; apologies, glances and messed up chances

always, all ways i wanted us to be,
always all ways you and me,
and i wait here on my own
and i wait for you to see
all the time i spend alone now won't comfort me.


Only a few hours left to a brand new year, a fresh new slate

and I'm still me.

; beyond

Browsing past picture, after picture of bright crimson faces adorned with bloodshot eyes, I no longer grouse, no more grumbles of growing up too fast.

Thank god I am so over booze.

How can you not be, when your Dad presents you with a miniature glass of Martel when you're merely 7? 8? and tells you 'Everyone should learn to drink a tad. You'll need it for the clients, if not better reasons when you grow up'.

Then the infamous overdose of a bottle of it Pure, straight outta the glass flask.

Damn I will never bloody forget hurling like a little loser from 6am - 8pm at the goddamn hospital.

Life of debauchery this way, nah, not for me.

My brother's like some gangster and he doesn't touch a single sip of alcohol either. Similar, though not some melodramatic incident for him.

Oh did I mention, I won $100 at Baccarat last night. Now for another $100 to even up.

; standing at the rooftops

I'm such, such a pushover.

My family (especially my older younger brother) knows exactly what buttons to push, transfiguring me from the surly Grinch to jolly ol St. Nicholas.

So close.. yet so far.

I really wanna scream my heart out.

But for now it'll be locked in the closet. Like where it belongs.

; porcelain

sat up for hours
thoughts of a lover
i'd probably never get a chance to hold again

all of my days spent waiting for nights
with her again
again

and i'm sharing a drink with a memory
and a laugh with an empty seat

do you still look the same
will you still look at me the same

cos i know that i don't
i've gotten so old in this last few years

and i'd rather be fighting with you than
sleeping here next to her

don't let me fall i'll break
what a mess i'll make
pathetic pieces on your floor
will cut your feet forever more

you're porcelain
such fragile skin

just let me hold you
i'd be gentle
i won't drop you
this time i'll be careful

forget for just one second
that this is not alright

let's drink to feeling nothing
at least just for tonight

stay for one more
pass out on the floor
like we used to do
it got so hot in your room

and i can't let it go
this phantom pain i'm feeling

and the hurt won't leave me alone
and i'm tired of sleeping with ghosts

fell asleep with your ghost
woke up with a headache
from a cure that's only temporary
and in the morning
always fails me

; xin dong

有多久没见你
以为你在那里
原来就住在我的心底
陪伴着我的呼吸

有多远的距离
以为闻不到你的气息
谁知道你背影这么长
回头就看到你

过去让它过去
来不及
从头喜欢你
白云缠绕着蓝天

如果
不能够永远都在一起
也至少给我们
怀念的勇气
拥抱的权利
好让你明白
我心动的痕迹

总是想再见你
还试着打探你的消息
原来
你就住在我的身体
守护我的回忆

; the golden path

An angel.

Will always, always subdue the devil.

; last christmas

Christmas was unexpectedly good.

Sometimes, the best thing in life is a surprise!

AND I got to hang up my sock like a kid (only this year, I sent it by text cos I wasn't home) and received one large note in it. HEHEHE.

LCW's getting me a _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ , a perfume of my choice (I declared perfume a yearly Christmas ritual and insisted that it's traditional like turkey and log cakes so technically, it's not a present it just comes with Xmas, and yummy dinner at Dylan's workplace.

Hahaha I'm so ripping him off.

But I'm getting him a mobile if that says anything about my generosity *smirks. Considering how he treats me..

Mom announced her need for a black bag earlier. It was like, tink! Pixie dust everywhere, time to dig my claws into Dad next!

; pictures of you

Vic's 12 days of Christmas posts was hilarious! Lawl lawl lawl.

If anyone asked me what gift I'd like, offhand I would most certainly blurt out 'Hermes Birkin'. Or perhaps, 'Successful eyelid surgery with Dr Kim of Korea'.

A personal pad at Sentosa would be really nice. (click here for pictures) Salim lives at the Caribbean apartments, and it's pretty damn gorgeous. I so wish I'm a young and wealthy Indonesian affluent as well. No more wistful dreams of living at Don's apartment a stone's throw from Cine, or Chua's luxurious 6th Ave mansion.

Anyway. I need to get down and dirty with happy pills and alcohol.

And my boyfriend sucks.

; save the last dance for me

So swift, the hands of the clock,
How fleeting, the days of the calendar,

The book of 2007 is coming to a close.

Thus ends my one year hiatus within the little haven of my world.

; fucked up

I had an (almost) beautiful dream. Compared to the nightmares I get in abundance, I'm really in no position to complain.

But. FUCK.

My mom lost $1k+ in the house. Thief within these walls. I wonder who..

I searched desperately for my pack of cigs. Finally pinpointed its location after a couple of calls, then wham bam thank you mam it wasn't there!

Guess what, no guess what?

My goddamn grandmother THREW it away cos she insisted there wasn't any cig left in it!

BITCH.

FUCK I HATE LIFE.

; sorry, apologise

as life goes on, i'm starting to learn more and more about responsibility. i realise everything i do is affecting the people around me. so i wanna take this time out and apologise for things i have done, and things that have not occurred yet. and the things they don't want to take responsibility for.



it's too late to apologise, it's too late..

; over you

now that it's all said and done, i can't believe you were the one to build me up and tear me down like an old abandoned house. what you said when you left just left me cold and out of breath, i fell too far, was in way too deep, guess i let you get the best of me.

well i never saw it coming, i should've started running a long long time ago. and i never thought i'd doubt you, i'm better off without you more than you know. i'm slowly getting closure, i guess it's really over, i'm finally getting better. and now i'm picking up the pieces, i'm spending all of these years putting my heart back together.

cos the day i thought i'd never get through, i got over you.

you took a hammer to these walls, dragged the memories down the hall. packed your bags and walked away, there was nothing i could say. and when you slammed the front door shut, alot of others opened up, so did my eyes so i could see that you never were the best for me.

; my boo

The father's no smoking at home injunction is ruining my life.

Hello dude, it is no fault of ours that the youngest picked up the habit.

I mean, like, since 4/5 of the family are smokers, also 4/8 of the homo sapiens under the roof, a compromise is the only fair way to eliminate resentment and maintain familial harmony.

; if

if a picture paints a thousand words, then why can't i paint you? the words will never show, the you i've come to know.

if a face could launch a thousand ships, then where am i to go? there's no one home but you, you're all that's left me too.

and when my love for life is running dry, you come and pour yourself on me.

if a man could be two places at one time i'll be with you. tomorrow and today, beside you all the way.

if the world should stop revolving, spinning slowly down to die, i'll spend the end with you, and when the world was through.

then one by one,
the stars would all go out.

then you and i would simply.. fly.. away...

; where are you?

Where are you Christmas?

Why can't I find you? Why have you gone away?
Where is the laughter you used to bring me, why can't I hear music play?

My world is changing,
I'm rearranging.

Does that mean Christmas changes too?

Where are you Christmas,
Do you remember, the one you used to know?

I'm not the same one, see what the time's done.
Is that why you have let me go?