; tonight

I sing,

tonight I'm falling and I can't get up.

Cigarette in hand, FM Static (my newfound love) on the speakers.

This fresh state of emptiness haunting is alarming. I usually feel down, and I attribute it to the depression I've been fighting a losing battle with on and off for the past four years. Switched from Fluoxetine to Amitrip last month, and I must say the drug is more effective than the former, only it makes me sleep more hours but considering how little I sleep on a typical day it is an agreeable change.

I've stopped taking it for the past week, I need to allow myself to feel without doping my brain all the time. It's making me stupider than I am.

Returning to my former train of thought. I don't feel sad. I just feel.. bored. Frustrated, restless, yet so mellow I'm almost comatose. Everyone and everything is boring the hell outta me.

Eclipse is the only bright spot. But I'm fearing for my sanity once I'm over and done with it. What do I do now?

I suppose I do need friends after all. Humans can never live in isolation, though I am doing a brilliant job if I do say so myself so far.

Now, now, don't go snickering or muttering it's my own fault. Certainly, to a certain extent the blame is mine, but not completely. I just enjoy the peace of solitude.

Oh imagine the hypocrisy, the callousness of human nature everyone else has to live with. I thank God most sincerely I'm exempted from that. But at least everyone else is living, which is more than I can say for myself.

I'm being conflicting, aren't I?

I know, I'm confusing myself too.

Alwin's heading to army in 40 days. Not that it's my business. Chong Bin's in the army too. Both of them belongs to three, or four years ago.