; saving me

show me what it's like, to be the last one standing..

I can remember Natalie's heartbreak most vividly in my head. And truth be told, I was steamrolled by insane guilt being the unwitting third party in her relationship with Sam, despite repeated assurances from both of them, that they were on the rocks, and I was but the catalyst that led to the breakup.

There was self loathing, misery and anger directed at Sam, his selfishness and nonchalance towards Natalie, and for placing me into that one way predicament. She was his girlfriend for a couple of months, while she was but, an unknown face from a blog I chanced across, composing essay after essay of sorrow and agony. So why was I the one suffering from tremendous pity and overwhelming self reproach?

And then I replayed my breakup with Sam. Up to now, I'm fairly uncertain, one moment he denied, the next he claimed this and that, but there was this sick feeling in the stomach at that point, that I was the next Natalie. Who was the next Jieying, who was the next Becky. Or at least, that was what Natalie told me.

There was one particular incident that remain fresh in my mind. Maybe cos I'm afraid, repetition of history. Before we started the dating ritual couples go through, which means friends, but he expressed attraction and interest yada yada, he had to go over to Natalie's place for a couple of days, yeah (pretend like everything was normal) and he actually snucked a couple of calls and texts to me, while telling me not to reply. Stuff like I miss you and I can't get you off my mind. And more nonsense like, I didn't even feel like kissing Natalie anymore. I was angry and indignant and it tore me apart to imagine Natalie lying in his embrace, warm and happy, all the time unknowing to his betrayal.

And I'm sorry for the mistrust, it eats me up too but it was instilled within from bad experiences. I think I'm losing it.

At the end of the day, all the I love yous in the world don't seem real after all.

Loves to Mich and Kitty, thanks for being here with rational advice before I drown under massive waves of insecurity and doubt.