; tu ran lei le

We'll never break up. :D

A pretty optimistic start to an entry, wouldn't you say, compared to the more melancholy beginnings I'm inclined towards?

Still.. I feel kinda bad being such a nasty spoiled brat. My temper's getting worst I think. I've always been a hothead, but never bad tempered and I'm not proud to admit that I can't deny I am, at least to the Bf (since he is mostly the source of it) these days.

I still am very prone to anger surges, those trembling sweating and rapid heartbeats I can't control, and I've found a healthier albeit bad form of release which is most unbecoming of a growing habit: throwing/wrecking inanimate objects. Or lashing out physically which is childish and stupid. Like punching the wall. Hitting the Bf (not very hard la). I can hardly believe I once lost control and ****ped him tight on the ****. Seeing his look of disbelief and hurt made me feel lower than the amoeba of the food chain.

Take the last hour for example. He was driving me home, and things weren't going my way, so I snapped that he forgot about supper. Minutes before he made the turn I gave a curt I'M NOT EATING ANYMORE. And after he turned I lashed out with a WTF. I WANTED TO EAT BUT YOU DON'T SO WHY CAN'T YOU EAT WITH ME INSTEAD OF WANTING ME TO EAT ALONE.

And I kept up the tirade till the poor boy dissolved into a soggy puddle of tears outta exhaustion and frustration. I'm terrible, no? I must stop justifying my behavior with a 'YOU CHEATED ON ME SO STOP SAYING SHIT' attitude. It's straining and wearing down us both.

But one point I have to make most clear. Never, ever accept nonsense eg. 'You embarrassed me when you confront people' when you're no way at fault. I shot back with a YOU WANNA TALK ABOUT EMBARRASSED? I HAVE TO TAKE PITY FROM STRANGERS ON A PHONECALL THAT MY BF IS A CHEATING SCUM AND YOU TALK ABOUT EMBARRASSED?

Okay I'm getting heated. And you probably have no idea what I'm talking about but I'm talking to myself anyway. I take pride in the fact that I never back down on my values and what I believe in, when I'm not being unreasonable of course. Which I can be, sometimes. I know he's sacrificed for my sake, and I am sorry, but you know, they say friends stick by you thick and thin.

Take Mich. Before she had Chris and I didn't meet her every weekend like we used to do, she didn't set up an operation boycott Jov shit. I can not contact her for months and she can come crying to me when Sel got into an accident, or I, her when I popped pills and wanted the comfort of her presence. And I know it'll stay this way.

Or Ww. Yeah we had verbal exchanges (very very nasty ones) on friendships but we forgave, and forget and I am very proud to see that she's eventually matured (a little la don't get your head swollen Ms I Failed To Hiong Into Club HEHEHE) and could tell me 'We've got our own lives, but it's okay, you don't have to thank me or feel sorry that you come to me in times of sorrow' and during her sobbing fit I was glad I could be there and hugged her and counselled her outta that jerk who will get his just punishment mark my words, I'm just too lazy to execute 'justice' on my own I'm waiting for Him or somebody else to do it.

Wahlao go check out Leo's profile and his pics in France and Italy. SO JEALOUS.