; self deceit

When possible, I generally tend towards ambiguity to avoid the reactions/responses of those who read or might chance across this ranting ground, whether welcomed or not. But maybe jus not right now.


I think it's right that I say, I'm worn out. I really am.


Would you be, if you're dealing with

a) The second act of infidelity

b) Accusations that are fully justified


I won't elaborate on the first, it's still a fresh wound and morever, my sister has already told me I'm the silliest living creature alive and urged me to come home right away, even offering to sponser my transport which at this hour, would probably add up to 30 odd which is alot, considering she doesn't have an allowance (unless requested which is only in desperate times) and spends only what she earns. And I'm still here, using his computer to type this.

If I don't let it out I'll turn crazy. I've already abused my trusty Lexotan since the fatal discovery, doubled the dosage for anxiety, and more to tranquilize and aid sleep.


I don't deny I'm more paranoid than the average girl, I never did. But it began when he flirted with Michelle (you don't call a platonic friend sweetie, do you, and a couple of reasons I can't seem to remember, but just get this, he admitted and apologised to them) and got worst when more lies came into the picture.

Strike one, strike two(s) and the third was the first major lying and what I would simply call cheating incident. And now the second.

Don't judge me and say I step over my boyfriend.

Get this, my boyfriend let me down twice and I'm sticking around cos I love him too much not to forgive him (maybe I'm just dense or something)

Lets say, I don't use this as my trump card (as if it's not bad enough)

Is it wrong that my boyfriend loves me, and respects my intense unwillingness of him heading to clubs without me, and chooses not to go? God, even people who swear by 100% trust in a relationship, eg. my sister and Michelle, the first says absolutely not, and her boyfriend agrees, the latter doesn't really feel happy about it and I daresay (my opinion) she IS secretly upset about it when he does. Of course, there are exceptions, but you can't deny it's the GENERAL response of people up to at least 25. And when you're 25 and married.. what would you say?

And what if say, I'm just using a random name, Jeanin (similarity to any real human being you might know purely coincidental) had a talk with you, and you discovered that you going clubbing greatly disturbs and upsets her? Would you go? I think not. Despite the fact that's she's not even your significant other, that you are merely a close friend, you wouldn't do what she specifies, will hurt her. Or would you? What more if she's the one you love, who 'belongs' to you? Can you answer me and honestly tell me you don't feel guilty for pressurising my boyfriend?


Second,
Yes, my boyfriend does occasionally reject outings. Is it fair to push all the blame to me? "Of cos she say go la, then she show face you don't go already". If it wasn't so crude I would say, LANJIAO, so I'm expected to fake a happy grin when I'm not feeling any jubilant? I tell him sure go, it's not my fault what my expression says, I don't feel that I owe it to you guys to fake a happy face yo.

Or when I refused to go, if you guys think I'm being difficult, hey, it's become I'M TIRED/DON'T FEEL LIKE GOING/RATHER DO SOMETHING ELSE. Should I FORCE myself to go to please you? What are you? What have you done to please ME? I don't owe you any favours, do I?

And have you ever considered the fact that the boyfriend MIGHT NOT WANT TO GO? Simple as that. When he agreed and plans were made before hand, when did he not turn up? All the stunts 'chut pattern' only comes out when you guys FORCE/THREATEN/PUTS WORDS IN HIS MOUTH - saying he agreed when he didn't/ COMING TO HIS HOUSE TO ATTEMPT TO DRAG HIM OUT. So he can't be tired or lazy after work huh?


I'm too lazy to say anymore and seriously too disgusted, so I'm just going to say this, look, if you hurt someone important to you badly, you'll want to make amends right? You wouldn't want to hurt the person again would you? So though the boyfriend insists that it's because he doesn't like the place/don't feel like going after I told him 'if you want, feel free to go', I know it's cos he's trying to earn back my trust and love, and make the tears go away.

For fuck's sake, the day I found out the terrible truth, I forced myself to go out with you guys THOUGH YOU MISUNDERSTOOD AND ATTACKED ME FOR NO REASON the day before. I kept my hurt and anger at bay, we saved our critical conversation for another time JUST FOR YOU COS HE PROMISED YOU HE WOULD MEET YOU THAT DAY.

And I don't see you appreciating this gesture of goodwill. But you go on attacking me. Just put Jeanin in my shoes la (FICTIONAL NAME)