; don't say you love me

WHY oh WHY are all the guys in my life so into victimizing themselves?

And bitching about me on their Friendsters, Msn nicknames, etc.

Blame the victim, sure, push it all to me.

I'M THE GODDAMN LOSER SUFFERING FROM BEING PLAYED OUT.

ME OKAY?!

I'M THE GODDAMN VICTIM.

; drive me crazy

Reminisce.

August17, 2006. Post title, *Lullaby.

It's pretty damn hard to believe, that after almost 2 years, he's still the one who can make my heart beat faster, and slower, all at the same time.

So beautiful it's tragic.

And crap, I realised my standard of writing has deteriorated drastically. How did I come up with those proses in the past?

; fall in love tonight under the orange county sky

I must be getting old,

Cos those mind games I used to indulge and even excel in, less than a week and they're wearing me out, bringing me down.

I wish I can, for the first bloody time in my life, love someone wholeheartedly, give him my all - no strings attached. Without paranoia about him using me for whatever reasons, or fear of loss, hurt and pain.

If I love again, I don't wanna hold back. But then, once again,

If I love, I'll only be hurting as much as I love.

; lets get these teen hearts beating faster

Temporary blinded but now it's clearer than clear to me.

Nobody's fool, especially not yours.

; tell me, how much for your love?

I seriously can't stand people who mind fucks me.

; so bring on the rain

There's nothing I dread less than a conflict, especially among those whom I still crack smiles for when I reminisce happy moments and more than often harbor tender thoughts of.

Oh well.

Monetary issues are always sensitive, (yeah like who doesn't know?) and I hereby announce I'll never again be sucha pushover and allow callous nonsensity like 'Pay you later k?' only to have me still not seeing no dough weeks after.

I mean, I understand, there'll always be predicaments ; dilemmas, but so conveniently EVERYONE forgets that Hello, ME TOO!!!!!!

Guess what, I'm declaring myself OFFICIALLY BROKE.

Thanks to all who contributed to the 'Jovina has $0 (not fucking joking) in her pockets because she has to cough up money to cover for those bad debts' deed. THANKS.

I pawned my fucking PSP already. Tell me what's next, my phone?

; still hooked on you

So, Jurong HQ on Monday.

My oh my.

I feel like I'm 14 all over again. I mean, the pieces all fit like how a hand slips into a custom-made glove, or a body into a well tailored suit.

Happening days that to be honest, I'd rather not relieve. I'd pick boring over busy anytime.

Oh Kelly, you're boring me out.. where's good ol' Em when you need her? :( :( :(


If only life could be simple, and I could simply dial 8 numbers and go 'Hey, guess what? I've been in love with you since Day 1, 2 years ago?' without the severe repercussions I never wanna face.

; you should be in the blueprint of my future

Successfully I've estranged myself from the tempting mistress of Mass, Baccarat.

Breaking up with Ellery's the difficult part, along with the renowned Kai and elusive Iain, seductive and barely out of reach.

I wish I can peel away this mask, this false facade of indomitable strength I've impressed upon everyone. I'm not oh-fucking-kay. But the charade, the show must go on.

Oh yes, I'm the great Pretender.



p.s Again, it's NOT about YOU, cockroach. *sniffs disgustedly, the very thought of you brings upon a bad smell in the air.

; miss our midnight rides on highway 18

Need for speed.

It's funny how you outgrown the giggly bike craze most girls go through in their early teens, only to have it replaced by a more materialistic want for comfy four wheelers, and now for me,

Back to square one.

; ride on a meteorite

Party over.

Dope. No shit.


(p.s - I'll like the world, especially some KPOs, to know that the SOLE reason for my down-and-out-ness is my BROTHER'S ARREST, and nothing else.)

; if you keep on taking you'll be breaking

Anticipation bringing forth both anxiety and restlessness.


HOUSE PARTAY AT SIX AM!


Euros. Butterflies. Chanels. Loves.

; bound by the life you left behind

I'm being an outright flake and making a complete mess outta my life once again.

And I really couldn't care less.

Times like this, I hate the world, I truly do.

; who will i run to when autumn doesn't return?

you were the one who i could tell my deepest fears
and you were the one who always wiped away my tears

so now i've lost everything
cos now you say you're gone forever more

so who will i
who will i run to?
who will i turn to?
now that you left me behind
who will dry my tears when i cry?
now that you're not here in my life?

cos i would give anything
cos i want you back forever more


And I thought I was beyond crying.

You know,
when it hurts, when you hurt so goddamn bad, when you're bleeding so deep from inside

You just don't cry anymore.

That's the maximus of Pain.
The zenith of Grief and Sorrow.

Words, tears, those traditional tools of expression are worthless, meaningless.

But to sum it all up, I miss I need I want my brother back by my side.


初秋的天 冰冷的夜 autumn's first, the freezing dusk
回忆慢慢袭来 reawakened images that're memories
真心的爱 就像落叶 deep true love resembling fallen leaves
为何却要分开 why do they have to fall and part?

灰色的天 独自彷徨 the dull grey expanse of bleak sky, the solitary cheerlessness
城市的老地方 the old place we used to go
真的孤单 走过忧伤 stark lonliness, melancholia's company
心碎还要逞强 a broken heart faking a smile

想为你披件外衣 if only i could place a sweater upon you
天凉要爱惜自己 it's cold, please do take care of yourself
没有人比我更疼你 nobody loves you more than i do

告诉你 在每个 if i could i'll let you know
想你的夜里 in every sleepless night, mind occupied with only you
我哭的好无力 how desperately i cry

就让秋风带走我的思念 so allow the autumn wind to flee with my yearning
带走我的泪 to depart with those salty beads that fall from my eyes
我还一直静静守候在 mutedly i remain awaiting
相约的地点 always at the agreed place

求求老天淋湿我的双眼 dear god won't you flood both eyes of mine
冰冻我的心 and chill, ice over my heart
让我不再苦苦奢求你还 so i'll no longer have to so bitterly beg for your
回来我身边 return to my side.

我身边 by my side.

; enough love

So B - O - R - I - N -G.

I can't remember the last time I've been home, just chilling in front of the compy with a pack of fags and blasting music like this.

Junkie that I am, psychologically addiction is scarier than physical. The need, oh the need.

No money no honey for others, no money no emilies for me.

I love my Ting2 Da2 and Xiao2.

Later, world.

; xiang xin wei lai

You win some, you lose some.

Life's like that.

Regained companionship with the BL bunch, almost relinquishing ties with the Parents.


I need to stop. It's burning a hole in my pocket.

But I kinda like the idea, of living in a perpetual state of muddy obscureness.


Anyway. I really gotta pee, but it's refusing to come out which is SO frustrating cos I'm in a daze right now and longing for bed.

Sian.