; endless love

could've been so beautiful, could've been so right..

Headache on and off today, but I don't wanna pop another panadol for temporary relief.

Reading her musings reminds me that she's another very human teenage girl, struggling with her own growing pains. And I feel guilt and I feel sorry for my bitching, influenced, private, but bitching nontheless. Maybe this is a sign, a sign that I'm growing up. Or simply, developing a more profound conscience.

Yearning for peace. A weird remark, huh? It's just that life is so terribly conflicted and muddled and everything sometimes. The ups and downs of my friends affect me adversely, my sis's break up gnaws at me with an unexplainable ache, Michie's obvious heartache (yeah deny it if you want babe haha) leaves tiny pinpricks in my heart as well.

I think I'm just tired, 4 hours rest littered with stress dreams since yesterday night is taking it's toil on me.

And the conflict with a loved one adds to the infinite burden I feel on my shoulder right now. It's always the night, the nights, when I muse and regret, and make wishes that I know won't come true.

I remember Cx telling me, 5 months ago, that time will heal all wounds, and mend all that is broken. It seems like a lifetime ago, but the fact is, some things will never turn out right, no matter how we hope, no matter how we try.

I know I reiterate this issue most often, but I can't help it. Love, friendship, popularity, everything is ephemeral. I've had it all, and I've lost it all. A 'theory' from my lit text, life is nothing but illusions we must overcome, life is nothing but an eventual lead to separation and lonliness. So sad, but true.

To be honest, I've been a lucky girl. Silver spoon, as people tell me. A close knit family. Brains, if I chose to, or I'm not too lazy to use them. And since primary school to the three secondary schools, I've been in the 'popular' or 'cool' clique. But why does she cry? Why the suicide attempt at 14, and the clinical depression years after?

Excessive paranoia, the occasional depressed bouts. I'm not trying to justify my weakness by claiming it's part of the medical yadayadayada. And I know it's not an excuse. I yearn so much for a life of simplicity. The belief that everything will eventually be okay? It's all in the mind, but I can't help it. Has it been instilled, from the formative years, and destined to haunt me for life? I know I sound overly melodramatic, but I really do feel this way.

I fear loss. I'm afraid of the emptiness that comes after loss. A chinese idiom, Na de qi, fang de xia. But it's na de qi, fang bu xia for me. If you pick something up, you have to be able to put it down. It's a lesson I never can comprehend. Regardless of all sense and reason, it's always been this way. Letting go of anything at all is like a tough struggle against a mountain lion or something.

It's been a while since I felt this emo-ness.

Sometimes I wonder, if love has been downgraded to a mere carnal act. And also I ponder, why does the suffering always seem to fall on the females. Not unlike my 'I would take bullets for you, but would you, for me? I doubt' theory. This applies to friendship as well. I remember Calv on that possesed night. And I know Sis would have willingly be the recipient of pain, for him. But if it was the other way round, it seems near impossible. I'm fond of Calv, in the platonic sense, but I don't think he would make such a sacrifice.

The theory is perhaps self-centered-ish, I think too highly of my empathy, and my 'unselfishness' (I am selfish in many other ways, I know) when it comes to lives, literal lives of my friends. Even if the victim was her, I won't hesitate to take the bullet. I know I won't. No strings attached.

But for me? Who would, besides my family. Would you people do it for me? I'm not questioning the.. I don't know what term to use, of my friends, you guys get the drift. It's just a jaded and bitter thought that comes into mind occasionally.