; endless rain

Been indulging in X Japan's haunting ballads since last night, when I decided to push my being into emo maximus by re-watching hide's funeral. That one video that ALWAYS results, almost gleefully it seems, in reducing me to helpless floods of tears.

And the reason for the low ness? It would be paragraphs otherwise so make do with;

uncertainty
dependency
frustration

A friend had left earlier this year for the foundation year of the prestigious university I hoped to enter next, should've left this Feb, or July, but I needed.. no wanted, more time.. which I question not a few times since, that it was a wrong move. I am not proud.. ashamed of the fact that I am a retainee.. I've been regretting the 'give myself one extra year to study' nonsense I insisted on despite my mother and teacher's protest that I shouldn't waste time, that a year would be adequate. Just like how I've been regretting extracting the four teeth that was deemed unnecessary.. I wanted perfection and it turned out a bite on the back. Mother knows best, after all.

Assuming I didn't waste any time, no retains, no bumming around, I would have been in a university at 18, a year ahead of the JC system in Singapore. Now, I will be half a year behind the JC batch my year. Still ahead of the poly students of course (no offense meant), but I do not like to lag.. many would not know that I am a highly competitive person..

This post sounds kinda odd.. unJov wouldn't you say? I don't know what's gotten into me too. *gives myself a shake

The main point is, my friend is living in an apartment, which I most probably will be, I do not like the idea of hostels.. with all the.. regulations. The difference is, her boyfriend is with her. Studying in a different instituition. I've never really thought of it, but now that I did.. it is a blow. Envy spawns inferiority.. If I were to be in a foreign country with a close friend, or a love(r).. what a big difference it would be! No fear, but excitement. Anxiety, even, to begin a new life..