; discovery channel

And St Francis students get worst and worst. The best time was the year before I entered, or the year before that, tons of fun and non pretentious people, but my second year, and this year has been littered disgustingly with the new 'town' clique, namely all the IJ (I've nothing against convent girls, lotsa friends actually) little miss riches, (no I'm not bitter, trust me money is something my family isn't short of) who annoys the hell outta me. Oh, and most of them are 17 this year. Or is it 16? *rolls eyes

; endless rain

Been indulging in X Japan's haunting ballads since last night, when I decided to push my being into emo maximus by re-watching hide's funeral. That one video that ALWAYS results, almost gleefully it seems, in reducing me to helpless floods of tears.

And the reason for the low ness? It would be paragraphs otherwise so make do with;

uncertainty
dependency
frustration

A friend had left earlier this year for the foundation year of the prestigious university I hoped to enter next, should've left this Feb, or July, but I needed.. no wanted, more time.. which I question not a few times since, that it was a wrong move. I am not proud.. ashamed of the fact that I am a retainee.. I've been regretting the 'give myself one extra year to study' nonsense I insisted on despite my mother and teacher's protest that I shouldn't waste time, that a year would be adequate. Just like how I've been regretting extracting the four teeth that was deemed unnecessary.. I wanted perfection and it turned out a bite on the back. Mother knows best, after all.

Assuming I didn't waste any time, no retains, no bumming around, I would have been in a university at 18, a year ahead of the JC system in Singapore. Now, I will be half a year behind the JC batch my year. Still ahead of the poly students of course (no offense meant), but I do not like to lag.. many would not know that I am a highly competitive person..

This post sounds kinda odd.. unJov wouldn't you say? I don't know what's gotten into me too. *gives myself a shake

The main point is, my friend is living in an apartment, which I most probably will be, I do not like the idea of hostels.. with all the.. regulations. The difference is, her boyfriend is with her. Studying in a different instituition. I've never really thought of it, but now that I did.. it is a blow. Envy spawns inferiority.. If I were to be in a foreign country with a close friend, or a love(r).. what a big difference it would be! No fear, but excitement. Anxiety, even, to begin a new life..

; would you be there

If I were blue, would you be there for me and whisper in my ear that's okay?
Would you stand by me, let me hold you tight,
And say you love me one more time?

If I feel good, would you slow dance with me, and touch my lips with tender loving care?
Would you die for me, would you run with me,
And never look back?

Would you be there to love, to be with me,
Would you swear that your love is always true,
Would you say that you'll always be the one
To take my breath away?

If I'm away, would you still think of me,
And wish that you could hold me now?
Would you die for me, would you run with me,
All the way?

Would you be there to save my soul tonight?
Would you swear that your love is always true,
Would you say that you'll always be there,
To kiss my pain away?

Would you be there.. for me?


I love this song. It's from the local drama Mars Vs Venus that just finished its 20epi broadcast. Yeah, I'm a sucker for channel 8 primetime television. After a few episodes I was singing along to the show and my cousin was smirking (? I have no idea why) whilst telling me 'You can sing the whole song already huh?'

; tobacco tinted musing

Did you know, if you're woken from your slumber (by irritating mothers/cousins/brothers/dogs etc) you can fall back asleep simply by lying down and 'going back to sleep'?

Okay everybody knows this. The amazing thing is, you can CONTINUE the dream you were dreaming.

I know I did.

It was a good dream, indian friend.

; tu ran lei le

We'll never break up. :D

A pretty optimistic start to an entry, wouldn't you say, compared to the more melancholy beginnings I'm inclined towards?

Still.. I feel kinda bad being such a nasty spoiled brat. My temper's getting worst I think. I've always been a hothead, but never bad tempered and I'm not proud to admit that I can't deny I am, at least to the Bf (since he is mostly the source of it) these days.

I still am very prone to anger surges, those trembling sweating and rapid heartbeats I can't control, and I've found a healthier albeit bad form of release which is most unbecoming of a growing habit: throwing/wrecking inanimate objects. Or lashing out physically which is childish and stupid. Like punching the wall. Hitting the Bf (not very hard la). I can hardly believe I once lost control and ****ped him tight on the ****. Seeing his look of disbelief and hurt made me feel lower than the amoeba of the food chain.

Take the last hour for example. He was driving me home, and things weren't going my way, so I snapped that he forgot about supper. Minutes before he made the turn I gave a curt I'M NOT EATING ANYMORE. And after he turned I lashed out with a WTF. I WANTED TO EAT BUT YOU DON'T SO WHY CAN'T YOU EAT WITH ME INSTEAD OF WANTING ME TO EAT ALONE.

And I kept up the tirade till the poor boy dissolved into a soggy puddle of tears outta exhaustion and frustration. I'm terrible, no? I must stop justifying my behavior with a 'YOU CHEATED ON ME SO STOP SAYING SHIT' attitude. It's straining and wearing down us both.

But one point I have to make most clear. Never, ever accept nonsense eg. 'You embarrassed me when you confront people' when you're no way at fault. I shot back with a YOU WANNA TALK ABOUT EMBARRASSED? I HAVE TO TAKE PITY FROM STRANGERS ON A PHONECALL THAT MY BF IS A CHEATING SCUM AND YOU TALK ABOUT EMBARRASSED?

Okay I'm getting heated. And you probably have no idea what I'm talking about but I'm talking to myself anyway. I take pride in the fact that I never back down on my values and what I believe in, when I'm not being unreasonable of course. Which I can be, sometimes. I know he's sacrificed for my sake, and I am sorry, but you know, they say friends stick by you thick and thin.

Take Mich. Before she had Chris and I didn't meet her every weekend like we used to do, she didn't set up an operation boycott Jov shit. I can not contact her for months and she can come crying to me when Sel got into an accident, or I, her when I popped pills and wanted the comfort of her presence. And I know it'll stay this way.

Or Ww. Yeah we had verbal exchanges (very very nasty ones) on friendships but we forgave, and forget and I am very proud to see that she's eventually matured (a little la don't get your head swollen Ms I Failed To Hiong Into Club HEHEHE) and could tell me 'We've got our own lives, but it's okay, you don't have to thank me or feel sorry that you come to me in times of sorrow' and during her sobbing fit I was glad I could be there and hugged her and counselled her outta that jerk who will get his just punishment mark my words, I'm just too lazy to execute 'justice' on my own I'm waiting for Him or somebody else to do it.

Wahlao go check out Leo's profile and his pics in France and Italy. SO JEALOUS.

; best baby

I've always felt resigned to the fact that the boyfriend will always turn away in the face of confrontation, leaving me to bear the brunt of whatever adversity in solitude. 'Just because I'm like this.'

I've never felt happier being proven wrong. :D

He stood up not only for me, but more importantly for himself.

You make me so proud baby, ILOVEYOUSWEETIE!

On a side note, I've been unwittingly reducing my daily nicotine intake. Which is good yet fairly alarming at the same time. Blades of Glory was a hilarious spoof of figure skating compys. Four outta Five popcorns!

; love story

I've been staring faithfully at the screen for the past 60 seconds, ignoring the orangy twings of msn discussions of how breathtaking D looked in 'Deal or No Deal' with DC, pondering how best to evoke dignity, distaste with dashes of wit and cutting sarcsm. That, Satire you know?

'It's better to face this kind of things with a sense of poise and rationality' chimes Panic! at the Disco.

Unworthy though thou art, I will cope with thee.

Ye, offspring of a mongrel bitch, avator of sly and evil incarnate, and you too, Mr PotatoHead, nosy oxbeef accomplice of the Rut, I would proclaim you two are barking up the wrong tree, but then I realised that no less, are your natural voices.

The gods too, adore a joke.

Okay this proves my exhaustion, quoting Shakespeare at this hour. But I'm certain my prose will not go unseen (no pun intended), and my time wasted, for stalkers, unwelcomed guests I'm too polite but to entertain, are lurking behind their screens. Here you go :D

Last, my sincere apologies for the misunderstanding Kenneth.

HAHA Bobo is sleeping with his lil tongue stuck half out on MY bolster - which is most conveniently against the bed, everybody go AW KAWAINEEEEEEEE!

Ja Ne!

; cola ring

Mother's day. Got her a bouquet of 7roses, I never knew baby's breath was called 'Man Tian Xing' (sky full of stars) in chinese! Sucha pretty name.

The Aunts came over in honour of Mother's day to visit the Gran. Miss those days when we all lived in Gardens, 5 minutes away from each other. I miss my Big Aunt's cooking, she was the one who brought me up from a baby to two, and my Little Aunt who spoilt me thoroughly as a kid - decked in branded gear head to toe and toys that cost hundred odds.. gosh! I'll never spend that kinda money on kiddy toys.

Didn't feel like blogging much, though I do have tons of muses to share. Haven't been singing ktv for ages, where've all the kakis gone? Only left Chris, and our 'timing's' never right, he has camp and when he doesn't, I'm with the bf =( My voice's detoriating to nothing I swear I sound like a toad these days.

I feel so hesitant about going abroad, sure it's been in the plans since years back but.. I don't know, I'm so scared of the unknown. Why couldn't I be born in the Uk or something, I mean like okay, in SG the best you can go is NUS, whereas in UK or US when you think of good it's Havard or Oxford. I've always wanted to enter Julliard.. the renowned music school but.. OH WELL.

Food for thought. You know, when I was in my early teens, and I hung out with people more than a couple of years older, I've sometimes felt that the older females were threatened, and offended by our 'young' presence. Something along the lines of 'You're a kid younger, what right do you have to be around us, with 'our' guy friends?' And I was all. Ha, too bad, suckers.

Now I know exactly how they feel. It's like you see your friends and girls a couple of years younger and you're like. Wtf, she's only 16. HUH, she's 17? Why is she even hanging with us? That kinda thing. Not to all, but some. I think it's selfishness and jealousy talking. Like, when the girls are older than yourself you feel like, oh of course, she's older she deserves or it's LOGICAL, but when they're younger..

Do you guys feel me?

Oh and I'm so over R, especially after I realised his girlfriend's only 17. I don't know why.

Been thinking of doing the eyes. You know Ayumi, Korean stars I can't name offhand and Taiwan artistes? Those HUGE doe like eyes? None of them is real. Go check out those big eye friends you've got, you'll realise none of them has DOE liked huge eyes which can only be achieved by cutting the ends, or the inner corner. The thing is, I've gotta go over Korea to do them though it's cheap, about 4k? Plus air ticks and I can just see my dad's mouth going NO WAY.

I wanna eat crabs leh.

; animal planet

Wow, I actually know 3/26 models of Channel5's deal or no deal tv show.

Looking good ladies!

; i'm a fool

This isn't the first time I've left the comfort of my bed to come trooping onto the computer table. Can't get to sleep, which is no suprise, I've been up for barely 10 hours.

Guess what I found out a couple of days ago? My cousin's been with Dylan, a pretty nice guy 7 years older than her for awhile now. He didn't strike me the slightest bit familiar then, just a random new boyfriend of my cousin, yknow?

I've heard about his ex-girlfriend, who cheated on him like, twice or thrice in the course of their 2 year relationship, which they ended a couple of months before he met and started dating my cousin. Her name, Charlene - but what, I know like 123123 Charlenes so it wasn't like, oh you were dating Raelene?!?! or something (my point is, unique name)

Only a few days before my cousin bounding up to me eagerly with a 'hey wanna check out her friendster? it's no longer a private profile!' did I realise.. okay, her display pic was an abstract one with her boyfriend, couldn't see no face, and then when we scrolled down.. I was totally.

OMFG. Charleneloyxueyan! Then it all made sense, I remember Win showing me Dylan's friendster approx. 2 years ago, and scoffing at the tattoo of his name on his back. God! The Xueyan (as we knew her back then) I've made small talk to, a friend of many of my friends of 86 when I was a kid of what, 14 or 15!

Last I heard of her, Win was telling me Adi went over her place to help fix up something or other, and she was going 'look at my Ipod' which she'd 'borrowed' from Win years back, and Adi all 'isn't that Win's Mini'? and Win was grousing 'she probably stuck a lil sticker with her name on the Ipod'. Yep, Adi and Alwin's ex-girlfriend.

Singapore is small, isn't it? The boyfriend's heartily tired I can tell, of me going, 'oh hey, that's my friend!' every so often, he kinda burst most sarcastically when I did that reading a magazine, at the This Month's Hunk You'll Like To Me or something like that section (one of the clubbing clique year four years ago, my favourite Zouk and Centro pal) and the time when I was gobbling up my cheeseprata at Rk and I called up to a most unlikely person, a pri school senior who was arm in arm with a 40 year old business man.

Pfttttttt my mom is bugging me for 'facing the computer' too often, so I'm gonna buzz and try get some breakfast. Later dude.

/edit/ gosh I almost forgot my point of this whole entry. Does anyone have any idea how/where Win is? *hints Mich - youknowanything? He deleted his friendster and though I can still remember his number (I deleted his number *caustic smile) I don't really feel like a) being ignored b) getting my head bitten off. Come a few more weeks, it'll be the month where we could have made it but I broke it but I doubt he's forgiven me so.. *shrugs..

; yat sum gnoi nei yat gor

My body clock is screwed. I sleep at say, 2 in the afternoon and wake at 9. And since I don't deal with nightlife except for supper these days, the keyword is Unproductive, with a capital U.

I don't have much to blog about, except that er. Leo finally got a girlfriend I think? That's the only new piece of newsflash I've got right now. And I'm back to eating chocolate, Royce's champagne for the win, never been very fond of Godivas. Just bought Uno stacko and Disney Scrabble, so that's what I do when I'm not with the bf, and the family's at home.

Hello Anony, I don't know who you are, nor your situation at hand, so all I can say is.. I'm not trying to.. okay can't think of the word, simplify or make less complex the pain I know you must be suffering of your broken heart, just know that in time, somehow, this too will pass. I don't know how long it will take. Might be days, could be months. But it will go away. And you will hopefully, emerge stronger, and better.

When I broke up with Samuel I thought it the end of the world, I really did. Everyone told me the same old thing I was tired of hearing, that you'll find somebody better, that you'll move on. I didn't want to find anyone better, I just wanted him back. But looking back I want to laugh so hard at that foolish girl.

I wonder, did I love him, really? Yuck, how could I? I remember that incident where he guarded outself my door to prevent me from hanging out at Raiders with Sel Josh and the rest whom he had conflicts with, how I had to accompany and wait for him to finish his bike lessons, my deleted phonebook which I never regained, confiscation of my friendster and MSN when he could use his, me taking a cab from school during break just to get him breakfast and then heading back to school, leaving money under his pillow so he wouldn't go hungry..

Okay sum it up, not cute not rich no personality, that's what I think now. Especially when I compare with the current, cute (till he gained so much weight with me HAHA), rich, car, easygoing and still sweet (let us forget the flaws for now).

You can, and will do so much better, you just don't realise it yet my dear. Give yourself time to heal, cry and listen to sad songs, then move on, why cry for a pussy when you can get a lion? RAWRRRR

; underneath your clothes

Parents.. sometimes I really suspect they have this morbidly accurate sixth sense when it comes to their kids. Like, the moment I gave in to craving and held a cig to my mouth, my mom startled me with a loud PSTTT and a half grumpy half accusatory look on her face, as if I said anything about tobacco abstinence or like she doesn't wake up early in the morning anyways.

Omg. Tired of my winamp playlist, I decided to check out P10 for songs and can you believe it Paris Hilton's rubbish track made it to 2006's top100. -_- Never trust Singaporeans for their eardrums, I tell you.

All's good with the bf. He's being so nice that it feels a lil scary, really. Making amends probably, not that I'm ungrateful about that. I've always had this.. unfair mentality, that he doesn't really love me, and I, him, that we're staying together more out of.. habit, and cos we're really comfortable and with each other, and the companionship perhaps but I think I'm wrong, we do love each other, just that our relationship's more like a husband and a wife, then boyfriend and girlfriend, if you get my drift. I mean, we practically live together after all, for more than half a year.

Jojo was Miss TeenUSA? Omg too.

The body's a bitch these days. I feel so.. whiny complaining about it all the time but seriously. Nausea outta nowhere, insomnia and severe aches. Don't know what's wrong with me.

Oh and to always be on the safe side, do remember condoms, cos it's not worth the worrying. And a lil food for thought, the boyfriend was like 'hey yknow how we get all relieved and happy that we never get pregnant, and then when we're planning for a family and we realise *gasp there's a problem with us and we CAN'T get pregnant, what would you do?'

Visiting the brother later, I should get an hour's rest even if I can't sleep so. Laters.

; wo yao wei ni jie yan

I needed to burp so desperately, was at the point of muttering 'I will give two bucks to burp right now' and stalking up and down the living room trying to walk the burp right out. And I managed that while I was fiddling with the Activemeter codes, didn't seem to have the 'write vibe' without it.. must be some lil narcissistic fragment of myself I was unaware of o.o

I have terrible bodyaches, shoulder more than anything else and though I can't deny my atrocious body posture's probably contributes to at least half the reason why.. I think (really think, not just the infamous self pity kicking in) there's something wrong with my body. Internal wise. Too much popping of the happy pills couple of years back, and those 'omgwtfbbq I wanna die right now' childish frequency I've been constantly on and off for.. 4 years?

So whiny I know. So caught up in my little troubles that I didn't even blog about the Cho Seung-Hui tragedy. Especially after reading those lil.. OKAY I MUST BE TIRED MY VOCAB SEEMS REALLY DOWN.. 'passages' of those murdered so dreadfully. I would have to be non human to write, I ended up weeping in front of the computer screen with my maid and dog looking on curiously.

I want to be independent. To be a strong, free woman. But I can't. Everytime I think I'm getting closer those paranoia cells jump in. Anxiety, they called it. Literally trembling, my heartbeat racing and my breathing harder. Until the incident whatever it was blows over.

Okay whatever I don't feel like elaborating. The sky's gorgeous. Purplish with pinkish orange layered over it, the faintest shade of beige, pale, pale pale pink merging so naturally with pale, pale pale blue. Ad the clouds are just.. there, like ornaments on a christmas tree. I'm not a big.. daytime person you know, being half a vampire and all that but hmm. I like the sky as it is now, I really like it.

/edit Okay I HAVE to add this, I looked away for like two seconds to post this entry up and WOW the sky's more blue and beige now. Amazing. I will stare at the sky whenever I have nothing better to do from now on.

; sleepy

Fighting to keep my eyes open, but I have to voice this out before it stifles my breathing.

AHLIANS THESE DAYS CAN WRITE!

Decently too. I am amazed, no sarcasm intended.