; canto tong hua

As if I'm not empty enough, the loneliness is eating at me, right down to the very core of my heart. Are you trying to hear the hollow beat, God? I want to meet you, to rage at you, to listen to your explanations and then finally break down sobbing in your lap, comforted by your soothing presence. But where are you? Where are you?

I'm boring everyone away, I know. Kitty, Yuanxin, Arvyn, all who conveniently lives in the West have offered their company when I need it. I'm thankful, and grateful for friends like these in dark days.

But I know me. Even when I head out, I will be nothing less than unhappy. Missing the boy every moment. Why am I so weak? I know life doesn't revolve around a relationship, however happy it is. But somehow I can't seem to overcome this tendency.

I hate this. I used to get tired of the same routine day in day out, but now banality is a source of comfort, joy even. I'm happy leading a boring life with the boy and the family, movies, food and more food, psp, gameboy, movie rentals, anime, books, forums, shopping, sleep, sex.

But now. Forums seem boring. Shopping seems meaningless. And I have no appetite. The usual symptoms. Remember how I fell ill and lost 10kg during the last breakup?

Now's the perfect time to chiong on my driving. I'm too tired to read the damn book.

I wonder if I'm suffering from the chronic fatigue syndrome. Feeling lethargic all the bloody time. I use to attribute that to depression but now I know better. Maybe it's time to get happy pills, either from the doctor, or illegally. Been really tempted to smack some K, but I'm not gonna ruin my life the juvenile way again by these "cheap" thrills.

It's embarrassing and I loathe showing weakness to the world, but bottomline, I have no friends I can call and go, 'Hey, wanna head out for a coffee or smth?' Sad, isn't it. Knowing so many and having none I can really call 'Friend'.

I'm all alone. And I'm worthless. I deserve this, I've screwed up so many times. But I never meant any harm. Maybe what my Grandma said about the fortune teller is true. I never liked disclosing it cos I don't wanna jinx anything, but damn, how much lower can I go?

'You'll have friends, plenty, and you'll treat them well but it might not necessarily be returned.'

To be fair I won't say I treat my friends all that brilliantly, but I try.