This will be a quick one to prevent any outbursts or crying.
I don't know whether I'm okay, I'm manically depressed or anything else.
One moment I feel alright, an acceptance of a reality one cannot change,
the other I feel so resentful, that the Good Lord is tormenting me with Waiting once again.
I've cried but now I feel alright so I'm trying to keep it this way.
I think it's only when I really go think about it and how life has and will change, that I have only weekends to spend with him that I weep non stop.
I'm incoherent and I'm so self centered, everything in this post is I I I but whatever. Goodbye.
Saturday, July 14, 2007
Tuesday, July 10, 2007
; xin bu liao qing
So, I've been skipping up and down my winamp playlist, searching for the right song. Too emo, and it'll prolly make me go /slit. Too happy and it'll make me wanna heave.
How come my entries always begin with Songtalk ah? Hah.
I guess the impact of the impending Goodbye has finally hit me. Hard. And I don't think I'm being overly melodramatic. It's just, for the past 10 - 11 months, we've never been apart for more than a few days. Two weeks seems a lifetime, and after that it'll be Book ins and outs.
When my brother comes home for Homeleave this Sat, I'll be saying Goodbye to my boy. Last weekend with my brother, the boyfriend and the friends have been such, such fun, I know the boyfriend enjoyed the very different company too, like today when they played mahjong, despite him losing 70+ bucks.
And I can't deny a twinge of yearning for those days, childish though it may seem to other people, Gangsterism. It's not the fights I miss, it's the people. The blatent honesty, no fake smiles and acting high and mighty or even classy. Just.. being ourselves.
Tok's words struck a chord, deep in me. Yes, revenge is simple, when you have the contacts, when you have the dough. Probably just a few phonecalls away, you can make a person's life hell. But at the end of the day, is there a point? Let bygones be bygones. People hurt you, you find it in your heart to forgive them, that's the most precious miracle of life.
That's.. life. People are always gonna let you down. You learn from it. You grow stronger. Suddenly vengeance doesn't seem so sweet after all. Yes there's the triumphant kick you get, the 'that's what goes when you do shit', the high when you 'teach someone a lesson'. But who are we to do that? We're all humans. Who are we to judge and decide the severity, the penalty when we ourselves make mistakes?
Like Ww said, Karma comes and karma goes. Let life wreck itself on the deserving, and their just deserts. Like the parents said, never push anyone too far. Live, and let live.
If Tok can live with being cheated outta a few grand, the parents forgive and forget those who owe them hundreds of thousands and start over with what they have, I can live with a few nasty bitchings of fuckers.
The brother can get attacked by >8 people at least >5 years older than him, and still get up one time after another, yelling PAH BUAY TOH PAH BUAY TOH! - so can I.
I should end it off now, sounding inspired and all.. but really.. the heart's so heavy I can barely breathe.
How come my entries always begin with Songtalk ah? Hah.
I guess the impact of the impending Goodbye has finally hit me. Hard. And I don't think I'm being overly melodramatic. It's just, for the past 10 - 11 months, we've never been apart for more than a few days. Two weeks seems a lifetime, and after that it'll be Book ins and outs.
When my brother comes home for Homeleave this Sat, I'll be saying Goodbye to my boy. Last weekend with my brother, the boyfriend and the friends have been such, such fun, I know the boyfriend enjoyed the very different company too, like today when they played mahjong, despite him losing 70+ bucks.
And I can't deny a twinge of yearning for those days, childish though it may seem to other people, Gangsterism. It's not the fights I miss, it's the people. The blatent honesty, no fake smiles and acting high and mighty or even classy. Just.. being ourselves.
Tok's words struck a chord, deep in me. Yes, revenge is simple, when you have the contacts, when you have the dough. Probably just a few phonecalls away, you can make a person's life hell. But at the end of the day, is there a point? Let bygones be bygones. People hurt you, you find it in your heart to forgive them, that's the most precious miracle of life.
That's.. life. People are always gonna let you down. You learn from it. You grow stronger. Suddenly vengeance doesn't seem so sweet after all. Yes there's the triumphant kick you get, the 'that's what goes when you do shit', the high when you 'teach someone a lesson'. But who are we to do that? We're all humans. Who are we to judge and decide the severity, the penalty when we ourselves make mistakes?
Like Ww said, Karma comes and karma goes. Let life wreck itself on the deserving, and their just deserts. Like the parents said, never push anyone too far. Live, and let live.
If Tok can live with being cheated outta a few grand, the parents forgive and forget those who owe them hundreds of thousands and start over with what they have, I can live with a few nasty bitchings of fuckers.
The brother can get attacked by >8 people at least >5 years older than him, and still get up one time after another, yelling PAH BUAY TOH PAH BUAY TOH! - so can I.
I should end it off now, sounding inspired and all.. but really.. the heart's so heavy I can barely breathe.
Monday, July 09, 2007
; born to be king
I couldn't resist. What better songs to fit my train of thought, than one from the infamous Young & Dangerous (Gu Wa Zai) soundtrack? -Gu Wa Zai is canto for Wiseguy, an Italian term for Gangster.
Hahaha! Brother Dearest had his very first Home Leave after 6 months worth of Boys' Home regimentation. It differs from Time Leave, the 9 hour outings he was allowed for the past 3 weeks, this time, he had from Saturday morning to Sunday evening to do whatever he liked!
Pui and Small Xiang came over. Cousin the PUSSAY cabbed off to her man's home all the way in Bedok (quarrel loh, what else? *involuntary snigger)
Okay I needa poop. Laters.
Hahaha! Brother Dearest had his very first Home Leave after 6 months worth of Boys' Home regimentation. It differs from Time Leave, the 9 hour outings he was allowed for the past 3 weeks, this time, he had from Saturday morning to Sunday evening to do whatever he liked!
Pui and Small Xiang came over. Cousin the PUSSAY cabbed off to her man's home all the way in Bedok (quarrel loh, what else? *involuntary snigger)
Okay I needa poop. Laters.
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