Sunday, December 31, 2006

; tears don't fall

Would she hear me, if I called her name,
Would she hold me, if she knew my shame?


Hello people, it's been awhile.

Mundane, banal, and the walking thesaurus can go on but what for?

Ushering of the New Year in four hours, and I'm too jaded, or maybe simply too lazy to fill in resolutions and promises I probably won't keep for more than a couple of weeks anyway.

Sorry for the cynicism. I'm feeling a lil.. worldly, a weebit weary too. It's incredulous how people can be so close, and a couple of months later, they have barely two words to say to each other. Whatever happened to the promises of everlasting friendship and support, love, even?

Don't try figuring out who it's going out to. Doesn't matter.

I miss my old town crowd more than I can ever fathom why. But whatever too.

Love my baby.

Jovinaaaaaaaaaa out.

Thursday, December 28, 2006

; a lack of color

Your view on yourself:

Other people find you very interesting, but you are really hiding your true self. Your friends love you because you are a good listener. They'll probably still love you if you learn to be yourself with them.

The type of girlfriend/boyfriend you are looking for:

You are a true romantic. When you are in love, you will do anything and everything to keep your love true.

Your readiness to commit to a relationship:

You prefer to get to know a person very well before deciding whether you will commit to the relationship.

The seriousness of your love:

You like to flirt and behave seductively. The opposite sex finds this very attractive, and that's why you'll always have admirers hanging off your arms. But how serious are you about choosing someone to be in a relationship with?

Your views on education

Education is very important in life. You want to study hard and learn as much as you can.

The right job for you:

You have plenty of dream jobs but have little chance of doing any of them if you don't focus on something in particular. You need to choose something and go for it to be happy and achieve success.

How do you view success:

You are confident that you will be successful in your chosen career and nothing will stop you from trying.

What are you most afraid of:

You are afraid of having no one to rely on in times of trouble. You don't ever want to be unable to take care of yourself. Independence is important to you.

Who is your true self:

You are full of energy and confidence. You are unpredictable, with moods changing as quickly as an ocean. You might occasionally be calm and still, but never for long.

Saturday, December 23, 2006

; ni hen ai ta

On the up side, I'm celebrating the 3rd month anniversary with my boyfriend, the first official 3rd monthsary in my entire life. 17 years, not very long, certainly, not even a quarter of a century, but I guess those who know me well are going Aaah with their mouths wide into a perfect O lol. :O like this. Whoever guess we'll make it this far (3 months in jovina's relationship terms = a very long time, trust me), and though we still very often have stupid squabbles and what not, we're still going strong and I love you baby.

On the down side, I'm gonna have to celebrate the 2nd Xmas in a row without someone important to me. This year, significantly worst than the previous. Last year was without a.. I don't know what to call him, ex boyfriend doesn't really fit, neither does fling. We'll settle with old flame I guess. Not that I'm thinking of him or anything, just.. random musings okay baby if you're reading this. That was hard, but imagine Xmas without my brother. Sigh.

God? *scoffs.

Tuesday, December 19, 2006

; cry

I've been getting more than a couple of calls, and texts.. overwhelming me with nostalgia.

"Piggy.. I'm in Cine, you around?"

"Haven't seen you around town lately, Jov."

"Girl where are you? I'm at Cine leh!"

And that chat with Bf.Nut's Quoxotic, aka Eug. Us making fun of anyone calling themselves Cine Kids these days. Hahaha! Probably twits migrated from PS, down the road. Plaza Sing's arcade's chock full of them. But I like that place, cos of the Rock Fever machine. I kinda own in it. I rock in KOF too. Hahaha just ask Mich to show you that video.

Sigh.

Those were the days. Idle hours but fun nontheless.

But I wouldn't trade my Baby, my Sis, my Mich for anything else I had.

Brother's court later. I'm preparing to cry a million tears. Final Judgement.

I wish the slut of a bitch will just die already, I don't know why but she annoys me terribly though she's more or less outta my life. Ah well. Like what a friend said, eventually, all her nasty conniving deeds will be exposed and everyone will see her for who she really is. Pray too, for that day to come.

I don't generally hate or detest people, but she's an exception. Too one of a kind, if you get what I mean.

Saturday, December 16, 2006

; il stand by you vs lullaby

The Best times of my life would be those with the Baby (my little girl), Brother, Boyfriend and Bestie. Sadly, I'm left with two outta four. How can I be anywhere near complete?


oh, why you look so sad? tears are in your eyes, come on and come to me now. don't be ashamed to cry. let me see you through, cos i've seen the dark side too. when the night falls on you, don't know what to do, nothing you confess can make me love you less.

il stand by you. won't let nobody hurt you, il stand by you.

so, if you're mad get mad. don't hold it all inside, come on and talk to me now. hey, what you got to hide? i get angry too, when i'm alot like you. when you're standing at the crossroads, don't know which path to choose, let me come along, cos even if you're wrong.

il stand by you. won't let nobody hurt you, il stand by you. take me into your darkest hour and il never desert you. il stand by you.

and when the night falls on you, you feeling all alone, you won't be on your own.



don't you cry, i'm right here with you. feel the darkness running away from here. don't you cry, i will stay with you. nightmares demons all end now. so close your eyes and you will travel to a magic world, where peace reigns forever.

today the stars will guide your dreams and protect all the things above you. tonight an angel will come to give you a kiss, only for you. sweet dreaming now, my little piece of love.

here we go, don't look at behind. hold my hand and i will, we'll fly away. here you have a thousand of adventures to live. just choose one every night.

don't remember the darkness and sorrow. come here now, back to light..

; yat sum gnoi nei yat gor

Refusal to allow tears to fall upon the heartless faces of steel, and the words so sharp the depth pierced, I am unable to describe with words as mere tools.

IF YOU TWO FUCKING SELF RIGHTEOUS FUCKTARDS WILL NOT HELP YOUR SON, WHO WILL?

Your words speak the loudest. A sister, an a minor at the eyes of the court bear no significance.

HOW CAN YOU FUCKING BEG NOT FOR AQUITTAL BUT FOR HIM TO ENTER THE GODDAMN HOSTEL?

The man claimed, and I reiterate, "Your brother's too cocky." And the woman, "He will never learn in 3 weeks."

FOR FUCK'S SAKE. WHAT IF I THROW YOU INTO A WOMEN'S JAIL FOR 3 WEEKS. WILL YOU ONLY THEN UNDERSTAND AND EMPATHISE WHAT MY BROTHER IS GOING THROUGH?

I will not believe the same blood flows in these two people I just spoke to.

When my brother was sent to the boys' home earlier this year for 3 weeks, I spoke not a word to my father, but for stinging words of sarcsm.

My brother is my priority in everything. Before my parents, before my youngest brother, before my own life even. He is my life.

And as these bitter tears flow I curse. To all who got him into this fucking shit. Soot kias, they're called in ahbeng terms. May you come to no good end. Vengeance will be addressed if I fucking have to. It's been awhile since I got involved in these issues, the last a year ago, when my brother landed in hospital due to a cowardy fucktard. 18 year old VS 14 year old and when he lost, he got 8 - 10 people to avenge himself against my poor boy. Don't ask what happened to him though. *sweet smile.


Gam Sum Tai Doi Nei. Gan Xin Ti Dai Ni.

Thursday, December 14, 2006

; i think god can explain

The very one day in like, a mullen years I'm finally home to chill and have some self-time, what do you get, but events, events, events.

Visited my brother in the morning. I thought it would be better, that we were getting stronger, unlike the visits in April and the one the week before where we cried a mullun tears. Didn't expect the mutual breakdown when the Sir announced, 'Boys, go to the back, time's up'. I hugged him from his profile, bitter pearls cascading down like torrential pours of rain, and as he engulfed me in a tight hug, I realised that his own were falling, as fast and furiously as my own. To have to let him go, I've never felt such acute pain, like fatal stabs in the heart.

His court case's on the 19th. Pray for him, with me, wish him luck. Thank you.

A dear friend of mine got into an accident. We were once so close, he had my back, I've got his. So silly us both, it was even indirectly a fault of mine he landed in hospital last year. It's been 3 years. Issues this year tore us apart. It was painful to have to pass his workplace and walk by like it never meant anything at all. But I never forgot how gentle and kind he was when I was tormented by heartbreak, the angel he sent my way to help me deal, to now one of my best friends and how good he always was, like a big brother to me, sending me all the way home though it was out of the way just to make sure I got home safe and sound. Thank you, big one.

His operation's tomorrow. Pray for him, too, with me, wish him luck. Thank you.

Saturday, December 09, 2006

; where are you now

I take back every single negative thought I had of where the relationship might be heading these couple of days.

It's so absolutely wonderful to be in love, and though it kinda stinks that I needed a movie (the Holiday was awesome, watch it with your boy or girlfriends, people) to reinforce that fact, I'm terribly glad and thankful it did. Thank you truckloads, Cameron Diaz, Jude Law, Kate Winslet and Jack Black!

Meeting you, and falling in love with you was serendipity.

Christmas time with him by my side is gonna be amazing, even if we do nothing but sit by the fireplace drinking hot chocolate, watching the pure white snow.. wait a minute. I'm getting a wee bit carried away by the movie here. Hehehe.

Yknow, it's the lil things that make you smile, and when you do that and feel your heart swell with affection just seeing his eyes and lips crinkle up with amusement at a comedy, you know he's got you wrapped around his pinky.

And when I remember the first time an I love you came from him, the sheer thrill and rushing of the blood to the face and heart, I felt like I've just fallen in love all over again.

Ah I'm getting so sentimental and mushy and my goosepimples are complaining.

Friday, December 08, 2006

; white night fantasy

Tonight's cold, and the familiar darkness decends with not one single bit of the customary comfort in solitude, but instead, a melancholic loneliness that seems a perpetual part of me these days.

Stinging.

Couple of days before, I accompanied my mother, cousin and youngest brother to the temple. I'm unsure what would be a concise explanation of it all without coming off as a superstitious nutcase, but back to the basics: it's a taoist sect and we're part of it. I've been, ever since undergoing a series of rites and rituals at the tender age of 7. It's been a good ten years.

There was a.. I don't know. I'm not supposed to talk about it, but apparently, with faith, devotion and constant practice, a mild form of possesion can be cultivated, one would be able to execute a series of strokes never learnt before, an inexplicable force? that swoops onto the body and wham, bam, alakazam, there goes a girl performing what appears a graceful combination of dance and fairy-like martial arts, not unlike those you see in period dramas.

And of course, me being me, I was skeptical but it was hard to be dubious when witnessed with your very eyes. I knew the girl when I was a kid, it's been years but she was a reserved, gentle creature. I think she still is. And to see her moving with such confidence, and poise that was so unlike her placid retiring nature, it wasn't difficult to believe in a paranormal, even celestial presence guiding her, bit by bit.

I'm still doubtful, naturally, but since young I've been instilled with the decency to potray sensitivity even in disbelief, to issues of personal faith and choices. So I answered my mother, cousin and friends who clearly believe, with polite smiles and nods. But what I really wanted to retort, but for hurting my mother, was "Why should I believe in a God who allows terrible things to happen to me?"

I know I shouldn't begrudge any higher power, by His Grace I've been blessed with health, four limbs and the basic necessities one can easily live on. Younger years, my friends used to tease me even, for being born with a golden spoon in the mouth. But.. meant to live, I want to live for so much more.

Am I plain ungrateful, simply greedy and discontented?

I don't know. I can't honestly say that life has dealt me a cruel hand, but what if you compare yourself not with the starving orphans or sufferers of child labour in third world countries, but wealthy socialities such as Paris Hilton who squanders stacks upon stacks of notes, no I should say, credit cards frivolously?

Thursday, December 07, 2006

; if your heart's not in it

I'm missing you, even though you're right here by my side. Cos lately it seems, the distance between us is growing too wide. I'm so afraid that you're saying it's over, it's the last thing that I wanna hear.. You say that you love me, but sometimes you're just saying the words. If you got something to tell me, don't keep it inside, let it be heard. I'm so afraid that you're saying it's over, but I'll make it easy for you.

If your heart's not in it for real, please don't try to fake what you don't feel. If love's already gone, it's not fair to lead me on cos I would give the whole world for you. Anything you ask of me I'll do. But I won't ask you to stay, I'd rather walk away if your heart's not in it.

How I wish I can take us back in time, but it's gone too far, now we can't rewind. And there's nothing I can do to stop me from losing you, can't make you change your mind.



No, this isn't about me and the boyfriend, we're still happy and in love, or at least, that's what I like to think and hope. It's about friendships and I've been contemplating.

Think about it. In a break up with a significant other, it's clean and precise. It's unequivocal. Break up = break up. And yeah, you hurt you bleed and everything but at least you know for certain, it's over, over. Speaking of friendships, they're ambiguous. You drift, and you're uncertain where you now stand in the heart of your friend.

But I guess I just gotta learn. Friends will stray, eventually. But how I wish they would never, never ever.

Wednesday, December 06, 2006

; love me

If you get there before I do, don't give up on me. I'll meet you when my chores are through, I don't know how long I'll be. But I'm not gonna let you down, just wait and see. And between now and then till I see you again I'll be loving you. Love me. Between now and then till I see you again I'll be loving you, love, Me.


Jovina, Shianne, Jenson, Jovan, Beebee.

Family.

Nobody will be able to fully comprehend my loss, my anguish from being torn justifiably, but still, cruelly from the person I love most in the world, my younger brother Jenson. One week apart seems like an entire lifetime.

Granted, on a typical day we would see each other for merely a matter of hours, about 10pm? when he returns home due to probation, but talk not about time as figures, hours and minutes, but quality time. Teasing banter, little squabbles, and when the need arises, heart to heart talks.

He lost weight. And his tears fell as freely as my own. "I only want my family", this simple sentence will haunt my nights until the next visit, same day, same time.

I miss him so much it's a constant ache in my heart that never really goes away.

Monday, December 04, 2006

Sunday, December 03, 2006

; gone

I really, really detest drama in my life. I wonder what I use to crave from it. The momentarily peaks punctured by numerous dips? Bah.

If life can go on as smooth as.. I don't know, silk? A straight line, I couldn't ask for more.

I feel like I'm missing out on shitloads of stuff. But Baby makes me happy. Only when we part do I realise I'm so damn hooked onto him I scare myself sometimes.

Life's a bore. I half wish I'm leaving as planned this year. One more year in bleak and dreary Singapore.. The usual Christmas excitement is contrasting so drastically with my dullish lifestyle, making it seem more monotonous then usual.

Ah my baby's so cute I have a really retarded picture of him in my phone. Heehee. Which reminds me. I got a new phone with a screwed up memory card and NO CABLE.

Sucker. And I damaged the top of the phone within TWO DAYS. And the time is screwed. If you text me at 16:00 it shows 8:00. Bloody retardish.

Life is sucha fun sucker. Hate hate hate.

I do realise I'm being whiny and irritating. Hmph.