; deng dai

I always complain that nobody understands me, but maybe it's cos I choose to keep it all within.

Not one of you out there, even those who can claim themselves my closer friends know that 3 issues have been haunting me for the longest time.

The first, the slash, age 14.

The second, the suicide, age 14.

The third, leaving Xinmin, choosing to retain at Sec3, from then onwards, a year slower than the rest of my batch.

Ahlien days.. Haha.

Appearance wise was the typical. Nose piercing (then, there wasn't face piercing in Singapore), multiple ear holes, long rebonded hair with the bottom in the shape of a V. All by age 12. PSLE year. Lol.

Sec 1 year came with heavy make up and a tattoo. Mini skirts, skimpy tops.. you get my drift. 'Knnbccb Honggan Hor Gao Gan' comes spewing out at the slightest annoyance.

Picked up smoking, entered my first club at 14. Club 7 or Club III I think. Then Sparks and Rush. Techno was the 'In' thing la. Those 'angmoh pais' were listening to BSB, N Sync and those boyband stuff. Rnb, trance, house? - no such thing. Clubbing three times a week, I think, high on drugs every now and then.. Fights, confrontations.. Ha.

Commiting Attempting suicide was probably the dumbest thing a 14 year old kid can ever do. It permanently ruined my liver. Did you wonder about my alcohol intake? About my mild addiction to paracetomol? Yeah, I have a love-hate relationship with panadol. Can't live with it, can't live without it. My physical body has weakened drastically.

I remember how my Mom weep everytime I tell her I'm feeling cold. Me, who wore a single tee and cargoes winter in the US, China. 'We brought you up practically on chinese herbs. Birds' nest. Shakeup (I think that's what it's called? Sashimi. Mol- something honey. What for? To build your body up. Your delicate constitution now is a.. *tears*'

Leaving Xinmin was my biggest mistake. Though I was bad, alright, probably the worst girl in the Express (Higher Chinese) stream, at least I was disciplined. I never openly defied my teachers. Merely coming late, skipping school and cca (which was a very serious offence in Xinmin), not passing up homework and stuff. I had my grades up. My batch graduated with honours. 85% scored single digits for their O's. Only 3 scored above 20.

Huayi ruined my fucking life. It's the worst fucking school ever. Not the students. The teachers and the motherfucking principal. If only I discovered St Francis a year earlier. I wouldn't have wasted one precious year of my life.

And now here I am, probably failing my O's. Did you know, I was once a gifted student, selected by a nation-wide screening test to enter the GEP, the gifted program? Did you ever thought that I had trophies and medals at home, stating 1st in level, 4th in level, National Competition 1st, Service awards and all those kinda shit? I guess not. Ha. Ha. Ha.