means I'm roughly half the size of a baby killer whale.

Considering everything, life should be pretty good these days. But leave it to me to soak up the lil miseries and forget the good. I miss Mich. I miss Raes. I miss Vic. I miss Josh. I miss Mickster. I miss Jing Ammy Fenny Sooin Pris. I miss Ervin Shawn Lei Jekong. I miss Matt. I miss Peiling Lingwei Von Mel. I miss Esther and Linin. I miss Yuru Lydia Deb. I miss Edwin Yongcheng Mengwee. And I can go on and on but forget it already.

My brother decided not to run away and to head off to court after all. Which is what I deem the right thing to do, but the repercussions? Perhaps 2 or 3 years in the Boys' home. Everyone who knows me well knows how protective and how close I am to my brother. So yeah, try to imagine how fucked up I feel. And being much poorer than I once was, I can't afford to spoil and pamper him with money or stuff. I can't even ensure his meals ffs. Sometimes I hate myself for being so useless.

I can only hope and pray that all goes well and he'll be sentenced with tagging or an extended probation which are both unlikely. I can't attend his court, juvenile court's only for the parents which is a screwed up rule if you ask me. Not to crowd the courtroom with noisy kids I can understand but what about family?

back when i was a child, before life removed all the innocence, my father would lift me high, and dance with my mother my brother and me and then. spin us around till we fell asleep. then up the stairs they would carry us, and i knew for sure i was loved.

if i could get another chance, another walk, another dance with them, i'd play a song tt would never ever end. how i'd love love love t dance with my family again.

; hey there delilah

Guess who's back?

Okay umm a lil tired so I'll just type whatever comes to mind.. not that I have to explain what I blog or not blog but still! Hahaha.

Erik's coming back in less than a month! Yay! And Michie I miss you babe whassup with the emo emo post? Never fear, Jov is back (here rhymes more hoh hehehehe)

Bro's court review in Weds. Sigh. High chance of him sent to boys' home for a couple of years.. =( he wants to abscond, which is a pretty immature and dumb idea but I can't really blame him I guess.. Will support his decision whatever it is, keeping my fingers crossed that all will go fine and dandy.

Dad was expecting me to return him his RM the miser! And he was like, how can you hit on your dad's money.. GOSH! Mr I gave you only 330 RM! Yeah but he was so sweet la haha in fact Mom was pretty cutish silly too.

Trip was okay, love the weather but in my weakened state sometimes it got too cold for me to take. We were hanging out amongst mist, or rather clouds, according to Calv. Hmm. Theme park was okay too, Calv was a ball-less faggot but what else did you expect from Angel boy. LOL. Was babbling in the bus on the way home, I remembered Angel was the comment I uttered when I first saw his pic.

Ca|v-- & B|tCh--. In case you guys are wondering, that was Calv and Ww's IRC nicks 3 or 4 years ago hahaha.

Had a major headache on the way back. =( My head hurts now just thinking of it. And my period came right bang on Friday. Sheesh the sheer wrong timing again. Suffered from hardcore PMS throughout, which kinda ruined my mood, was an APG HAHAHA (attitude problem girl which btw is the nickname of an acquaintance of mine) - difficult and nasty and altogether a selfish spoilt brat this weekend, but thankfully baby took it all in his stride, though I'm sure I upsetted him and even hurt his feelings more than a couple of times. Thank you for taking such good care of me when I was feeling unwell and everything baby, I'm sorry for snapping at you so often. Love you many many!

Yawnsie I'm tired and my brother and his friends hanging downstairs at the bball court are making hell lotta noise, I can hear laughter and chatter all the way from the 7th floor. Oh yes my dog was so sweet too she came bounding towards me and stuck to me throughout since I came home but I bundled her off my lap and off to her bed. Hehehe.

; unbreakable

Wow, it's been more than a couple of days since I've last blogged! Coming from the blog-whore, more often than not postings of more than three or four religiously on a daily basis, that's saying something!

Haha. Been over at the boyfriend's the entire week, and I'm too lazy. Justified? Oh, the boyfriend's name is Cheewee and mine's Jovina. To those weird people entering our name into blog search to seek our blogs or whatever, here you go! (:

Will be going over to Genting in about uh. 12 hours. With Ww Calv and the boyfriend. And my Dad gave me a miserly 330 RM. Which I only just realise converts into less than $150 sing! The stinge! Cos it's all he has left from his Msian travels. WHY couldn't he have 1000 RM left or something. Okay I'm so gonna leech another couple of hundreds sing from him later. Hmpfh.

Note to self; claim 50 from Mom for my own when I get back, and another 100 for hotel room. And 200 for the hair.

Wait what else do I have to do. The boyfriend told me to send whatever songs I wanted to him last night to Ipodise it, but I fell asleep. Umm umm. And I wanted to say some stuff but I forgot.

Okay Mich, Vic, Raes I miss you.

OH I REMEMBERED. Jov is a very grouchy jov cos I woke up and saw 3 pathetic tobacco sticks in my pack which I WAS SURE HAD AT LEAST 15 LEFT. Which means my nasty bro stole 12 sticks. Moron. Now I have only 1 left. =( Hello I need at least 3 sticks to wake me up. The good news is, Mom buys my cigs for me these days and I usually get outta paying for them. :D And I cannot bear to scold brother dearest except to grumble abit. And he claimed he asked me. Asked! Hello when I'm sleeping, lost to the world except my slumber, YOU DO NOT ASK ME THINGS. A vague mumble or a slight nod does not equate to a yesah! God. If someone asks me for 1k I'll prolly nod my head too just to get the bugger outta my face -_-

Yawnsie. One stick left. One stick left. This is so adding to the pressure count in my system. Does anyone realise I have to wait for my mom to pass me a pack later which means a couple of hours without sticks when this is my last chance of enjoying myself LEPAKING AS MUCH AS I WANT in front of the comp in peace with no annoying blares from the tv or noise from the other three teenagers (my lil bro's 12, one more year to go!) in the house?

Sometimes I hate the world so much.

Hehe that's a phrase I say alot these days. Fuck I hate the world. Rather than wahlao, EMO! Just a funfact.

And I do realise I'm blogging nonsensical shits, and risking sounding twitish but hey MY BLOG! Uh oh defensive mechanisms kicking in.

Okay thou shalt sign off before further ado. Byebye!

* i need you tonight

Open up your heart to me, and say what's on your mind. I know that we have been through so much pain. But I still need you in my life, this time.

I need you tonight, I need you right now. I know, deep within my heart; it doesn't matter if it's wrong or right. I really need you tonight.

I've figured out what to say to you. Sometimes the words they, they come out so wrong. Yes they do. I know in time that you will understand, that what we have, is so right, this time.

All those endless times we tried to make it last forever more, and baby I know I neeeeed you, yeah. I know, deep within my heart, it doesn't matter if it's wrong or right, I really need you..

I need you tonight, I need you oh I need you baby. It's gotta be this, it's gotta be this. No, it doesn't matter if it's wrong or it's right. All I know is baby, I really need you tonight.


What a classic. Jovieee production proudly presents: the Backstreet Boys!

; porcelain

sat up for hours, thoughts of a lover, il prolly nv get a chance t hold again all of my days spent waiting for nights with her again, again. and i'm, sharing a drink with a memory, and a laugh with an empty seat. do you stil look the same, will you stil look at me the same?

cos i know tt i don't, i've gotten so old in these last few years. and i'd rather be fighting with you than sleeping here next to her

don't let me fall il break, what a mess il make.
pathetic pieces on your floor will cut your feet forever.
you're porcelain, such fragile skin.
jus lemme hold you, il be gentle, i won't drop you
this time il be careful.

forget for jus one second tt this is not alright, lets drink to feeling nothing at least jus for tonight.
stay for one more, pass out on the floor like we used t do, it got so hot in your room.

and i can't let it go, the phantom pain i'm feeling. and the hurt won't leave me alone, and i'm tired of sleeping with ghosts.

fell asleep with your ghost, woke up with a headache. from a cure tt's only temporary and in the morning always fails me.

; this is my destiny

For the longest time. Say.. July, August? I've been ignoring most of my contact list. The only must replies are the ladies, and a bunch of close guy friends. The rest, I just click off, barely scanning through whatever they sent me. Applies to Msn as well.

I simply did not recognise the rationale behind obligatory replies to people I don't feel much like talking to. Thus, for the first time in a long while, I scanned all 15 groups in my msn, and took notice of their Msn nicks.

There was a time when I felt, that nobody stays in love anymore. And then it turned to. Everyone's in a relationship! Now, I see more than a handful emo, upset, break-up nicknames. Sigh.

My little cousin, I think she's 10, has sucha cute nick. Boys are bad, throw rocks at them. Haha!

Ah yes. Everyone has such intriguing blog addresses, yknow, those which I'd feel inclined to click and browse through just by the addresses. In contrast jovieee seems kinda, I don't know. Duh-ish? I couldn't think of what to use, so I followed Mich's idea, and decided to select simplicity.

Returning to littlemissemo? Or will it be bad karma..? Sorry I'm silly superstitious but just in case, you know? Still, I can't find an alternative identity that suits me more. What do you guys think?

; tui hou

Get to know yourself better

Your view on yourself:

Other people find you very interesting, but you are really hiding your true self. Your friends love you because you are a good listener. They'll probably still love you if you learn to be yourself with them.

The type of girlfriend/boyfriend you are looking for:

You are a true romantic. When you are in love, you will do anything and everything to keep your love true.

Your readiness to commit to a relationship:

You are ready to commit as soon as you meet the right person. And you believe you will pretty much know as soon as you might that person.

The seriousness of your love:

You like to flirt and behave seductively. The opposite sex finds this very attractive, and that's why you'll always have admirers hanging off your arms. But how serious are you about choosing someone to be in a relationship with?

Your views on education

You may not like to study but you have many practical ideas. You listen to your own instincts and tend to follow your heart, so you will probably end up with an unusual job.

The right job for you:

You have plenty of dream jobs but have little chance of doing any of them if you don't focus on something in particular. You need to choose something and go for it to be happy and achieve success.

How do you view success:

You are confident that you will be successful in your chosen career and nothing will stop you from trying.

What are you most afraid of:

You are afraid of having no one to rely on in times of trouble. You don't ever want to be unable to take care of yourself. Independence is important to you.

Who is your true self:

You are full of energy and confidence. You are unpredictable, with moods changing as quickly as an ocean. You might occasionally be calm and still, but never for long.

; think of me

ex-girlfriend, you can't have him
it's about time tt you found you a new man
he's moved on, don't you know, don't you know
you gotta let him go, let him go, let him go

ex-girlfriend, you don't listen
stop trying, he's not gonna give in
he's not yours anymore, don't you know, don't you know
you gotta let him go, let him go, let him go

hey ex-girlfriend, it's too bad when you had him
y'all thing didn't work
but he's all mine now, so stop pursuing him
before you get your feelings hurt

see our love is hot, and no it won't stop
cos i got him on lock
and although he rejects you, it don't seem to affect you
cos you keep trying to get with him

so don't, don't keep, keep calling
hang up the phone when i answer
i know it tears you up inside
and why do you sit in silence on the other end
til i hang up
and you predictably call right back again

hey ex girlfriend, whatever your name is
i'm really not amused
cos the things you do are very offensive
and sometimes straight up rude

all those late night calls and notes on his car
won't get you anywhere
you can call his mom as much as you want
and he won't really care

i understand why you want him back
but don't you know
our love's too strong for you to penetrate
it's too late
he's not your baby no more


HAHAHA. Such a powerful song. This goes out to all the psycho ex-girlfriends hounding the poor boyfriends of my girls now and before. BOO to you! ><

; forever for you

Never been one to learn from my mistakes, but this time I have, and I've taken steps to change, I'm different from who I used to be, so I really hope the Almighty above will be just and kind this time round towards me.

I've learned to give and graciously too, not just receieve without reciprocation. To make an effort, to try again and harder. To recognise my flaws, and do something about them. To accept that nobody's perfect, to forgive.

Sometimes I wonder whether this change is making me a better person, or simply a fool wrapped around a finger. But I've decided to push negativity aside, and instead work on being a stronger human being. Strong, but not stupid.

To the friends I've neglected, I'm sorry, it's the exams, and my tendency to gyrate and lavish all my attentions on the boyfriend and the few closest to me. The fact that I lost my phone doesn't help either. But tomorrow's the last paper, and I'll be a liberated woman! Hahaha.

Let everything be okay. I'm not indefatiguable.

I love you too baby.

; friends of the enemy

A brand new day, and a fresh new start?

May everything go well. (:

; un-break my heart

Let tonight be the finale of this helpless, incessant cascading of fallen tears.

I'm sorry.


take my heart, take my soul
so take my life, i don't need them anymore.

; it is you (i have loved)

Unnerved.

Sleep has been littered with insomnia, but it is not uncommon, rather a childhood trait, but lately, stress dreams has been haunting. There was a period of time when I did have nightmares on a nightly basis but it was a while ago.

And I remember last night, when I couldn't fall asleep at 4++, I was afraid to sleep, afraid of another nightmare, but I forced myself to, for the clear mind needed for tomorrow's exam.

Daunting dreams of similar nature, of myself cheating, and of being cheated on, with such clarity and precision of details they alarm and terrorize me.

Help. Help.

; cute without the e

Being happy comes with a price.

The perpetual fear that eventually, all this will go away.

Sigh. There's no point in worrying, there's only embracing the present, while it lasts.

; you ni bian you wo

I've long realised the joys of sitting in front of my comp with a fag and my fave songs. But only now do I discover that besides brushing the petty miseries of life aside, it takes away the good feelings as well, leaving me empty and back to my ol' jaded self.

But it was a good end to the week, meeting Michie Sis and having baby by my side always ends up well no matter how fucked up I feel before hand.

No more earlier hostile thoughts towards anyone, my anger comes and go really quick I guess.

Sigh. To my sis, like what I whispered to you earlier, yeah, we might have our little disagreements and unhappiness like any other people, but know that we're always sisters. Almost half a year since we got our matching tattoos, and I usually just look at it with unseeing eyes. But when I showered earlier, I stroked it gently, it's more than bodyart, it's a symbol of our years of sisterhood. And there's so much I want to tell you, and so tightly I wish to hold you and take your pain and tears away. But I'm helpless and I hate the unkind knowledge of that that won't seem to go away. And your tears make me cry harder than yourself. A little outside, but so much more within.

Oh I just heard the good news. THEY PATCHED. Lol. Okay now this emo post makes me feel so foolish. But whatever. Heehee. Okay. You owe me a treat since it was MY IDEA TO SECRETLY CALL CALV.

I love my Michie too. What will I do without you. With you I feel so completely safe and at ease. Like there's some guardian angel looking out for me. Fuck this sounds wrong and all but yeah. Hehe.

And baby. I can write essays on how happy I am with you. But.. yeah I don't wanna jinx anything. Haha, guess I'm silly superstitious this way.

Sometimes, I feel this is all I need to complete me. With my little girl lying on my lap, and the knowledge that my family's sound asleep, near and close to heart as well.

I don't need the brands, I don't need the popularity I used to be part of. I'm happy now. Of course, losing 10 kgs would be nice, but yeah. It's more a want than a need now. Hahaha.

Josh, Kitty, Vic, Leo, and many others, I haven't forgotten you guys. And I haven't forgotten you either. But, I'm happy now.

; every heart

I remember I had this huge urge to blog earlier but I was so exhausted I fell asleep instead.

Yeah. Uh. Few issues.

When I got home, my mom asked whether I saw my bro's arm. And I was like huh no he's not home. I thought like. Damn more injuries from fights? Then she said. He did what you use to do. Drew on his arm with a knife just because he was unhappy. Must have watched too much telly shows or something. Goodness.. -_- Must be courtesy of that girlfriend of his, he told me she's been lying so much and driving him nuts. I want to give her a tight slap. Ha I'm so immature sometimes. Still talking about slapping people. That's for all the twits of the world.

And er. Oh yeah Eng paper. Guess what came up for the one word essay? Dreams. This is more ridiculous than Marriage. And unlike this year, I didn't feel like I came up with the best compo of my life. Damn it. Mom was like why should you be stressed for this paper, no matter how it turns out you have an A2 to fall back on. But see. If I get anything lesser than an A2, it will mean I've lost touch and become a grade dumber. And if by luck I manage an A2 again, it'll mean I've not grown more intelligent despite being a year older. Grrr.

What else. Oh yes I think I've the slight ability to convert people into liking whatever I like. Haha like the boyfriend likes Ben&Jerry's but now he's digging Haagen Daaz. Oh speaking of icecream he was so sweet I just casually mentioned I prefer coffee cos he got two random flavours, and the next thing I heard, he bought it and I had like 1/4 of a tub last night. Yummy.

I hate people gloating at misfortunes of others. I hate smug people. Okay granted I do have my smug moments but I don't like do it in such a In Your Face way yo.

And I really think Michie should blog so I can know what's going on with her life.

Okay yawnsie two sticks since I woke up and I feel like chain smoking a lil longer.

Tatas.

; superman

Judy's blog.

This weekend I met a korean boy, and he was by far the most gentlemanly guy I've ever met. He really knows how to take care of girls and he actually paid for every single thing. Although I don't like him in that way, I can see why korean guys are the new guy of the mo. Singaporean guys really have alot to live up to, if girls compare them to the koreans. I mean, how often do your Singaporean guys hold the door open for you or buy flowers for you or refuse to let you pay for your food or let you decide on where to go and what to eat or wait for your food to come before getting started on theirs or are willing to send you home/stay with you in the city to wait for a friend because its not safe? Rarely, I'd say.

Ahaha. Having been in St. Francis (an international school made up of students from S'pore, Malaysia, Thailand, Indo, Korea, Japan,Columbia, Phillipines, Laos, Cambodia, Myanmar, Aussie, Britain, America, Canada, and a few other minorities that I can't seem to remember), I have to say that indeed Koreans win the most gentlemen award, hands down. I'm too tired to elaborate right now but yes. Apart from their extreme love of smoking and drinking that is.

Okay lets see. My boyfriend doesn't hold the door open for me but he waits for me to go outta the room or whatever before he does, or if he goes ahead he remembers to hold my hand. He doesn't buy flowers but I do get the occasional lil suprise gift ^^. I hardly ever pay for my food, I'm ALWAYS made to decide where to go and what to eat, he doesn't eat before I do and if I don't like my food I know I can change mine for his hehehe and he's willing to send me home or hang out with me because I forgot my keys and can't go home til dawn.

Hehehehe not too bad huh. I love you baby.

; endless love

could've been so beautiful, could've been so right..

Headache on and off today, but I don't wanna pop another panadol for temporary relief.

Reading her musings reminds me that she's another very human teenage girl, struggling with her own growing pains. And I feel guilt and I feel sorry for my bitching, influenced, private, but bitching nontheless. Maybe this is a sign, a sign that I'm growing up. Or simply, developing a more profound conscience.

Yearning for peace. A weird remark, huh? It's just that life is so terribly conflicted and muddled and everything sometimes. The ups and downs of my friends affect me adversely, my sis's break up gnaws at me with an unexplainable ache, Michie's obvious heartache (yeah deny it if you want babe haha) leaves tiny pinpricks in my heart as well.

I think I'm just tired, 4 hours rest littered with stress dreams since yesterday night is taking it's toil on me.

And the conflict with a loved one adds to the infinite burden I feel on my shoulder right now. It's always the night, the nights, when I muse and regret, and make wishes that I know won't come true.

I remember Cx telling me, 5 months ago, that time will heal all wounds, and mend all that is broken. It seems like a lifetime ago, but the fact is, some things will never turn out right, no matter how we hope, no matter how we try.

I know I reiterate this issue most often, but I can't help it. Love, friendship, popularity, everything is ephemeral. I've had it all, and I've lost it all. A 'theory' from my lit text, life is nothing but illusions we must overcome, life is nothing but an eventual lead to separation and lonliness. So sad, but true.

To be honest, I've been a lucky girl. Silver spoon, as people tell me. A close knit family. Brains, if I chose to, or I'm not too lazy to use them. And since primary school to the three secondary schools, I've been in the 'popular' or 'cool' clique. But why does she cry? Why the suicide attempt at 14, and the clinical depression years after?

Excessive paranoia, the occasional depressed bouts. I'm not trying to justify my weakness by claiming it's part of the medical yadayadayada. And I know it's not an excuse. I yearn so much for a life of simplicity. The belief that everything will eventually be okay? It's all in the mind, but I can't help it. Has it been instilled, from the formative years, and destined to haunt me for life? I know I sound overly melodramatic, but I really do feel this way.

I fear loss. I'm afraid of the emptiness that comes after loss. A chinese idiom, Na de qi, fang de xia. But it's na de qi, fang bu xia for me. If you pick something up, you have to be able to put it down. It's a lesson I never can comprehend. Regardless of all sense and reason, it's always been this way. Letting go of anything at all is like a tough struggle against a mountain lion or something.

It's been a while since I felt this emo-ness.

Sometimes I wonder, if love has been downgraded to a mere carnal act. And also I ponder, why does the suffering always seem to fall on the females. Not unlike my 'I would take bullets for you, but would you, for me? I doubt' theory. This applies to friendship as well. I remember Calv on that possesed night. And I know Sis would have willingly be the recipient of pain, for him. But if it was the other way round, it seems near impossible. I'm fond of Calv, in the platonic sense, but I don't think he would make such a sacrifice.

The theory is perhaps self-centered-ish, I think too highly of my empathy, and my 'unselfishness' (I am selfish in many other ways, I know) when it comes to lives, literal lives of my friends. Even if the victim was her, I won't hesitate to take the bullet. I know I won't. No strings attached.

But for me? Who would, besides my family. Would you people do it for me? I'm not questioning the.. I don't know what term to use, of my friends, you guys get the drift. It's just a jaded and bitter thought that comes into mind occasionally.

; bai se feng che

Oh and I forgot to mention, I lost my handphone again. 2nd time in two months, but this time I lost it AT HOME. I don't wanna pursue the matter but I really want my Simcard back. And God I hope it's the maid and not my brother tt's been stealing stuff. Money is bad enough, but a HANDPHONE is simply, utterly, ridiculously ludicrous.

And I miss my boyfriend already. I miss him whenever he's not around. I half wish we're livin together like Ww and Calv =O

I got this quote off Sel's blog,

I might have been in love before, but it never felt this strong.

I couldn't answer him when he asked whether he was the one I loved most in my life. Which is less than a quarter of a century. How do you define, and compare love? What about those you loved, but now you think of them with contemption and disgust, but when you doubt you ever loved, past blog entries speak louder than anything else.

Bah. I shall stay at home and wait for Baby's call. I wanna eat cheese cake and drink coffee bean ultimate iceblend with delectable whip cream. Coffee bean's whipped cream is seriously dope shit. Nothing else compares.

; creep

A ridiculously simple paper and I can screw up due to the lack of time.

Fuck perfectionist tendencies. Fuck trying to write bigger.

Forget 35/50, the usual humanities score. Think definite 30 and below.

Forget A1, I should be thankful for a B3.

I swear I hate the world.

The results doesn't really affect me any way, not going through the conventional routes of JC nor poly. But it sure takes a severe beating of the ego.

I'm contemplaing not going overseas next year, but staying in Sg. Private law and psychology diplomas for basic, then head overseas the year after.

Fuck. Help me get through this. 2 down. 4 to go.

; i think god can explain

There's alot of things I understand, and there's alot of things that I don't wanna know. But you're the only face I recognise, and it's so damn sweet of you to look me in the eyes.

It's alright, I'm okay, I think God can explain,
I believe I'm the same I get carried away.
It's alright, I'm okay, I think God can explain,
I'm relieved, I'm relaxed, I'll get over it yeah.

The scent of Vaseline in the summertime, the feel of an ice cube melting over time. Well the world seems bigger than both of us, yet it seems so small when I begin to cry.

I'm so much better than you guessed,
I'm so much bigger than you guessed,
I'm so much brighter than you guessed.


Win sent me this song, and I guess it speaks alot of the world, and majority of the aching humanity hanging around.

; random

I should be solving this whole issue in a more mature way, but sometimes, even the best of us choose to settle for the easy way out.

Clarification, you do not repulse me. Neither do I harbour the slightest resentment towards you.

Indignity and annoyance were certain, when I read the harsh entry, as well as hearing from more than a couple that "I do not allow him to talk to you" which was untrue, but it condensed into understanding of what you once told me 'malicious bouts of anger' which I feel, is justified by my not groundless, in my opinion, and definitely not personal but nevertheless, indeniably childish and irrational insecurity.

This isn't a defence from any attack, more like a gesture of.. I don't know. After all, we were friends, albeit not the closest, but I did enjoy your easygoing and amiable company.

Issue closed, and there's no need for any comments from anyone else (:

; ride with me

Talking to Quikz overwhelmes me with nostalgia.

More tomorrow, lazy to type.

; that's when i love you

when you have t look away
when you don't have much t say
tt's when i love you
i love you jus tt way

t hear you stumble when you speak
or see you walk with two left feet
tt's when i love you
i love you endlessly

and when you're mad cos you lost the game
forget i'm waiting in the rain
baby i love you i love you anyway

so when you turn t hide your eyes
cos the movie made you cry
tt's when i love you
i love you a lil more each time

and when you can't quite match your clothes
or when you laugh at your own jokes
tt's when i love you
i love you more than you know

and when you forget tt we had a date
and tt look tt you give when you show up late
baby i love you i love you anyway

so here's my promise made tonight
you can count on me for life
the more i learn the more i long
the more my heart can't get enough

tt's when i love you, when nothing baby, nothing you do can change my mind
tt's when i love you, when i love you no matter what (:


I love you baby.

; midnight highway

It's so ironic that I can be stress up to my knees with the looming exams (tomorrow is the big day to be exact) and issues of my own, and yet have the strength to be fuming over matters that my cousin put it so plainly with a look of amusment on her face, "It's none of your business."

But still! Okay I had this feeling the guy in question was him all along, but it was just a guess.. How could he! Whatever happened to those proclamations of love to his girlfriend, one of the sweetest, loveliest girls I've ever had the fortune to meet?!

Oh my god.

You know, they say ignorance is bliss. I WISH I CAN BE STUPID AND IGNORANT. But then again, I would be further more traumatised by my discovery... GRRR!

Half of me feels thankful I'm outta StFrancis and the people both past and present. Another half feels nostalgia. But I guess that's me, an overwhelming bundle of contradictions.

And in case my boyfriend complains I don't blog about him..

I love you loh. Hahahahaha. ^^ Baby wO aI nI mAny mAny wOrx!

; saving me

show me what it's like, to be the last one standing..

I can remember Natalie's heartbreak most vividly in my head. And truth be told, I was steamrolled by insane guilt being the unwitting third party in her relationship with Sam, despite repeated assurances from both of them, that they were on the rocks, and I was but the catalyst that led to the breakup.

There was self loathing, misery and anger directed at Sam, his selfishness and nonchalance towards Natalie, and for placing me into that one way predicament. She was his girlfriend for a couple of months, while she was but, an unknown face from a blog I chanced across, composing essay after essay of sorrow and agony. So why was I the one suffering from tremendous pity and overwhelming self reproach?

And then I replayed my breakup with Sam. Up to now, I'm fairly uncertain, one moment he denied, the next he claimed this and that, but there was this sick feeling in the stomach at that point, that I was the next Natalie. Who was the next Jieying, who was the next Becky. Or at least, that was what Natalie told me.

There was one particular incident that remain fresh in my mind. Maybe cos I'm afraid, repetition of history. Before we started the dating ritual couples go through, which means friends, but he expressed attraction and interest yada yada, he had to go over to Natalie's place for a couple of days, yeah (pretend like everything was normal) and he actually snucked a couple of calls and texts to me, while telling me not to reply. Stuff like I miss you and I can't get you off my mind. And more nonsense like, I didn't even feel like kissing Natalie anymore. I was angry and indignant and it tore me apart to imagine Natalie lying in his embrace, warm and happy, all the time unknowing to his betrayal.

And I'm sorry for the mistrust, it eats me up too but it was instilled within from bad experiences. I think I'm losing it.

At the end of the day, all the I love yous in the world don't seem real after all.

Loves to Mich and Kitty, thanks for being here with rational advice before I drown under massive waves of insecurity and doubt.