; gone

Did I mention that I brought my baby to grooming and now she smells like a rose and her fur's soft and fluffy to the touch.

Digressed.

I once read this quote from somewhere, "Don't blame yourself, cos you've lived your life the best you could. Nobody sets out to ruin their own life". Sadly, or maybe simply pathetically, that's not true in my case. I think my subconcious is deliberately trying to sabotage and wreck any good thing in my life.

I tried to explain this point to Wanwin and Erik once, I don't know if they really got my drift, though. Maybe I'm too self centered to truly believe anyone can fully understand my train of thought, and what I go through as I walk through the daily routine of my life.

Before the call, I was musing in my head. "I'm too hard on him. I expect perfection when I already have one of the best boyfriends around. How can I be so overbearing, when my temperament makes me further from the fragments of perfection that I myself seek. I'm sucha difficult girlfriend, I have trust issues and terrible mood swings, and he becomes the unwitting catalyst and victim alike, of everything. Okay I'll tell him how wonderful he is later hehehe."

And the very next moment I contradict myself and everything I was planning by demanding a break-up. Yeah and here I am listening to the most emo songs on my playlist and smoking like my life depended on it. I'm sucha sucker I know.

Thanks for putting up with me for 5 months. Love you baby.

I miss my brother. It's sad that I have to put into words of a letter inexplicable emotions to the one I love best in the world. I pray that no one will have to be separated from a kin so deeply loved, like myself. I wish this pain onto no one.

Haha and to think I was telling my mom, 'Hey maybe I should skip the antidepressies this month huh?' Sigh. I know I talk alot. I can go on typing mindlessly into this sanctuary essays of how terrible a hand life has dealth on me, but lets spare you, poor reader the agony.

Emo 1000000 years. Haven't heard this for awhile huh, Sel, Mich, Win, Sis, and the people?

Say goodnight and go.

; war and beauty

I've been hooked onto this TVB drama, War and Beauty. Baby Sis my family and maybe Michie should be VERY clear bout this. Haha. My life would revolve around catching the show while it was screening on SCV at Baby's house, but I only manage to catch like half the show cos Baby's SCV is screwed haha. And I just got the channel recently at home, my dad removed it cos he thought we were watching too much telly haha.

Anyway. The concubines and ladies were all scheming and fighting for the emperor's love. Poor women. But I think,

Gaining someone's love is easy. It's retaining it that's the tough part.

And I'm tired of trying so hard. Maybe I should let nature run it's course.

I should be less cynical and learn to have faith in someone, that if he does love me like he says, he will never do anything to hurt me. (:

Cancer - Your Love Profile

Your positive traits: You're intuitive enough to know what's going wrong in a relationship early on A total sweetheart - you're often the most caring person anyone knows You are a generous and devoted parter to whoever you fall in love with Your negative traits: Insecurity - you tend to need a huge amount of comforting from your partner You tend to be overly sensitive and easily hurt, which make loving you difficult It's difficult to predict your moods. One minute you're up - the next you're down. Your ideal partner: Someone equally sensitive, who wants to take time to get to know you deeply Dreams of an everlasting love - complete with marriage and a family Loves to take care of you. Being a good cook and masseuse doesn't hurt! Your dating style: Slow. You enjoy dates that last all day, with plenty of time to talk and get to know one another. Your seduction style: Quite tender and loving, once you are comfortable in your relationship. Coy. You tend to play it cool to drive your lover wild. Orally talented - you're known as the best kisser in the zodiac. Tips for the future: Be a little less sensitive. Not every little mistake should hurt you. Spend time away from your partner every so often - independence is a good thing. Find ways to take care of yourself. You'll be happier if you put yourself first. Best color to attract mate: Aqua Best day for a date: Wednesday

What's Your Love Profile?

Your Love Type: ENFP

The Inspirer In love, you are passionate and eager to develop a strong bond. For you, sex should be playful, creative, and affectionate. Overall, you are perceptive and bring out the best in your partner. However, you tend to hold on to bad relationships after they've turned bad. Best matches: INTJ and INFJ

What's Your Love Type?

; aircon rumblings & baby's breathing

The silence I once find so comforting is stifling, it's suffocating.

Surfing friendster for awhile reduced me to feeling close to a worthless pool of too much mass. Has my self estemn hit an all time low? I wonder.

More like, I miss town. I miss The People. I feel like I've been absent so long, I've been forgotten. I've always secretly prided myself on having depth in my soul, but perhaps I am shallow, I am superficial after all? Could it be the popularity I surreptitiously miss, and yearn?

I've excused myself from town for almost a year now, by claiming I'm too tired, too weary of social politics and this tendency to look out for the mullen people I know hanging on a daily basis over there. And like the time I went MIA for a couple of months, I feel stressed returning. I'm not saying I can't pop by to shop or anything. It's the thought of sitting at Rocky's for hours, or the railings, or outside Cheers, yknow what I mean?

Of course, the twits who proudly declare their ZAI-ING of Cine doesn't help. Fairly endearing as amusement though, I gotta say. Not to forget the new people, those who's been around for a couple of months acting like they're all that. Save my nerves please.

I'm whining. Yes I'm rambling ranting senselessly.

Would you believe my phonebook contains less than a 100 numbers? Remember those days when numbers could only be saved by either simcard, or phone, no such thing as phone memory? Yeah, mine was full and I constantly had to edit numbers, cos there was a max. of 500 numbers. And when those cool blue new phones came out I had 700+. Now? I barely contact more than 10 people. When I use to receieve texts from at least 10 people on any day.

I don't know why I'm complaining. Maybe I just feel lonely. Maybe it's my own fault for alienating the rest and choosing to live in my own little world.

Life's like this. Who ever said anything about life being good?

; your call

Last night, or was it the night before last, for the first time in the longest while yet, I dreamt of you.

You didn't hate me, not even close. Unbelievable, inconcievable.

And smiling, I opened my eyes and learnt the terrible but indubitable truth, it was but a dream.

Half a year, and forgiveness, I know, will never be granted to her who seeks them most.

I could read your hostility across the road as clear as a book.


It's over, over.
And I know I'm the best thing you never had.

; zhi neng bao zhe ni

You know what true friends are?

True friends are people who you can turn to in times of need, and never abandon you or make you feel anything less than special.

True friends don't tell you "You threw me aside for you boyfriend, sorry, I'm busy with my own life now".

The more vocal ones complain of their pique, of course and others choose to smile it off, concealing their hurt caused by the drift apart.

No permanent resentment, or maliciousness from them, none at all.

True friends, Josh, Kitty, and maybe others I haven't discovered yet, I'm glad you guys are still around. (:

; war and beauty

Over the ages, Sex has evolved from the most primal form of reproduction, to typically rites performed after sundown. Whether to define acts of love, or lust, I wonder.

May sentimentality always be embedded within the flames of ardour.

; purest of pain

Some issues, are simply too private to share, on this online haven, a sanctuary that I no longer trust, with tales too close to heart to divulge. Personal weakness should be masked, veiled, hidden deep within, in a bottomless pool that I wonder, whether someday, someone will care enough to take the plunge into the terrifying unknown.

In the meantime, to those, who do care a wee bit, read between the lines.


Sorry, didn't mean to call you but I couldn't fight it. I guess I was weak, couldn't even hide it, and so I surrendered, just to hear your voice. I know how many times I said I'm gonna live without you, and maybe someone is standing there beside you, but there's something baby, that you need to know.

I wish I could tell you I'm feeling better everyday, that it didn't hurt me when you walked away, but to tell you the truth, I can't find my way.

Deep inside me, I feel like I'm dying, I have to see you, it's all that I'm asking, baby.

Vida, give me back my fantasy. The courage that I need to live, the air that I breathe. Carino mio, my world's become so empty, my days are so cold and lonely. And each night I taste, the purest of pain.


Happy 4th month, Baby.

; say okay

You are fine, you are sweet, but I'm still abit naive, with my heart. When you're close, I don't breathe, I don't feel the words to speak, I feel sparks.

But I don't wanna be into you if you're not looking for true love.

No, I don't wanna start seeing you if I can't be your only one, so tell me when it's not alright, when it's not okay, will you try to make me feel better? Will you say okay, will you say alright, will you stick with me through whatever, or run away?

Say that it's gonna be alright, that it's okay.

When you call, I don't know if I should pick up the phone everytime. I'm not like all my friends who keep calling up the boys, I'm so shy.

But I don't wanna be into you if you don't treat me the right way.

See, I can only start seeing you if you make my heart feel safe.

Let me know if it's gonna be you, boy you've got some things to prove. Let me know that you'll keep me safe, I don't want you to run away so let me know that you'll call on time, let me know that you won't be shy.

Will you wipe my tears away, will you hold me closer, when it's not alright, when it's not okay?

; sensitive

This is over my head but under my feet .
I'm done thinking.
I'm done deciding.
I'll let fate take the wheel because after much realisation , i have nothing to lose, nothing to gain .
I'm already this close to losing myself .
What is there more left to lose?

-quote Amanda, cos this is closest to what I feel too.

; end of the world

Why does the sun go on shining?
Why does the sea rush to shore?
Don't they know, it's the end of the world, cos you don't love me anymore.

Why do the birds go on singing?
Why do those stars glow above?
Don't they know, it's the end of the world, it ended when I lost your love.

I wake up in the morning, and I wonder;
Why everything's the same, as it was.
I can't understand, no I can't understand;
How life goes on the way it does?

Why does my heart go on beating?
Why do these eyes of mine cry?
Don't they know, it's the end of the world,
It ended when you said goodbye.


No matter what happens, the world will go on spinning, and Apollo's fiery chariot will resume it's daily trek through the sky. At dusk, the velvety blanket of darkness will fall, along with the stars that twinkle and shine, with the customary illusion of hope. Even when there is no hope.

It's unkind and unfair of me to begrudge his friends for their nonchalance. But. Big Xiang called the day before, he said the bunch was at Ktv and he thought of my brother and wanted to find out how he's doing. When I inquired whether he knew that they could write, he hesitated and went "I know but.. Aiya.." I'm fully aware that people move on, but so quickly, it's a wonder why people could litter me with names like heart of stone, for my seemingly cold bloodedness sometimes. There they were, enjoying themselves while my brother was probably asleep on the stonecold mat, with nothing to look forward to but another day closer to freedom. These times I hate the world, I truly do.

; home alone

Fill in every question and don’t post w/o filling in every blank with at least a word.

1. Never in my life have I: kissed a toad

2. The last person I kissed was: baby ^^v

3. The one person who can drive me nuts, but then always manage to make me smile: baby^^v

4. The high school I go to is: xinmin, huayi, st francis methodist

5. When I’m nervous: i smoke alot

6. The last time I cried was: yesterday

7. My hair: is recently rebonded and RED HEHEHEHE

8. When I was 5, I: lived in a mansion with two maids two cars chauffeur and a gardener

9. My Christmas last year: was spent eating pizza and watching dvds

10. When I turn my head to my right, I see: my boyfriend on his bed frowning at the lappy

11. I should be: on a diet

12. When I look down I see: MY HUGE THIGHS AMG

13. The craziest recent event was: getting food poisoning from salmon overdose.

14. By this time next year: i will be 19 !!

15. I love: my puppy

16. I have a hard time understanding: stupid people

17. One time at a family gathering: we were comparing tattoos

18. You know I like you if: I can't take my eyes off you ( ok tt means i either hate or like you)

19. Take my advice: cos I so pawn the world hahahahah

20. My ideal breakfast is: KISSSSSSSSSSSS AND HUGSSSSSSS GALORE

21. If you visit the place I grew up: i hang out near the area all the time, kensington park, gardens.

22. Soon I plan on visiting: japannnnn

23. If you spend the night at my house: it will be too crowded my house is a perpetual chalet

24. The world could do without: snakes and rodents and applepies

25. The most recent thing I bought: i can't remember i haven't bought stuff for ages!

26. My favourite brunette is: um tts a toughie sophia bush?

27. The animals I would like to see flying besides birds are: umm elephants hehe

28. Last night I: slept over at my bf's housey with him and tony playing dota IRRITANTS

29. My birthday is on: 27th june every year

30. Tomorrow I will be: watching movie yay

; ramblings of the dota world

Over time, my resentment for some people has faded to naught, to nothingness, and now I wonder why they use to be able to bug me so much with merely a presence, or a paragraph of words.

Why do people hate each other? Why do people turn malicious, malevolent, vitriolic, acerbic and I can go on trying to find words to justify the behaviour of us homo sapiens, myself included.

As weird as this might sound, all I'm hoping for is a better world. One of peace, contentment and happiness. Forget the sins of envy, lust, greed, gluttony, pride, and I can't seem to remember the other one(two?)

Oh and I just destroyed my diet and my jogging today by chomping onto a huge McSpicy burger, MEAL. I've gained an entire kilogram. Can anyone believe that just a year ago, I was standing at 160cm and weighed a 46 kg? Now I'm a couple of centimeters taller and prolly 10 kgs heavier.

Good Lord.

I bet my boyfriend $25 he wouldn't shave off his crowning glory like Tony did. Hahaha. Bet the vainpot wouldn't do it. Takers, anyone?

; baby i'm sorry

I thought I was beyond such irrational acts of infantility.

How could I be so wrong? Curse the blasted doctor for overruling my requested Lexotan for anxiety attacks.

When I once again resort to self-mutilation as a form of release of pain, anger, hurt rather than healthier activities.. you know I'm in trouble again.


And sometimes, you bleed just to know you're alive.

; as long as you love me

Japanese course.

Bahasa Indonesia course.

Singing course.


I WANNA LEARN EXOTIC DANCING TOO!

*winks at the boyfriend and giggles like a silly schoolgirl HAHAHA.

; life's like this.

I'm uncertain of what to and what not to say, of the previous night's issue, mixed feelings to be frank, on one hand I approve of letting the cat out of the bag if it would wake him to greener pastures, on the other, the necessity of disclosing such classified information after so long.. I wonder. Still, what's done's done, I just hope you did the right thing.

It's not really anything to do with me anyway, bystander innocently looking in and giving my two cents' worth.

I don't know why, coincidences hit me harder than merely what they should be deemed as, pleasant suprises. Like uh, when Calv and co. joined this new WOW clan consisting of an ex school mate and a couple of past acquaintances, I have this severe feeling of unease and slight displeasure. And Jenn's new post has a letter of complaint or some sort from Av, Yingting who was also a past schoolmate in St Francis, a past #1988-er, one of the new WOW clan as well as Keith's friend (whom I bump into at practically every clubbing event I go to)

It's not even that I have anything against her, I think she's a pretty cute girl with big eyes lol. I just have this weird feeling I fully pinpoint. Ah enough of these inane musings..

ANYONE HAS ANY PRIVATE SCHOOL TO RECOMMEND?

My parents have decided, one final year in Singapore before I head abroad. But I don't know what road I should take, is there like some compiled list of private schools in Singapore that I'm missing out on? SIC, Stansfield, MDIS, La Selle, what else?

; xing fu bei hou (behind the bliss)

It's been awhile, people. Direct translation, and faithful readers, need I explain more?


Such warmth, the love you exuded, hinting subtly of the short lived happiness.
Grateful, yet the unknowing future's forbidding.
Forever and ever, if it does exist, please bestow a glimpse of it.

So glorious, an azure your sky, should not be tainted by the gloomy grey of mine.
Still, your love ushers within the fuchusia of jubilance, of euphoria,
Fleeting it might be, the steep payment for momentarily ownership, a worthy price

Fear lurks darkly as deep as the bliss,
Afraid of the ending of this fairytale.
Behind every embrace veils a melancholia that gradually falls apart.
And I'm the only defender of the lonliness no one else comprehends.

Unwilling to allow the discovery of my panicky footsteps,
Giving my all to catch up with your haste.

Anticipating the day when I no longer have to face alone, the pain behind the bliss.

; songs we used to sing

Yes, I am not oblivious to the fact that my paranoia and high dependency can make me an extremely difficult and demanding girl.

Still, that is no justification for that Fuck You. None.

I'm still hesitating, which is a good sign, I am in love. Like how shocked Sis was when I told her, I think I really am. But now, I wonder if it's a good sign at all, after all.

; musings

Masochist tendencies will haunt and terrorise me for as long as I live, no matter how desperately I run and how hard I try, how bitterly I cry and how faithfully I pray. I will never break free.

Thank god for the nicotine.

; love you so

It's an uncomprehensible paradox of wonder and not too little fear to be so deeply in love.

Forget the world, but the hand I'm holding.

You're wonderful and I'm so glad I've found you.

Amazing to find myself wishing that I didn't waste so much time with so many other people, and could've found you sooner instead.

Lovelove.

; where are you now

Eyes are swollen and puffy and they're really hurting me. Think I need to get that Lasik done and soon, contacts seem to aggravate but I can't bear to say goodbye to grey eyes. Not to worry though, it was tears and not anything medical causing the pain today.

A disconcerting phonecall from my brother's friends, saying they heard he was beaten up bad inside the boys' home. Knowing the cocky and proud facade he likes to hide behind, it wasn't suprising. The weird thing was, he claims he was the luckiest one in the history of the boys' home, he wasn't touched, not at all. I don't know who to believe, but come on, he's my brother and I am his closest confidate, doubt he will lie to me. Never trust rumours, hear me?

I miss him dreadfully. And I sometimes wish the Boy can be a lil more understanding. Sigh.

I don't know what else to say, having a terrible headache.

And I'm sorry for sounding utterly depressing.

My fingers hurt too, think the boy trimmed the nails a lil too deep.