; apologies, glances and messed up chances

always, all ways i wanted us to be,
always all ways you and me,
and i wait here on my own
and i wait for you to see
all the time i spend alone now won't comfort me.


Only a few hours left to a brand new year, a fresh new slate

and I'm still me.

; beyond

Browsing past picture, after picture of bright crimson faces adorned with bloodshot eyes, I no longer grouse, no more grumbles of growing up too fast.

Thank god I am so over booze.

How can you not be, when your Dad presents you with a miniature glass of Martel when you're merely 7? 8? and tells you 'Everyone should learn to drink a tad. You'll need it for the clients, if not better reasons when you grow up'.

Then the infamous overdose of a bottle of it Pure, straight outta the glass flask.

Damn I will never bloody forget hurling like a little loser from 6am - 8pm at the goddamn hospital.

Life of debauchery this way, nah, not for me.

My brother's like some gangster and he doesn't touch a single sip of alcohol either. Similar, though not some melodramatic incident for him.

Oh did I mention, I won $100 at Baccarat last night. Now for another $100 to even up.

; standing at the rooftops

I'm such, such a pushover.

My family (especially my older younger brother) knows exactly what buttons to push, transfiguring me from the surly Grinch to jolly ol St. Nicholas.

So close.. yet so far.

I really wanna scream my heart out.

But for now it'll be locked in the closet. Like where it belongs.

; porcelain

sat up for hours
thoughts of a lover
i'd probably never get a chance to hold again

all of my days spent waiting for nights
with her again
again

and i'm sharing a drink with a memory
and a laugh with an empty seat

do you still look the same
will you still look at me the same

cos i know that i don't
i've gotten so old in this last few years

and i'd rather be fighting with you than
sleeping here next to her

don't let me fall i'll break
what a mess i'll make
pathetic pieces on your floor
will cut your feet forever more

you're porcelain
such fragile skin

just let me hold you
i'd be gentle
i won't drop you
this time i'll be careful

forget for just one second
that this is not alright

let's drink to feeling nothing
at least just for tonight

stay for one more
pass out on the floor
like we used to do
it got so hot in your room

and i can't let it go
this phantom pain i'm feeling

and the hurt won't leave me alone
and i'm tired of sleeping with ghosts

fell asleep with your ghost
woke up with a headache
from a cure that's only temporary
and in the morning
always fails me

; xin dong

有多久没见你
以为你在那里
原来就住在我的心底
陪伴着我的呼吸

有多远的距离
以为闻不到你的气息
谁知道你背影这么长
回头就看到你

过去让它过去
来不及
从头喜欢你
白云缠绕着蓝天

如果
不能够永远都在一起
也至少给我们
怀念的勇气
拥抱的权利
好让你明白
我心动的痕迹

总是想再见你
还试着打探你的消息
原来
你就住在我的身体
守护我的回忆

; the golden path

An angel.

Will always, always subdue the devil.

; last christmas

Christmas was unexpectedly good.

Sometimes, the best thing in life is a surprise!

AND I got to hang up my sock like a kid (only this year, I sent it by text cos I wasn't home) and received one large note in it. HEHEHE.

LCW's getting me a _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ , a perfume of my choice (I declared perfume a yearly Christmas ritual and insisted that it's traditional like turkey and log cakes so technically, it's not a present it just comes with Xmas, and yummy dinner at Dylan's workplace.

Hahaha I'm so ripping him off.

But I'm getting him a mobile if that says anything about my generosity *smirks. Considering how he treats me..

Mom announced her need for a black bag earlier. It was like, tink! Pixie dust everywhere, time to dig my claws into Dad next!

; pictures of you

Vic's 12 days of Christmas posts was hilarious! Lawl lawl lawl.

If anyone asked me what gift I'd like, offhand I would most certainly blurt out 'Hermes Birkin'. Or perhaps, 'Successful eyelid surgery with Dr Kim of Korea'.

A personal pad at Sentosa would be really nice. (click here for pictures) Salim lives at the Caribbean apartments, and it's pretty damn gorgeous. I so wish I'm a young and wealthy Indonesian affluent as well. No more wistful dreams of living at Don's apartment a stone's throw from Cine, or Chua's luxurious 6th Ave mansion.

Anyway. I need to get down and dirty with happy pills and alcohol.

And my boyfriend sucks.

; save the last dance for me

So swift, the hands of the clock,
How fleeting, the days of the calendar,

The book of 2007 is coming to a close.

Thus ends my one year hiatus within the little haven of my world.

; fucked up

I had an (almost) beautiful dream. Compared to the nightmares I get in abundance, I'm really in no position to complain.

But. FUCK.

My mom lost $1k+ in the house. Thief within these walls. I wonder who..

I searched desperately for my pack of cigs. Finally pinpointed its location after a couple of calls, then wham bam thank you mam it wasn't there!

Guess what, no guess what?

My goddamn grandmother THREW it away cos she insisted there wasn't any cig left in it!

BITCH.

FUCK I HATE LIFE.

; sorry, apologise

as life goes on, i'm starting to learn more and more about responsibility. i realise everything i do is affecting the people around me. so i wanna take this time out and apologise for things i have done, and things that have not occurred yet. and the things they don't want to take responsibility for.



it's too late to apologise, it's too late..

; over you

now that it's all said and done, i can't believe you were the one to build me up and tear me down like an old abandoned house. what you said when you left just left me cold and out of breath, i fell too far, was in way too deep, guess i let you get the best of me.

well i never saw it coming, i should've started running a long long time ago. and i never thought i'd doubt you, i'm better off without you more than you know. i'm slowly getting closure, i guess it's really over, i'm finally getting better. and now i'm picking up the pieces, i'm spending all of these years putting my heart back together.

cos the day i thought i'd never get through, i got over you.

you took a hammer to these walls, dragged the memories down the hall. packed your bags and walked away, there was nothing i could say. and when you slammed the front door shut, alot of others opened up, so did my eyes so i could see that you never were the best for me.

; my boo

The father's no smoking at home injunction is ruining my life.

Hello dude, it is no fault of ours that the youngest picked up the habit.

I mean, like, since 4/5 of the family are smokers, also 4/8 of the homo sapiens under the roof, a compromise is the only fair way to eliminate resentment and maintain familial harmony.

; if

if a picture paints a thousand words, then why can't i paint you? the words will never show, the you i've come to know.

if a face could launch a thousand ships, then where am i to go? there's no one home but you, you're all that's left me too.

and when my love for life is running dry, you come and pour yourself on me.

if a man could be two places at one time i'll be with you. tomorrow and today, beside you all the way.

if the world should stop revolving, spinning slowly down to die, i'll spend the end with you, and when the world was through.

then one by one,
the stars would all go out.

then you and i would simply.. fly.. away...

; where are you?

Where are you Christmas?

Why can't I find you? Why have you gone away?
Where is the laughter you used to bring me, why can't I hear music play?

My world is changing,
I'm rearranging.

Does that mean Christmas changes too?

Where are you Christmas,
Do you remember, the one you used to know?

I'm not the same one, see what the time's done.
Is that why you have let me go?

; pergi untuk kembali

Sometimes, there's nobody I loathe or despise more than that lying prick of a boyfriend.

Speaking of hatred. Lemme count the people on my permanent shitlist.


1) Nicholas (SFMS)
2) Josephine (Entertainment)
3) Anthony (BF Ex-Clique)
4) Kenneth (BF Ex-Clique)
5) FatMich (Gardens)
6) Samuel (Ex - BF)
7) KeeSiang (Point)

Yucks and Fucks to Y'all!

There's a very miniscule possibility that my dog might have nasty ticks on her little body.

; i'm not okay

Aww, everybody go HOW TRAGIC JOV.

I'm barely halfway through and I can't make myself read anything any longer.

I wish I'm still foolishly but securely in dark like a lovelorn fool.

And I cannot believe you made out with that Thai girl whose face body probably even soul equates to the mere handicraft of money leeching plastic surgeons.

Wham bam alakazam.

Ugg, I wanna hurl so bad.

; only hope

Reformatting the bloody computer wins hands down the Dumbest Jov Act of 2007.

I so desperately need release, but I can barely think of a single oh please I'm gonna slit my wrists song.

Chancing upon.. okay I lied, I searched almost relentlessly for your history.

And it leaves me with nothing but a bad case of heart burn and a bad taste in my mouth.

But you're still so goddamn beautiful, you make me ache with longing.

; tears to shed

What does that wispy little brat have that you don't have double?

She can't hold a candle to the beauty of your smile.

How about a pulse?

Overrated by a mile
Over bearing
Overblown

If he only knew the you that we know.

And that silly little creature isn't wearing his ring, and she doesn't play piano or dance or sing.

No she doesn't compare.

But she still breathes air.

Who cares?

Unimportant
Overrated
Overblown

If only he could see how special you can be,
If he only knew the you that we know.

If I touch a burning candle, I can't feel the pain
If you cut me with a knife, it's still the same
And I know her heart is beating, and I know that I am dead
Yet the pain here that I feel, try and tell me it's not real
For it seems that I still have a tear to shed.

The sole redeeming feature from that little creature is that she's alive

Overrated
Overblown

Everybody knows that's just a temporary state, which is cured very quickly when we meet our fate.

Who cares?

Unimportant
Overrated
Overblown

If only he could see how special you can be,
If he only knew the you that we know.

If I touch a burning candle, I can feel no pain
In the ice or in the sun it's all the same
Yet I feel my heart is aching, though it doesn't beat it's breaking
And the pain here that I feel, try and tell me it's not real

I know that I am dead.

Yet it seems that I still have some tears to shed.

; prince of darkness

My poor baby.

Not only did he

a) Had a major argument with me (that's saying something, considering how often we squabble)

He was also

b) Alleged to have hurled profanities at his officer?? sergeant?? and also of cheating with his friend in a run two weeks or so again, thus marking up two charges, of Insubordination and Integrity issues respectively

As well as

c) Kissing the butt of a greedy taxi driver who stopped suddenly and demands $300 in compensation along with the repair fees of the taxi. License plate and bonnet? of BF's car mildly 'disturbed'.

I don't get why we have to pay when it was he who stopped the car outta the blue. I mean, my bag flew outta my arms and all my stuff were scattered everywhere, and I also got a pretty painful bump.

Oh well.

Must remember to buy 4d tomorrow. Too bad I didn't catch the cab's license plate.

; smashed into pieces

How long I've evaded my once dearly beloved Silverstein, I can't even begin to count. According to most of my former crew, Yours Truly = the very Imagery of the song.

Oh, ignore the sickening stench of childish sentimentality evoked in the previous entry.

Very rarely does outrage; indignation; shock and hurt mute my admittedly dubious ability for prose. But whatever, this is one of those times.

I more than deserve it.

Juliet's tale was declared the woe-st of them all, but at least Romeo didn't claim to be the only color in her EMO world. The cheek, the..

Thou shalt not go on.

; fighting fish

I've slept exactly 3 hours, and that's only with the help of mild sleeping pills for the past 3 days. The scary thing is, I'm not in the least tired.

Bryan's 27th birthday today. Fun. Too bad Nick messed up and booked the biggest room available, just at the wrong outlet. Haha!

I've such a wonderful family. Daddy held my hand earlier. It felt.. weird. But sweet. I felt like a little girl again, content in the embrace of her blood. And my cuz and I realised we were more than sisters, we're practically best friends! :)

I've been lucky all my life. There's always someone out there, looking out for me. I knew that when Lydia gave me the bigger half of the cookie, when Raes never forgets to send me birthday cards every year from the US, when Vic and I had the Amazing Race from Jurong, Changi Prison, to Lavender's immigration to bid Daniel farewell after his release, when Mich laid me on her lap when I was drunk and vomitting like a Merlion, when Wanwin forgave my hurtful, nasty words the moment I called her, crying, when my cousin worries about my lack of appetite and sleep.

All I need now is to learn to trust my boyfriend 100% and not only forgive, but forget his mistakes that occured more than half a year ago.

Easier said than done, but I'm trying. I'm trying.

; 斗牛要不要!

Mike He HAS to be the most gorgeous guy alive.

He just gets hotter and hotter with every drama.

The first episode was bloody DIAO. Can't wait for next Sunday!

; bloody national service

I'm bored and starving, and it's all National Service's fault.

Omg I just saw Leo's nick, and it's that cheesy camp song my boyfriend kept sanging a month or two ago.

I ASKED MY GIRL TO TAKE A WALK, TO TAKE A WALK DOWN ORCHARD ROAD.

For the love of god...

; bu gong ping

For as long as I can remember, I've always been a sucker for sappy Chinese, Cantonese or even Hokkien songs. Which naturally made me the butt of countless good natured jokes among the AngmohPais, which make up the majority of my friends.

I used to view my fondness for them as a weakness that will only be exploited. Might be the victim of malicious teasing, thought I. Then one day I woke up and thought, Hell, I can love Metallica, Nickelback, and Jay Chou all at the same time, can't I? That was a pivotal (in a certain way) moment of my life, short though it has been, so far anyway.

I can actually speak fluent albeit simplistic Mandarin, and my dialects are passable. Quite a number of people are unaware of that fact.

This is going to be pretty random. I'm currently in the midst of freezing into a human icicle in my boyfriend's room.

Did I mention I like techno? Only I prefer to term them Eurodance. Which reminds me of AhYi's IRC Channel, back in those good ol' days. #Dancing.with.Eurodance.at.Night or something along those lines. HAHAHA, those were the days, I kid you not.

These days, I wish I'm a kid again. I was rushing all my life to grow up, for reasons I now cannot fathom. If only I took my time, smelled the flowers, really savor the world the way only youth and naivete knew how..

I recall quite clearly a scene in the art room, 2nd year of Secondary, Xinmin. For once I was concentrating hard on my art piece rather than doing What's That Called.. something along the lines of Jumping Jacks for not handing up the previous week's assignment, well whatever. My teacher then, Ms Yvonne Ong (also sister of radio personality Daniel Ong, they look alike and speak alike but I digressed) touched my hair, and said not unkindly, but wistfully 'You shouldn't have rebonded it. You're only 14. Leave it as it is, it'll be fluffy not doubt but you've got plenty of time when you're older to do whatever you like to it.'

I wish I didn't pierce multiple earholes when I was 11. I wish I didn't pierce my nose when I was 13. I wish I didn't begin rebonding my hair when I was 13. I wish I didn't apply makeup when I was 13. I wish I never had to go through the agony of my best friend moving to the States when I was 13. I wish I didn't discover contacts when I was 14. I wish I didn't learn clubbing and smoking when I was 14. I wish I didn't skip school when I was 14. I wish I was never almost raped when I was 14. I wish I never cut myself when I was 14. I wish I never committed suicide when I was 14. I wish I never yelled at the Bitch of a Principal at Huayi and got myself expelled when I was 15.

I don't want to remember anything else anymore.

What the average reader's probably unable to grasp is that, all the above are typical in current-day Singapore. Eg. Self mutilation was practically unheard of. But a few years ago, it simply wasn't so.

I was the epitome of a girl who grew up too fast, and in my personality still bears the unseen stigma, like a scarlet letter on my breast, always close to heart.

; star movies

Reap the repercussions,

Did I not tell you months ago that I recognised the symptoms, that I read the signs? Did I not warn you, advised you in goodwill to speak to your kin, to shower her with a tad more concern as opposed to your 'Don't bother, don't ask' routine?

I am always careful and considerate when smoking at your place. I leave no bloody trace. I hardly even smoke in the yard. Yet to conceal your flaws you push the blame to me. I don't see your need to feign ignorance of anyone smoking. It's clearer than clear.

And for god's sake, I will never again smoke in your house. So next time, any lighters boxes or ash around, I'm going to raise my voice and deny everything. Sick of picking up the pieces you broke.

; lonely

It never once occurred to me that it could be the other way round.

Why would she willingly give up what I would give my everything for? What I've been desperately craving, nightly dreaming of, since the tender age of fourteen?

It is true, that one man's meat may be another's poison but this realisation led to an all too troubling self-discovery.

What I've been clinging on to- what could drive me to ecstasy in a fantasy world only to shatter any miserable ounce of my self-esteem all in a flicker of an instant, for such a prolonged period of time is more than likely just an idealized illusion, memories are sentimental, and vague and subjective after all, we remember only what we choose to, whether consciously or not.

I have elevated my Holy Grail to a celestial pedestal. Hopes so high will only crash and allow the manifestation of burning disappointment.

I have always imagined that if it belonged to me, the dark clouds will go away, and never come back for like fiery Apollo, it will chased them to the other end of the world. How wrong I have been.

The wind is neither whispering, nor whimpering now. It is raging.

; romeo & juliet

My only hate sprung from my only love - yes, my boyfriend can be such a big fat piece of nasty-smelling beef JERKy sometimes.

He can so win the award for 'Worst Video Renter' of the Year. Who rents 3 outta 3 lousy videos we can't be bothered to finish?

Myself, on the other hand.. *clears throat*

- Romeo & Juliet (1968)
- Sleepy Hollow ~all time favourite!
- Secret Window

Romeo & Juliet is l33t. Even LowCheeWee couldn't resist watching despite the flowery language he's unable to comprehend thus MOI, the walking translator. Olivia H. is absolutely be-yooo-tiful!

; ohhhhhhh sweeney!

Guess who's coming round this Christmas?

Nope not Santa, though I'm keeping my fingers crossed I'll be on his NICE not naughty list this year and get that Mulberry Baywater in Ostrich.

SWEENEY TODD!

Evil personified, as Johnny Depp potrays the haunted barber with bloodshot eyes and a streak of white in his thick shock of hair. The popular Broadway musical, under the direction of acclaimed director Tim Burton, I'm keeping my fingers crossed Johnny and Helena Bonham-Carter can sing. After all, he was from a rock band in his younger days. Creepy yet sensual, Bellatrix Lestrange plays Mrs Lovett, Sweeney Todd's amorous accomplice.

Here's the downer. It'll be released to a limited audience in the US on the 21st of December, but in Singapore, FEB 7 208. That's two whole months away from the US release!

Bugger. Hopefully, Bittorrent will save the day!

; dear, dear

Gucci's winter bag and belt selection was hideous, such a disappointment.

Mom's mini operation went pretty much alright, her boob's still bleeding though, so as not to retain any 'dirty blood' I think. She'll have to head back to Mount E. tomorrow for a quick review.

Guess who I literally BUMPED into in town?

FAT Michelle, as fat as ever, and larger than life!

I recognised the battered blue teddy tee when I turned over, frowning irritably as she almost knocked me over.

The uncanny thing is, moments before, I was enjoying my baked rice at NYDC, and telling my cousin that I remember being here a long time with Wanwin, Mich, and FATMich.

Better go bathe to wash off any ill luck from that unexpected, unwanted encounter with that cockroach. *shudders disgustedly*

; niu zai hen mang!

I am so gonna kill myself for not diligently reading the newspapers everyday or following up on the forums like I should have.

I'M GOING TO MISS BOTH DAYS OF JAY'S 2008 WORLD TOUR!

:( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :(

18th Jan is his birthday, it's bound to be a night to remember, probably Jay's mom and granny will be there with a gigantic cake, helium balloons and everything!

GRRRRR.

; kids say the darnest things

For that very shallow side of me, I've finally found the perfect excuse explanatory statement.

Because you can't have depth without surfaces.

Questioned the little brother the other day, 'Sis, your LV bag is a fake right?'

!?!?!?!?!?!?!?

Hello? We went bag hunting at various boutiques for two consecutive days with the Parents remember? Albeit you were slouching on the couch like a duck caught in a shower until a $1000 pair of sneaker caught your eye.

I was so indignant, I opened my mouth only to close it a second later. I will not deign to enlighten him and his deluded train of thought.

The Cousin injected delightedly, 'Silly! Of course it's authentic!'

'Oh. I thought LV stands for Levis.'

He looked half-sheepish, half amused. I suppose it applied to his whack sense of humour, the expression on my face.

; i won't see you tonight

Whatever happened to Moms who bake you cookies, tell you you're the sweetest little angel fallen from the heavens, or plain and simple, MIND THEIR OWN BEESWAX?

Mine is a major pain in the neck lately.

I haven't really forgiven her for being the first AND she will be the last, I can assure you, to give me a slap and I am only keeping my cool because she has an operation scheduled on Friday and I don't really want her to burst a boob or something.

PAH!

; -

The boyfriend has TWO outfields this week. I think that was why he decided to retrieved companionship of the PSP for me, guess he thought I might be lonely?

BBDC on Weds & Thurs, wish me luck!

Three days down and I'm still stuck with a nasty cold. As I was typing this very sentence in fact, I simultaneously sneezed and had to fetch a piece of tissue. The poor area below my nose above my lip is bruised from all the friction.

Bernice's birthday yesterday, hoped she had a good one, everyone deserves a memorable if not semi-non forgettable 18th. Reminder to self: MUST stop procrastinating and go for driving lessons, otherwise I'll probably be the last bugger to get my license.

Operation saving money is not going too well. I go a little crazy at bookstores. And ordering food.

And I can't think of anything else to say, the cough syrup's addled my brain. Hey that rhymes. Now what did those SAS boys use to call cough syrup again? Oh yeah. Cheap thrills. Haha. I so remember Alwin gulping down an entire bottle on a certain fateful day a year back at ToaPayoh Mac.

Zipadeedoodah for now. Zipadeeday!

; over the rainbow

It's a tad annoying how everyone's msn works pretty much fine on my computer but mine jams up everytime I type two sentences. I've reformatted the bloody thing twice and NA. DA. I wonder if it's because I have 15 groups. *shrugs*

Fully utilising MSN functions should be good. I can't compressed it all.. damn. Surprise! It screws up again! Bah, anyway, prioritising, there's * for me and Chwee, Family, Serangoon garden south, Xinmin, Huayi, St francis, St andrews, 86 86, 88, Volleyball, Gardens, Jurong, Males, Females, and a teeny pile of people I can't be bothered to sort out just yet. Gotta get down to deleting, I think having 300+ people is the problem, but if I have to eradicate people I know and don't talk to right now, that's probably two thirds my list.

Bored of my template, and too lazy to create a fresh piece (by that I mean rip off blogskins dot com and do some minor html editing) so you're stuck with this for the moment. Let us hope no creepy self-obsessed people come on all accusatory-like whining that I have a similar template to theirs - hello, default remember?

Poker championship on the PSP is the sex (LOL I know, I think it ridiculous that 15 year olds are using that phrase, what would they know of sex great sex?) And I beat my brother in Baccarrat earlier. 33.50 bucks but I secretly left 20 bucks in his wallet. Toto 3 million tonight!

Just going to explain my Quit Smoking on Monday theory to Yappie before I run off. Later!

; breathe again

I just wanna breathe again
Learn to face the joy and pain
Discover how to
Laugh a little
Cry a little
Live a little more.

I just wanna face today
Forget about the worst of yesterday
Maybe if I
Hope a little
Try a little more


I know I'm hopelessly outdated but Dou Yu (The Outsiders) is seriously a must watch drama series with a good plot but slightly mediocre acting.

; outsiders

We humans can easily get used to every single thing.

Take this for an example. The toilet stinks so badly, but there's only one and you really need to poop. So you hold your breath and step in. The poop takes forever. Hey! By the time you're done and flushed, the toilet doesn't seem to smell at all.

See?

That's why when the same shit keeps occurring, it hurts lesser and lesser. But this weary resignation hurts me more than the deed itself.

; i live in toa payoh

My uncle gave me a huge grin and went 'Louis Vuitton, my friend!', pointing at my bag with the dustbag lying on top of it. Hahaha. I forgot my aunts and her husband were the original LV lovers of the family.

My little cousin is the epitome of great genes. My uncle and aunt both has larger than usual eyes and that came up nicely on her, with a lovely fair rosy complexion. She's gonna be a gorgeous woman one day.

My BF pissed me off major when he hung up on me and turned off his phone again, but for once, he actually turned it on after 5 mins and called me back. So everything's fine and dandy. If only he knew how easy it can be to solve matters, instead of leaving me to cry and sulk the whole night. LOVE HIM.

I want that Mulberry purple ostrich. I don't know why I'm so into ostriches lately. Thinking of selling the Gucci messenger meant for my brother but he didn't want since I'm not a fan of sling bags but getting 400 for a 900 bag used less than half a year doesn't seem worth it somehow.

Oh and I so need to catch up on my driving. I've been slacking for months now.

; bu tong

I'm going to quit smoking soon.

I know, I've said it a million times but lately the only times I need to smoke are when I wake up, after I eat and before I sleep. And when I'm bored. Think it's due to the training when I live over at the SO's, only sneaky sneaky or when we're out.

Xmas is round the corner. Celebrating the second one with the BF this year. Pretty dope huh. We're doing fine, sometimes we fight but we always make up. Our common hot temper, his white lies (okay, just one stupid small lie which bugged the hell out of me), my insecurities. The best part is when I snuggle in his arms before sleeping, inhaling the familiar scent of him and the comforter that's when I feel that no matter how screwed life can get, things are gonna be okay.

; blah

I just realised I have really dumb titles.

And I need a new blog skin. This ugly thing is so getting to me.

; glazed eyes

I get a headache when I use the computer these days. Maybe it's cos my moniter is SHIT compared to the boyfriend's 21 inch one.

Bla bla byebye.

; brain freeze

I feel like changing my hair color.

This 'matt brown' is getting on my nerves, especially with a touch of my roots showing. I know I should just go back to black, but black's so.. boring.

And I went red this year already, and Touche to some of you out there but hell am I never going to go blonde again.

And I think I can safely say that to pink, blue and all the kickass colours I use to do.

Was thinking chocolate. Looks black, but isn't black..?

I know, an entire entry on hair color. Don't mind me.

; plasma telly

Dreams can be so desperately vivid.

Reunion after four years, hands are tied, hearts not free.

R + J Forever. :)

; one sweet day

One of the reasons why I avoided (okay, avoid is too strong a word, more like stepped aside) my friends is because I'm weary of the inevitable drama that will happen sometime or other in even the strongest of friendships which hurts me like hell.

Recently I've came to miss them, the good parts of comfort and a shoulder to lean on. Or simply having regular people to hang out with.

But reading a friend's blog, and her severe conflict with her best friend reinforce my theory that the bad parts more often outweighs the good ones.

And now drama is within my very family.

My brother is prime suspect for robbery cos he fits the description of being a certain height and having a tattooed arm. We found the fucker, but I'm still not sure reporting him is the best idea, what if the police turns around and interrogates me and I slip up or something?

My younger brother has skipped two consecutive days of school, lied that he was going to the shop and ended up somewhere else till late at night, and today, left goodbye you can contact me at yada yada number letters to me, my brother and my cousin.

My mother is a psychotic wreck who gave me the first couple of slaps in my life for being 'rude to her' when she was asking me about my brother. Ha. She thinks he didn't really struck 4d but got the money from robbery. And she didn't ask HIM anything, she asked ME. And guessed who bore the brunt of her wrath? Fucking bitch.

My dad had to stuggle with her, half strangle her, and yell at her for taking out her unhappiness on a child (me) and she threatened to commit suicide like a mad cow.

Nutcases I swear.

; dad's morning exercise

Haven't slept a wink and I'm heading off to work in a few (giving up my sleep for hanging out at shop equates work in my book hey) cos Bryan's grandma passed away and Nic's down with some.. I don't know, just sick or something?

I swear, our common fondness of the decadent act that gambling is was and can very possibly still prove to be the bane of my entire family.

Take my brother. He just won 4d and $350 at TMK's mass the night before last remember? Well last night he bloody lost $800 at the same mass. Brrrr. The queer and scary thing is, the $800 seems so insignificant compared to the 2grand debt he chalked up the other time, so neither of us are very affected by this loss. Just took it as, money come, money go you know? Bloody hell, now that I think of it $800 is a reasonable sum of money.

It's just like my Dad said, we gotta watch it cos we've got this gambling-addict gene in our blood or something.

I am so sick of living in a tiny house. True, I'd probably miss sharing a room with the bro after 18 years but still. I wanted to exercise the other day and I was thinking damn I used to have the treadmill the tricycle and some weird stepping up and down thingy in my house. I wanted to play a game of billards and I remembered damn I used to have the bloody table in my house. For fuck's sake my DVD and Kbox system is down! The computer's in the living room, so's the SCV. I mean, what's the point of getting most of the channels only to have the goddamn box in the living room?! NO AIR CON! We wanted to get a pool table but it didn't fit into the tiny shophouse and now we've rented it out so.

SIAN AH.

; drumbeats

I finally know what Sel means by buying 4d for a hope.

In the past month, my brother struck 4d twice already! And he would've won another 2 times if he bought system 7! But it's good enough already yo,

Like I kinda believe there is a God out of all this. He has a 2k debt, so he wins some money. I don't really need the money, so I didn't win. Lol but quite fun anticipating the results every weds and weekends.

; my love my fate

I am not a forgiving person, oh please spare me the 'magnanimity is a virtue' backlash, I really couldn't care less.

Fucked up people deserve what they get, karma's the best bitch out there who proves that justice, even if only occasionally, does exist.

Haha. I gloat and rub my hands in glee over your unhappiness, know that? :D

Anyways,

the Boyfriend's in platoon J, and he very sweetly texted me 'J for Jovina!' and my acquaintance's man's in the same platoon, AND the same section as well. HAHA.

The bunch of us yak so much about our boys all the time that we wondered whether they actually know each other, and once or twice we hit jackpot and we get all giggly and excited about it. Some female hormone thing, no doubt.

We had our 1st year anniversary the day before he booked in. Here's a self amusement snippet to share,

'Baby can I have a Tiffany & Co. ring?' (Straight to the point, ask and you shall get says the Lord)

'Okay.'

'Huh. You're not even gonna ask how much it's gonna cost you?'

'What for? Knowing you it's bound to cost no less than a bomb in my pocket.'


HEHEHE. I love having a boyfriend that knows me so well.

; the 16th

Are you, modern 21st century homo sapien, aware that, contrary to popular belief, the traditional Mid Autumn (thanks to Mavis I know the correct term is neither Mooncake nor Lantern) Festival -fifteen day of the eighth month on the lunar calendar, does not play host to the perfect orb of a moon?

It is in fact, today, the 16th that the celestial body forms an immaculate, precise sphere of molten gold. Proudly beaming upon us all, so regally, so gloriously.

"You are no sun, but you are the moon. You do not allow bathing upon your rays, but basking upon your glow. The moon belongs not to the light, to darkness instead, but regardless it is still beautiful. Remember that."

Thank you.

; wheeeee

I am like, so sorry I'm sounding off sucha shallow-ist at heart, but tell me.

HOW CAN YOU NOT HAVE A LOVE HATE RELATIONSHIP WITH VICTORIA BECKHAM?

100 and counting Hermes bags I tell you. Bloody hell.

My envy threshold erupted the moment I saw that pristine white Birkin in the Purse blog. I'd always major dig white bags and it is to DIE FOR I tell you.

You see. I couldn't be bothered to blog when I wanted to whine about my BF's first day in Sispec but here I am hating VB down to her Christian Louboutin's.

I'm so superficial I wanna stab myself. Oh bye.

; imagine 10 of you

So I was fooling around on Imeem when I thought of that song and oh so naturally HY came to mind. After all, he was the one who introduced this song we all came to love that particular day at JE Kbox with his green jacket on me and him freezing half to death.

So I Friendster-ed him, and he's with a Cancer girl just like I always knew he would. Taurians complements Cancerians like how Shakira's hips sway in Hips Don't Lie, asi es perfecto. Just not me.

I'm not bitter, really. And unlike Longda, I wasn't shocked by his saccherine sweet gestures on his girl's birthday. Rose petals scattered on the bed forming a perfect heart with an I-love-you in the middle. That spells HY all over it.

I realise I always blog heavy. Don't be mistaken. Life is just cruising, it's just that I'm too lazy on those breezy days. Ah well.

; a walk to remember

So,

I've had this dreadful flu from last week, and just yesterday I developed a nasty cough which aggravated my barely healed, still tender throat. Know why, know why?

Courtesy of the boyfriend. I just don't get why he point black refuses to see the doc. "I already know what's wrong with me, I'll just take medication, why waste the money?" Yada yada, my foot. Yeah, not waste money but waste my mom's. Thanks to him, HELLO AGAIN FLU & SORETHROAT! JOIN THE CLUB, COUGH! I must have blew/spat through an entire tree's worth of tissue papers already.

And I usually am a big dog lover but his dog is really, getting to me. The aircon's on but we can't close the door cos the bloody creature can't make up it's mind whether it wants to stay in or out. AND it chomped on ALL my medication so I have like, nada left.

I should be all christian and sympathetic after watching A Walk to Remember but somehow, I can't manage it.

; when you're gone

Fuck no smoking cos my throat can't take it. I deserve a break.

Did I mention I do a pretty good Avril impersonation? Honest! Just as whiny and angst-fueled.

I heard the Pieces don't fit in song on Rach's blog, dope shit.

Guess what, I'm goddamn miserable and I only have my dog for comfort.

And the doctor today remembered me from my anti depressants days and he talked to me about youth being gone in a flash and him being 2/3s of his life closer to his grave. I just noticed his hair was tied up in a little ponytail.

Okay the fag made me feel worst than ever. I guess that's what being sick with no food and medicine in your stomach does to you.

Fuck it.

; sick

Remember how ill you felt, how weak and fatigue when you're down with a fever, flu and a swelling throat to boot?

Throw in a lying boyfriend of a year and whoopee, that makes up the worst day of my life.

; sipping soup

I just really really want a pair of Jimmy Choos.

In LiuXingHuaYuan, Jing was going on about how everyone needs a good pair of shoes to transport them all over the world.

I need a pair of Jimmies to do that.

OH PLEASE LET ME GET A PAIR OF JIMMIES THOUGH I STILL CAN'T JUSTIFY THROWING A GRAND ON A SHOE WHICH IS GONNA GET DIRTY ANYWAY.

Christian Louboutin will be fine, beggers can't be choosers right?!

OH PLEASE OH PLEASE OH PLEASE.

; ai tai yuan

I don't know why I'm feeling so goddamn irritable right now.

The BF's POPing today, and I'm not going cos he only has two tickets and both parents want to attend so too bad for me. Oh well, it's not that I bother since the weather's so fucking hot anyway.

I absolutely loathe it when the house phone rings cos everyone has to rush to the living room to answer since thanks to the cousin and the younger brother's inconsideration months back every phone is confiscated and the dad's still safekeeping them.

Okay wish me luck I don't wanna jinx anything so keeping my mouth shut for the time being.

; x files

So my girl's shedding, and whenever I'm home I'm in the perpetual state of being covered in fur all over.

But I don't care, she still comes on the bed anyway. Until I next change my bedsheets that is.

I'm such a telly addict, I can sit in front on the tee and watch shows for hours, especially with the great new SCV channels we signed up for.

And I'm rereading the shoppaholic series. I so love Becky Bloomwood. :D

; stranger

Hilary Duff is so goddamn hot in the video, I know, I can't believe I'm saying that.


Nobody believes me when I tell them that you're out of your mind. Nobody believes me when I tell them that there's so much to hide. You treat me like a queen when we go out, wanna show everyone what our love's about. All wrapped up in me whenever there is a crowd, but when no one's around,

There's no kindness in your eyes. The way you look at me it's just not right. And I can tell you what's going on this time, there's a stranger in my life. You're not the person that I once knew. Are you scared to let them know it's you? If they could only see you like I do, then they would see a stranger too.

Did I ever do anything that was this cruel to you? Did I ever make you wonder who was standing in the room? You made yourself look perfect in every way, so when this goes down I'm the one who will be blamed. Your plan is working so you can just walk away. Baby, your secret's safe.

Such a long way back, from this place that we were at. When I think of all the time I've wasted, I could cry.

; next life

The world may think I'm worrying over nothing, that I'm generally being the mistrustful, over paranoid pipsqueak of a person that I am, but I know better.

My intuition, rarely, you could say never, misses too far off it's mark.

I can't believe it's happening again.

Question is, what do I do now?

; hey there delilah

I love this song. It's been my ringtone for a few months now. And I can't resist the dig, way before Perfect10 started playing it.

Reminds me of Clarissa, Max and myself at Cine before the customary cosmopolitan (think 10 different nationalities) 'drink till you drop with no less than thirty and 50 - 60 bottles of Tiger and if you're lucky you'll see Bart high on drugs and Boy with a bin over his head running full circle around Newton'.

Talked to her the other day. She's miserable, because of the Baked one (Baker la, duh) Like Matt once said, Clar's really One Love, man. I can't remember how many men I've switched since mid05, from Shawn to my current SO. We were singing Hey there Delilah really loudly at the railings and Qianqian and what's her name, the hottest China girl in school, I think it's Si Si or something, said Hi and what I was doing and Max thought I was speaking Japanese instead of Mandarin cos I could do the China accent perfecto.

Anyways, my brother just chalked up a 2058 gambling debt. I would say Good luck, have fun but since he's my brother all I can give is, Godspeed.

; jolene's memes

Play your music on shuffle and just whack!

How will you feel tomorrow?
crazy mary

Something that impresses you.
how six songs collide

What will I do tomorrow?
everything i do (i do it for you)

What is your sex life like?
leaving on a jetplane

Your dream lover.
best thing you never had

Am I going to find food in the kitchen?
when you're gone

If I were president, what would I do?
lying is the most fun a girl can have without taking her clothes off

What will your grandkids be like?
whole again

I see lizards everywhere in this house. Small ones which are actually kinda cute. But this one's a dirty brown so it's gross.

; HORRORscopes

The dark side of the stars.


Aries (Mar 21 - Apr 20) (rei ;D)
A warrior at heart, you thrive on challenges and fights. If there aren't any strife and dramas, you are tempted to stir things up, just to keep yourself happy. You are also rather intolerant of mistakes and don't have patience for weakness or failings in others. And sometimes, you can be quite a snob as well, you like to be seen at the right places or wear the right clothes. And you're also prone to bossiness. Your restless nature may make you quit a project suddenly if you can't sustain the interest.

Advice: Get off your high horse and pay your dues before people will accept you. Learn to be more tolerant of others and try to see the other person's side of the story. If you believe in what you do, you can move mountains.


Taurus (Apr 21 - May 20) (mich ;D)
You are stubborn and like to hold on to things, not wanting to let go of anything or anyone. You are slow to anger, but when you do get worked up to a rage - everyone step aside! You also have a selfish streak and can be quite sneaky as well. And although people may see you as helpful and agreeable, you sometimes have an inner struggle wanting the approval of others while sticking to your own opinions. You also tend to be suspicious of others and question their motives.

Advice: Stop being mean and try to be nice. Learn to forgive and let go of your past disappointments. Learn from your mistakes and have faith in yourself and others as well.


Gemini (May 21 - Jun 21) (brother/boyfriend ;D)
Your devil-may-care attitude sometimes could bringharm to yourself - you tend to live on the edge sometimes. Many of you believe that you don't deserve success, somehow feeling guilty for it.You may give others too much of yourself sometimes that you lose yourself. You may be prone to suppressing emotions as well. And at times that makes it difficult for you to accept affection and love.

Advice: Work at listening to others and don't be tempted to try dare devil stunts all the time. And try doing something for yourself and once in a while, in between, doing favors for others. You're human, after all.


Cancer (Jun 22 - Jul 22) (me!!!)
You can get carried away with emotions - your anger is overwhelming and your sadness can depress all those around you. You're also ultra-sensitive to other people's emotions and are affected by these as well. You tend to react before you think and then brood about what you may have done or said wrong. You are also prone to periods of morbidity, thinking dark thoughts. Feelings of insecurity creep in now and then, making you snappish or else you try to win the approval of everyone at your expense.

Advice: Accept that you are hypersensitive to emotions and work with yours. Go with the flow and by doing the right thing, you set an example for others. Work with others and this will help build your confidence and open you up.


Leo (Jul 23 - Aug 22) (wanwin ;D)
On the rare occasion you lose your temper, you can turn into a savage beast. You seem to need an audience as well, to help boost your confidence and ego, sometimes. Other times, you get caught up in the outward dramas of your life that you neglect what you're feeling inside. This results in a delayed reaction when emotions sneak up on you and you get hit with a whammy. You also tend to be proud and aggressive, cloaking these with your charm. When things don't go your way, you get impatient and may even throw a tantrum.

Advice: Learn to spend some time alone with yourself and get to know yourself better. And learn to experience your emotions at the moment, don't store them up for another time. And know that not all means justify the ends.


Virgo (Aug 23 - Sep 22) (raes ;D)
You have a martyr complex, feeling that you were put on this earth to do good work and not receive any credit for it. You tend to be ultracritical of yourself and others and you also worry about things that are beyond your control. A little pessimistic sometimes,you tend to be an intellectual snob. You bottle up all your insecurities and fears, and hesitate to reach out for help. And once in a while, you become a busybody - that's when you also feelresponsible for other people's problems.

Advice: Modesty has its own limits - take credit for your efforts. Give yourself a break and know that you do not have to be successful in everything you do. Keep focused and don't get tangled in other people's affairs too often.


Libra (Sep 23 - Oct 23) (can't think of anyone atm)
Your inability to reach a decision in matters of personal action are legendary. You like to weigh all the alternatives and hear every side of an argument but this may take time and opportunities may pass you by because of it. You also like to expand energy on people who may not deserve it - You want to help the underdog. You are also sensitive to criticism and may take mild statements of fact very personally.

Advice: Follow your instincts and act on them - stop sitting on fences. Don't blindly trust people, learn to be a little more discriminating in your offers of help. Learn to think for yourself and don't be swayed by persuasive tongues.


Scorpio (Oct 24 - Nov 21) (ALWIN OMG)
You have a revengeful streak and a long memory for past hurts. Sometimes you're downright spiteful. When you suffer, you make sure others suffer along with you. Sometimes, you may even use deception to get what you want and to influence others to stay out of your way. You may even believe these untruths and unrealistic fears will grow on you. Once in a while, you may come across someone that just rubs you on the wrong side for no apparent reason and you make it your mission to bury him or her.

Advice: Fight the negative emotions that arise in you, and resentment will not sour your life. Don't' give into temptation to tell lies, learn to conquer your strong tendency towards revenge and things will fall into place for you.


Sagittarius (Leonard ;D)

You've got a big mouth and unwittingly hurt an insult people with it. You can even go to utter strangers and give unsolicited advice and comments. You also seem to enjoy verbal duels with others whenever you can. And you sure can make sore losers, even suspecting foul play if things don't go your way. You have a knack for confrontation and you can't resist being sarcastic. You also don't think too much of many people, because you have a mild superiority complex. Vanity is also a trait in many of you.

Advice: Learn with whom you can be frank otherwise keep your comments to yourself. Discretion is the better part of valour. Curb your cockiness, and you can combine it with your concern for serious issues, aiding in your search for truth.


Capricorn (Dec 22 - Jan 19) (Can't think of anyone atm)
You are rather materialistic and it is fueled by your fears of financial disaster. This makes you complain about monetary woes, irritating many with your obnoxious attitude. You can also be a social climber, manipulating your way up the ladder; name-dropping all the way to the top. Once in a while, you'll have morbid thoughts about Death, something that scares you because you have no control over it. You tend to be obsessive about your mortality sometimes.

Advice: Stop worrying about losing money, and you'd rid yourself of unfounded nightmares. Stop manipulating others and you'll be free to concentrate on attaining your goals. Get rid of your phobias and you'll be able to relax more and enjoy yourself.


Aquarius (Jan 20 - Feb 18) (Terence ;D)
You tend to be too idealistic and naive sometimes. Practicality gets thrown out of the window by you many times. Cool and aloof, you rarely want to deal with deep emotions. You like to give advice but don't like to receive it. And ideas and inspirations that you sometimes neglect or follow through with them are constantly bombarding you. Or else you are constantly shifting focus, giving people the idea that you are a flake with no staying power.

Advice: Take time to explore your private feelings. Not all people see things your way. And just because you come up with ideas, don't expect other people to do all the work for you. Learn to trust people and accept advice.


Pisces (Feb 19 - Mar 20) (Sherrie RIP)
You are an escapist - you have this knack of avoiding issues if they seem unpleasant. You delve into past memories to escape your present woes. There is also a tendency towards alcoholism and even drug abuse - you are on a search for some kind of 'high'. You also love to flirt and too much of it may send the wrong, dangerous signals out to other people. Once in a while, a dark mood will descend on you and you become rather unsociable and withdrawn.

Advice: Trust your instincts, but also be in control of your perceptions. Whenever the escapist tendency hits you, join a seminar or get a pep talk from a friend to get your perspective right.


I am so goddamn nice for forgoing my yummy beach rd prawn noodles and deleting all the >>> to faciliate your reading thus enhancing your pleasure button. Gimme a holla if you think it's freakishly accurate :D I gave one name I felt most ept for that horoscope lol.

; garden echoes

I should just bundle up all cocoon like and hibernate, since every time I step outta my door means bidding farewell to two crisp blue notes. I am a doing-nothing allowance begger after all, getting a meagre amount of half a grand a month.

My cousin has been giving very non-subtle hints, no I toned it down, she is actually blatently asking for a birthday gift. Haha. Since she got me a nice River Island wallet on mine, I'm reciprocating with a Guess one on hers (no I'm not so thoughtful as you might have guessed, she asked for it la hahaha)

Had dinner with Munwei yesterday. He's kinda cute and funny. Poor guy, at least he's getting weary of the bitch like he should.

The boyfriend amused me no end when I found the receipt of some 280bucks dinner we had a month or so ago. He wants to LAMINATE it, which made me burst into hearty guffaws unladylike as it might be. What a miser. I guess I should forget about the French restaurant Rei suggested.

; fucker

My fucking boyfriend Low Chee Wee is the biggest jerk in the history of mankind and I goddamn hope the infamous Tekong Hantu gets him in camp.

KNNB CCB. Can't stand his fucking nonsense.

Cheat and cheat. His penis should rot and he should just be an enunch for the rest of his life. I'll cut it off if that Ghostie doesn't do the job. FUCK LA. DAMN PISSED.

No. Best he gets Aids and die man. I don't care whether his one nighter was before I even knew him. Nobody forced him to fuck a fucking slut who screws around like nobody's business anyway. DIE JUST DIE.

; crybaby

Well, my computer just died on me last night and I've no fucking idea why. It just blacked out right outta the blue and when I restarted it there was this whole list of virus-es! 55 of them! And my internet connection was down (probably the virus) so I couldn't get any antivirus software and I'd to manually delete the trojans etc from my computer.

Which didn't help very much, 14 bugs were left (couldn't be deleted for some reason or other) and now my PC's stuck at the windows xp page. Bummer.

Before it got totally off though I realised that my firefox homepage was changed to some porn web. Now who's being surfing porn on MY computer I'd like to know? Sigh. Anyway, I've been hinting to my Mom that I'm in need of a new one for the past few weeks, but they're way too busy to get me one, that's for sure.

Went to Cine yesterday. You really gotta applaud my self discipline. I was on my 2nd day of dieting after gorging and snacking like a monster for the past few months and Ww ordered what, a fudge cake, really yummy looking wings and thick fries just the way I liked them at NYDC, and nope I didn't touch a single thing! I stuck to my fags and my ice peach tea, which sucked like hell but was probably the least fattening thing on the menu.

Poltergay was a hilariously dumb Movie. Secret was intriguing, must watch but I'm a Jay fan so I might be a little biased, if you get my drift. Rush Hour 3's okay for laughs. 881 crappy, in my opinion, though one of the lead (small papaya) belongs to the same sect as me. Sect lol. Ratatouile is LOVE LOVE LOVE. I hate those nasty furry little things with weird legs and long tail but the movie almost ALMOST I said changed my mind.

It was kinda funny yesterday. I saw Vic first, then Ww saw Terry (Vic's friend as well) and then we saw Bernice (Terry's friend) Isn't that weird? Lol. But I gotta say it's still a terribly sad thing for Cine to be so.. twit infested. Sorry couldn't help ranting about that, I know it's getting old.

Pft. I shall go play my Joan of Arc on the PSP for now since I can't use my computer. Later.

; his room

Time, will never ever be on hiatus. That's what makes life's so difficult.

Quite a statement, isn't it? A simple line so effectively surpassing the not so good ol' cliche 'The world never stops revolving.'

Everywhere, every second, that skinny hand races on the clock's stern facade, inexorably to allow that old crone, one of the Fates to snip our life thread off with her merciless shears.

If I could, I would make time come to a stop.

Everyone, everything; freeze.

I just want to breathe, and stare at the sky. Is it still the brilliant azure in the day, the comforting navy canvass in the night? I don't remember anymore.

; pppppppfffffffftttttttttttttttt

My headache's a bitch. Isn't that usual for you, you say. Nope! I haven't had one in the longest time ever and now it's back, two consecutive days!

The evils of PSP.. I'm so hopelessly addicted to Brave New Traveler. I've already completed Bomberman (about 100 stages!) and Virtual Tennis. Heehee I'm becoming such a geek.

I don't wanna go overseas no more. I wanna get a diploma here and 2k (at least) a month and help my parents set up shop after shop and become a Sheng Shiong success story. So people like Bernice who go WAH Sheng Shiong son in my school leh! Must go see! will be all WAH YI YUN boss in my school leh! Must go see!

HAHA.

I've gotta look after the brats at home anyway. And I suddenly, didn't want to be a psychologist anymore. Quite a shock to be frank, I've cherished the dream since I was 13 and capable of rational thought. (when I was 7 - 12 I wanted to be a vet, and I wanted to go for surgery so I could be a MAN)

I'll get some diploma here and then hopefully head over to Wharton's in Penni. and be some hot business woman complete with cool hair powersuit sexy patent heels.

Oh what am I ranting about. I'm going back to my game.

Later.

; gran's ramblings

I absolutely abhor the days when my BF gets to book out, and he can't get a call to me beforehand.

Meaning I'll have to put everything on hold and wait anxiously. I loathe having to wait mindlessly. It stresses me out so major.

On a lighter note, Eclipse wasn't worth all the hype.

I got it a few days ago at Kino, and the guy was so amused when I rushed up the counter, panting, grabbed the Eclipse on the counter and inquired breathlessly whether it was up for sale.

'You can take that copy, if you like.'

'OH THANK GOD! THANK YOU SO MUCH!'

And he started chuckling to my face!

The fanmade videos on Youtube on awesome though. I love how they used clips from the most wanted to play the roles from other movies and make them into a trailer befitting of the book.

HENRY CAVILL MY LOVE.

; the corleone family

I don't know what's wrong with my family.

My brother - demands $150 a week, spends it in 3 days, attempts to get more all the time; earns $1400 a month, stops the girl he's dating from working and gives her $400/month; comes home at 6am in the morning, banged open my door and turned on the light without any consideration.

My cousin - expects me to cover for her wanting to sneak out to her bf's place, took my key back from where it was, my brother's friend place, AND DIDN'T TELL ME. For fuck's sake. When I asked her she had the audacity to be irritable and say 'I went to get it for you okay' like please I didn't ask you. And when I said very sarcastically for yourself or for me she went WHAT LA. Please leh. If you didn't want to sneak off to your bf's place, would you bother about my key? And who will be responsible for any mishap that might happen?

Nonsense.

; honour and passion

I will go cliff diving without any safety harness if I can be the proudest bagsnob ala Victoria Beckham and own a Pink Ostrich Birkin.

Okay I'm cheating. I want to go cliff diving anyway.

I'll give up uh.. one year of my life. NO JOKE.

; close to you

I am hurting.

; thundering rain

Boyfriend had a four day weekend, and yes, we spent it stuck on the hips, superglue alike. Does that excuse my presence?

But what can I say, a leopard will never change its spots, or the cruder hokkien translation - a dog can never change it's habit of eating stools (wonder where that came about, my dog avoids her stools like rats run from cats)

Anyway, that's that. When you get too used to something, you eventually become numb and so immune it doesn't really even hurt that much anymore.

So. I have to stop this bag obsession now that I have near a grand of my hands. Must not forfeit the necessities for a WANT. Please get out of my mind, Azur Speedy, Azur Saleya, Miumiu Bow Satchel.

My face which really cleared up for a few months now strikes back. Little zits and HUGE pores. Oh the horror. Must remember to get my ampoule, my whitening magic stick and Lim Kah Beng.

What else do I need. Tinted sunblock check. Lipgloss check. Mascara check.

Okay pressed powder next. Lengthening mascara next. Eyebrow powder next.

I must stop favouring YSL and Dior and this whole brand conscious-ness and stick to good old drugstore brands which might be just as good.

I just had a haircut for 70 bucks and EVERYONE - BOYFRIEND BOYFRIEND'S MOM MAID DAD nobody realised had my hair cut. DAMN.

Hopefully the semi 3d hair color can be seen la. An extremely matt brown which appears a whole bunch lighter under the light. 65 ONLY LOH HEHEHE. I have great bargaining skills. No choice, darker colors make one seems fairer mah. And since I'm not as fair as a ghost I'll have to cheat.

This post is so whiny.

Did you know we're only getting Stephenie Meyer's on the 17th. THE HORROR. 10 days after release. Bloody Singapore. I was considering shipping but priority shipping 2 - 4 days costs like USD $40 like wtf. -_-

; moment of truth

Got quite a fantastic hoard of indie from Hanlong.

I'm bored, and I feel so alone.

There, I've admitted it, anyone wanna rub it in, feel free yo.

; when you're gone

My brains are screaming silent in my head, urging for a time out but the eyes just refuse to remain shut. For the past 48 hours, I've slept for 4 hours. No thanks to my cousin, I finally fell asleep at 4++ am last night/morning but she woke me up break of dawn when she was getting ready for school. She didn't make any noise but I do think she should be more considerate and use the bed lamp, she knows how light a sleeper I am, the fluorescent lights and wham bam I'm up. Mental note to remind her not to do it tomorrow.

My MSN is jamming up every two seconds. Extremely annoying. Thank god for the laptop.

My friend's boyfriend broke up with her. A two year relationship, three year friendship before eventually getting together and he ended it via sms for no good reason. Everything was going fine and dandy. Just because he entered NS. And he said stuff about her finding someone better and all. She's heading for Uni soon so I guess I comprende his insecurity but really. Why count your chickens before they hatch? I'm keeping my fingers crossed it IS due to his paranoia and not another girl out there or something.

Really disturbing la. I hate the boyfriend doesn't get any funny ideas. I haven't talked to him for four days now, longest yet since we starting dating back late August.


I always needed time on my own. I never thought I need you there when I cry. And the days feel like years when I'm alone. And the bed where you lie is made up on your side. When you walk away I count the steps that you take. Do you see how much I need you right now?

When you're gone the pieces of my heart are missing you. When you're gone the face I came to know is missing too. When you're gone the words I need to hear to always get me through the day and make it okay. I miss you.

I never felt this way before. Everything that I do reminds me of you. And the clothes you left they lie on the floor. They smell just like you I love the things that you do. When you walk away I count the steps that you take. Do you see how much I need you right now?

We were made for each other out here forever I know we were. All I ever wanted was for you to do, everything I do I give my heart and soul. I can hardly breathe I need you here with me.

Great track, even though it's Avril Lavigne.

; my immortal

So the lion fell in love with the lamb.

When life offers you a dream so far beyond any of your expectations, it is not reasonable to grieve when it comes to an end.

Not enamoured to, but remember cos it might save you alot of future pain.


2 days to Eclipse.
3 days to Bf book out.

; i promise

Can whoever is visiting from direct linking of my former blog myprivatepain please tell me who you are?

Add me on MSN at joviee@gmail.com.

Thanks in advance.

; tonight

I sing,

tonight I'm falling and I can't get up.

Cigarette in hand, FM Static (my newfound love) on the speakers.

This fresh state of emptiness haunting is alarming. I usually feel down, and I attribute it to the depression I've been fighting a losing battle with on and off for the past four years. Switched from Fluoxetine to Amitrip last month, and I must say the drug is more effective than the former, only it makes me sleep more hours but considering how little I sleep on a typical day it is an agreeable change.

I've stopped taking it for the past week, I need to allow myself to feel without doping my brain all the time. It's making me stupider than I am.

Returning to my former train of thought. I don't feel sad. I just feel.. bored. Frustrated, restless, yet so mellow I'm almost comatose. Everyone and everything is boring the hell outta me.

Eclipse is the only bright spot. But I'm fearing for my sanity once I'm over and done with it. What do I do now?

I suppose I do need friends after all. Humans can never live in isolation, though I am doing a brilliant job if I do say so myself so far.

Now, now, don't go snickering or muttering it's my own fault. Certainly, to a certain extent the blame is mine, but not completely. I just enjoy the peace of solitude.

Oh imagine the hypocrisy, the callousness of human nature everyone else has to live with. I thank God most sincerely I'm exempted from that. But at least everyone else is living, which is more than I can say for myself.

I'm being conflicting, aren't I?

I know, I'm confusing myself too.

Alwin's heading to army in 40 days. Not that it's my business. Chong Bin's in the army too. Both of them belongs to three, or four years ago.

; crazy mary

For those who don't know already, my brother's absconded from the Home.

It's been almost two weeks already. Poor boy. My parents don't approve of course, so he's earning his own dough out there and occasionally living with a friend, whose name I won't mention for fear of him being charged of harboring a, technically, fugitive.

I don't think I should even be blogging this right now but I can't help it. I will burst if I can't exclaim my brother's narrow squeak today.

After KTV, a bunch of them were smoking and my brother caught sight of a police car. Walked away swiftly, the others refused cos they apparently didn't see anything or other. Policeman and woman I think ran out and told him to stop. He ran. Ran ran ran. Got on a cab. The driver was not blind to his anxiety. Instead of speeding off he wasted time with questions and drove slowly. Another police car sped up. He got outta the car. The police caught hold of him. He punched the guy and pushed the woman, and ran. 'Assault! Backup!' on the communicators. Ran and ran.

So tv drama right?

Of course I'm not in favor of him not returning back to the Home when he's two steps away from moving to Block D (from E, the worst boys' block) and allowed to go to school on weekdays, and come home most weekends. But I don't want him caught either.

So I'll do anything and everything in my power to help.

And I was complaining of a boring night at home. -.-

; flight

NO. NO. NO. NO. NO.

No.

I will not spoil Eclipse for myself. I will wait faithfully until the 7th or even 8th of August till the book rests safely in my hands before I begin my reading.

Oh Edward! A mere four days stand between us now!

; kinship

Alwin replied. :D

; when you're gone.

I always needed time on my own,
I never thought I'd need you there when I cry.

And the days feel like years when I'm alone,
And the bed where you lie is made up on your side.

When you walk away, I count the steps that you take.
Do you see how much I need you right now?

When you're gone, the pieces of my heart are missing you,
When you're gone, the face I came to know is missing too.
When you're gone, all the words I need to hear to always get me through the day, and make it okay,

I miss you.

I've never felt this way before, everything that I do, reminds me of you.
And the clothes you left, they lie on my floor, they smell just like you.
I love the things that you do.

We were made for each other, out here forever,
I know we were.

All I ever wanted was for you to know, everything I do I give my heart and soul.
I can hardly breathe, I need to feel you here with me.

; new moon

My life was like a moonless night. Very dark, but there were stars - points of light and reason. Then you shot across my sky like a meteor. Suddenly everything was on fire; there was brilliance and beauty. When you were gone, the meteor had fallen over the horizon, everything went black. Nothing had changed, but my eyes were blinded by the light, I couldn't see the stars anymore.

; not the one

Too much reading and PSP is so mentally exhausting, it's cracking up my physical too.

Until Eclipse finally hit the stores, forgive me, I'm gonna be a little too distracted to write.

In the meantime, why don't you do some reading too?

Sense and Sensibility is a wonderful way to start the engine. Not to mention the ubiquitous Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows.

; scars

Wah lao.

I can't even view random people without stumbling upon. (some unknown sent me a message so I clicked his profile, and spotted a pretty unknown commenting 'u r?' on his comments, so I sniggered and checked out her profile and lo and behold I see her kissing my ex boyfriend)

I forgot to mention, a chance meeting with a new acquaintance, no I should say, friend, raked up sweet, yet painful memories that made me dig out my August? archives to engulf myself in what could have been, but can never be.

Oh what am I ranting about. I love my boyfriend, almost like how Bella loves Edward. I love Edward too. EDWARD CULLEN WHY CAN'T YOU EXIST!

; tell me where it hurts

I haven't heard a song I didn't already knew in ages. Just a random thought.

I've finished New Moon, been procrastinating for a month or two after the very awesome Twilight, probably because I read the blurb and I wasn't thrilled though I know it's gonna turn out wonderful and I will buy it eventually anyway. I'm weird when it comes to reading books, you can see all the traces of the perfectionist I've worked so hard to erase. AND I tend to feel too passionately and personally towards the characters, some parts I hate to have to read cos.. I don't know how and I'm too lazy to figure how to explain it right now.

Can't wait for the next book coming out say Sept, I think?

A hot shower works wonders, before my eyes were literally glazing over the screen and I couldn't even finish three puffs without stubbing it out but now I'm blogging!

Have I mentioned my latest fascination? JEANS. Yeah the bag craze is so over. I've never liked switching the contents of my bags here and there, too much of a hassle. But of course, no complains if you'll like to be a sweetheart and get me an early christmas gift ^^.

Raw jeans. Cult jeans.

I'm going with raw. What about you?

; young and dangerous 2

Now that everything's fine and dandy, I got a bone to pick with the unknowns.

Rather than speaking so much behind a false name, why don't you develop the courage, and send me a message through Friendster, so I can know exactly who you are? Cowards really.

But it's amusing to know that I am so intimidating. :D

The boyfriend's booking out tomorrow!

YAY YAY YAY!

Can't wait can't wait can't wait.

; the call

I'm half ashamed to admit how such an nonsensical issue is livening up my days, making me suck most gleefully on the fags whilst I chortle up self proclaimed witty replies, with the additional knowledge that I'm wasting other people's time and making them boil. Haha!

I wish Ww and Cw could see this. She'll be laughing her head off as well.

To a few friends who have kindly suggested deleting flamers' comments off my tagboard, oh you know I'll never do that. I can never resist the urge to fathom how people with inferior intellect work their less capable minds.

The world's my ashtray. So lemme waste a few more mins flicking ash.

Okay, I see that whoa whoa whoa, the 'victim''s sister and sister's friend/boyfriend/whatever are standing up for their poor child. Wanna ask your mother to give me a call while you're at it? I would love to be presented gift-wrapped the chance to tell her how your precious is traumatizing my cousin and disturbing her with annoying messages when she was trying to study. Note, YOUR SISTER started sending my cousin messages. Why couldn't she have well left her alone, so all these needn't have happened?

And 'defenders' of JL, please get your strategy straight. One moment, I'm an outsider cos I'm not from your class, and not involved in class matters? Okay I'm an outsider! So why are MORE outsiders coming out to make noise? You can't have the best of both worlds, so choose one lah. Rather than making yourselves look stupid

And 'Darren', you're making me cringe with your imbecility. Like Dylan so astutely pointed out, you've been visiting hookers I see, thus you're so familiar with them? Oh no why did we expose your lil secret? Poor 'Vonne' is gonna cry her eyes out.

100 points for Dylan! and 200 to Michie!

Like what she kept repeating, this is MY BLOG. MY SPACE. I registered this on blogspot.com, and I can do what I like with it. Posting my pictures up indeed. That's up to me, no? If you guys are so unhappy, find an outlet to release your anger by all means, go bang your fists on the wall or go jump off a building or something. That's your problem. I honestly don't give a flying fuck if you're so frustrated you choose to cut yourself or commit suicide or something.

NOTE, when I was so upset by what your sister did to my cousin, I BLOGGED IT ON MY BLOG, HURTING AND DISTURBING NO ONE. Who asked you to read? Nobody! If you can't take reality, don't surf the net. But you, like the childish dimwits you are, can't find an alternative to express anger besides DISTURBING MY PEACE? You're lucky I don't mind cos you're such entertainment. More interesting cos you're dumber than the Tom & Jerry cartoons I laugh over.

I already stated clearly in my blog. Wanna play law? Keep saying wanna sue here sue there, CALL A LAWYER AND SEND A LETTER. Wanna play underground? Call your little friends out. I would love to repeat the three calls, 100 people at Cine stunt. But now I've grown up lah so I might just call police. LOL.

Yawnsie. Nothing else to.. EH WAIT.

Don't ask my friend whether she 'GET IT' or not please. My friend is brilliance itself. A third year NP student with a 12 point O level score. You're so beneath her, so don't try being condescending.

And your hopelessly idiocy seeing your misconception that people have to look BETTER than others to give their two cents? Grow up. Why then, do people say stuff like 'Fann Wong pretty meh! Yucks!' or 'Eeee Miss Singapore so ugly!' when they themselves are not celebrities or anything close? People are entitled to opinions, in case you didn't know.

I'm sure you've learned so much from this enlightening blog post. Don't go making the same mistakes again, it's a complete disgrace.

Like Einstein said, great minds will always encounter opposition from the mediocre. Which, translated in words you will understand means stupid people will always make hell lot of a noise to disrupt the peace.

Go on flaming, I'll be glad to teach you guys more. BRING IT ON!

; channel 65

Stupid people.

Stupid BF.

The two bright spots of today?

I finally got my Lancome self proclaimed MAGIC STICK. Retailing at $155, 30 ml but I bought the 10 ml in sample form at $15! Great deal eh? Anyone else who uses Clinique, Clarins, Estee Lauder, Dior and a few others I can't remember, can ask me where to get these great buys!

AND. I know it's my fault la, sticking with Cw 24/7, as well as being an antisocial mountain tortoise, but TODAY..

I gotta admit, I haven't seen such a healthy, YUMMY specimen of the male species in a long long time. Daniel Wu look-alike, no joke. HOTNESS I tell you. Stakeout location, DFS Louis Vuitton. I was whining to my cousin that I can't possibly go there on pretense of buying stuff everyday to see him! Why can't he work at Guess or something.. =( =( =(

I swear lah! Mich go see!!!

; annonying brats

Hello kids, I'm so glad you discovered my blog.

At least 10 different children reading I see.

This is so hilarious. A bunch of silly children THREATENING to sue me. Well, if you're so high and mighty, why don't you have the balls to leave your name? If you're so unhappy, by all means, do something about it.

Wanna do it law by law, wanna play it underground, no problem yo. I'm more than willing to entertain you.

Understand that I have no idea who you people are, and I don't deny I was making a personal attack to JL but please. She reduced my cousin to a huddling mass of tears for no less than THREE hours. How do you think I feel? Seeing my cousin crying so hard? Why should I let it go? Addition to that, I was furious about her nasty crack on Malays.

Mind, I didn't even call JL up and yell at her, I was merely writing in my blog, expressing how I feel. MY blog. I'm free to write whatever I want. Of course, you can sue me for libel if you want, lets see how far you can go. (:

And speaking of sue-ing, I can just as easily sue your darling JL for making that racist statement towards Malays. See what happens to someone who makes derogatory comments about another race in Singapore.

; channel 8

I thought it was getting easier but NO.

Prolly cos we've been texting during all his free times the last couple of days but today, he only had the early morning to spare.

It's been more than 12 hours and I miss my Baby so.

; shoutouts to the bitch

I've always placed my Blood before anything else. So here I am, addressing the grievances of my Cousin dearest, whom to me is as good as my very own younger sister.

This is the tale of a nasty little girl, lost in her pathetic illusions, imagining herself to be the Princess of HongKah Secondary. Never heard of it, you say? I'm not surprised. It's a school with a most hideous turquoise uniform. But never mind the garments. My point is, this brat named JL is not unlike a frog in the well, yknow?

With a calibre like hers (I would post a picture, but I'm looking forward to a bowl of noodles later and I don't wanna ruin my appetite, just imagine - short, black, and a most queerly cheena distorted face and she poses like those aHlIanX wOrx, with bIgBig eYes and nO mOutH) - she thinks she's gonna be prom queen. Oh the horror. Simply because most of the school's blind enough to proclaim her 'School Belle' (excuse me while I gag), but please. I was aching to wave a picture of my prom queen, Vera. Let you readers enjoy a game of Spot the Difference. One resembling a fairy princess, another a ghastly toad.

And hello, kid, what the hell did you mean when you told my cousin to brush up on her intonation? Talk about pot calling the kettle black. I gotta admit my cuz doesn't have the best english ever, but please lah! My goodness you'll wake Shakespeare from his grave, your English's so outrageously lousy. There's no other word for it. I'm not even going to bring up your SINGLISH, which, is perfectly fine in a 40 year old auntie selling fish in the market but not in an educated student like yourself. I'm too lazy to correct her too many mistakes. One example would be more than adequate; 'Gain pityness.' What the fuck! Pityness? Did you learn that from the Bangla? Pity, PITY for fuck's sake.

'I use a g0od t0ne kay. D0nn who ask for quarrel. U think u tall u matured.' - Eh? You think you're using an audio message? My cousin's supposed to detect your 'good tone?' You're the one texting my cousin. Be thankful she deigned to waste her message on you, monstrosity of a girl. And let me tell you, yeah, being tall doesn't make a person mature, IT'S MATURE WITHOUT THE FUCKING D BTW, neither does being a SHORTIE make you princess of the world.

You're better than my cousin? Why shouldn't my cousin leave your 'cliques' WITHOUT THE S AGAIN LITTLE GIRL. If I have to see your fucking face everyday I might die a good five years before my time. You're the one who think you're right all the time. Spoilt, self-centered brat. And I highly doubt your time is precious, since you have so much time, you can come round attacking my cousin outta the blue. Why? Boyfriend found you too much like a toad, both in looks and character, so you needa take it out on my cousin? Your poor boyfriend.. my deepest condolences to him.

You have no respect for other religions at all. Asking Malays to eat pork indeed. I wonder how my muslim friends will take it. And being mature doesn't mean girls needn't be careful of guys. Once again, you're demonstrating your utter infantility (which means childishness) Ladies should always be careful of guys, much less muslim women, who are forbidden by religion to sleep in the same room with the male gender. Does respect mean anything to you, fuckface?

It's only polite to look at someone in the face when the person is talking. Rude child. Why don't you go back to Mummy and drink some milk and at the same time, learn some manners?

I won't go into details about the chalet, cos I'm tired of wasting my time blogging on this bitch fart.

I don't usually make personal attacks on individuals, I tend to get a tad too hurtful, but you started the cheap shots on my cousin first, so you deserve them. Stupid girl. Slutshit. Disgusting pussyface. You disgust me. And I'm waiting for the day your true colors will be revealed.

LASTNOTE: I, JOVINA, WROTE THIS POST ENTIRELY. ANYONE GOT AN ISSUE, COME TO ME DIRECT. LEAVE MY COUSIN ALONE, LITTLE COWARD :D

and I can't help but say this. What? 15 dollars also can't come up with? Fucking cheapskate. Damn sad I tell you. But kinda obvious anyway. Look at your clothes. Pasar Malam bought? Look at your hair. Too poor to cut? Haha. Poor thing. Tsk, tsk.

; rainbow haven

The pills were never a mistake.

I'm so weak, that all I can do is swallow one everytime I need to dull my brain.

It's scientifically proven that it is, technically impossible to die from heartbreak, but it sure feels this way right now. But that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt.

It will always be the one we love, who hurt us the most.

The mother's brilliant, for hiding the knives. But she can't stop the pain. No one can.

; hey there delilah

It's pathetic I tell you.

No wonder I hear the radios blaring Hey There Delilah these days. I couldn't believe my ears. What, after 3 years? A little slow aren't you?

Just like My Chemical Romance. Years after I'm Not Okay and The Ghost of You were first discovered by us 'online geeks' who seek to discover new wonders through technology, RADIO came along and POOF!

MCR fucking sold out and now they're like some desperate band catering to emo wannabees or young punks.

So now it's Plain White T's turn. If I hear another person going Oooh I love PWT's again I'm gonna hurl. And murder if anyone tries hitting on my A Lonely September.

You just wait. I'm not being selfish. But bands that hit mainstream always become so Top40. Blah. Just wait and see.

; channel 62

Yes, I know it can be frustrating when the BF is trying to be nice and please me, and all I do is question his motives.

It's just as frustrating when I'm playing the faithful girlfriend role dutifully, keeping the perfunctory distance from guys and still have to harbor doubts on the BF's fidelity.

All these boils down to trust.

And lets face it, you can never mend a piece of broken glass, the cracks will always be there. It was never my fault, it was his - and I feel the least he can do is assure, and assure cos that's what I need.

A little bit goes a long long way.

; i write sins not tragedies

So I'm ashamed of myself for being so terribly.. difficult with the boyfriend despite the mere 15 - 20 minutes we can talk every 24 hours.

But I can't help it.

He's been taking it well though. Sigh.

; invisible wings

The good, the bad, which first?

The good news is that though I couldn't help crying and berating the boyfriend for not calling me earlier and only once a day, he took it all very well, and was so sweet he almost made me burst into tears again. It's also wonderful to hear that his platoon mates are he said and I quote, 'not bad' people. I'm keeping my fingers crossed they won't be anything like the motherfuckers of the past.

Absence makes the heart fonder so they say, but I think it applies mostly towards people you can do without, difficult though it might be. Not me. I mean it does make my heart 'fonder' but then I can't love him anymore than I already do so fonder is technically a no go.

But it does make me cherish the little time we have more, no more senseless quarrels and nonsensical fights. And I think we're kinder to each other. I should really stop starving myself and then binge after his phone call (which produces endorphins for like, 2 hours or so) cos it isn't healthy at all. It's making me feel constipated. But I digressed,

the Bad,

This won't be the only two weeks without. After booking out for a miserly Friday Saturday he's gotta return on Sunday. AND THEN TWO WEEKS AGAIN. My god. The boyfriend's WAY happy about it though, cos he can do his field camp before the lunar seventh month. *rolls eyes. The BF-Mom and I can never understand why he's so cool with everything but the supernatural which would be one of the last things on my mind. I mean, I'm so not panicking about him getting lifted away by a ghostie (I'm touching wood now though).

I need a NS-Boyfriend Girlfriend Support Group. Anyone?

I seriously don't understand the cliche 'leaving your NS boyfriend for a Uni/whatever guy cliche'. Maybe I'm weird or hopelessly devoted or something. But I'm hesitating to even respond to a platonic male friend's invite to hang cos I wasn't sure what the boyfriend would feel about it. I'm sucha wonderful girlfriend, really.

Still.. this whole meeting once a week for the rest of two years is getting me so down. And the BF I think is hoping for Sispec. OCS, even. I'm secretly hoping he'll develop Erik type asthma, is that evil of me? Whoops.

; bu neng shuo de mi mi

It's 5:05am now. He'll be awake in 25 mins, camp protocol.

Ahpui just popped by with a couple of ex huayi-ians i can faintly recognised, managed to sell off the pack of Reds I bought on impulse at Geylang with the BF, tempted by the cheap price. Ever since my Mom provides me with an approximate 3 packs a week, I find it silly to be buying cigs when I can get them at cost price, which is almost a whole dollar lesser.

I haven't smoked so much in a long time.

My brother didn't get Home Leave this weekend, have no idea why.

And don't mind me but I'm gonna start my whinings all over again.

It's not fair that it's impossible to see, to even talk at will to the two of the four (the other two being my dad and my lil bro) most important X chromosome entities in my life.

I wish I didn't wake up at 9pm today, now I can't fall asleep and I'll be exhausted when I head off for driving school.

Can't believe I'm saying this, but I'm actually looking forward to working at my dad's new HP and calling cards shop at CCK when it finally opens at the end of this month. And I'm actually feeling too much of a downer to anticipate my final Harry Potter book which is coming out in 6 days, incidentally.

I have nothing to blog about anymore.

I feel like jumping off the building. I feel like drinking. I feel like getting high.

But I just sit in front of the comp and do nothing because I'm too much of a coward.

; canto tong hua

As if I'm not empty enough, the loneliness is eating at me, right down to the very core of my heart. Are you trying to hear the hollow beat, God? I want to meet you, to rage at you, to listen to your explanations and then finally break down sobbing in your lap, comforted by your soothing presence. But where are you? Where are you?

I'm boring everyone away, I know. Kitty, Yuanxin, Arvyn, all who conveniently lives in the West have offered their company when I need it. I'm thankful, and grateful for friends like these in dark days.

But I know me. Even when I head out, I will be nothing less than unhappy. Missing the boy every moment. Why am I so weak? I know life doesn't revolve around a relationship, however happy it is. But somehow I can't seem to overcome this tendency.

I hate this. I used to get tired of the same routine day in day out, but now banality is a source of comfort, joy even. I'm happy leading a boring life with the boy and the family, movies, food and more food, psp, gameboy, movie rentals, anime, books, forums, shopping, sleep, sex.

But now. Forums seem boring. Shopping seems meaningless. And I have no appetite. The usual symptoms. Remember how I fell ill and lost 10kg during the last breakup?

Now's the perfect time to chiong on my driving. I'm too tired to read the damn book.

I wonder if I'm suffering from the chronic fatigue syndrome. Feeling lethargic all the bloody time. I use to attribute that to depression but now I know better. Maybe it's time to get happy pills, either from the doctor, or illegally. Been really tempted to smack some K, but I'm not gonna ruin my life the juvenile way again by these "cheap" thrills.

It's embarrassing and I loathe showing weakness to the world, but bottomline, I have no friends I can call and go, 'Hey, wanna head out for a coffee or smth?' Sad, isn't it. Knowing so many and having none I can really call 'Friend'.

I'm all alone. And I'm worthless. I deserve this, I've screwed up so many times. But I never meant any harm. Maybe what my Grandma said about the fortune teller is true. I never liked disclosing it cos I don't wanna jinx anything, but damn, how much lower can I go?

'You'll have friends, plenty, and you'll treat them well but it might not necessarily be returned.'

To be fair I won't say I treat my friends all that brilliantly, but I try.