; how long must i cry

You have no heart, and neither did I have a mind, to once give you mine.

The heart's capable of such deception it overwhelms and reduces me to a snivelling puddle of tears even a couple of days post-discovery.

Deceit, Betrayal, Infidelity cuts deeper than the sharpest knife, and though it doesn't show, the wound's bleeding, hurting more than you can ever conceive.

But guess what? After the curtains fall, and the truth comes to light, I'm still in love with you.


The first betrayal is the hardest.
The first cut is the deepest.

; my love

Uhhh okay I suddenly forgot what I wanted to blog, just that I'm feeling like I have tons to say.. but I don't know what anymore!

So envious of the BF la. I mean with this gradually reviving economy.. who still receives 1k worth of angbao money?!?! Not that it makes a difference since he hands it over to the parents for safekeeping (smart move with me around hehehe) but still!!!

We had our FIRST yes FIRST anniversary celebration after 5 months at the Brazilian rest in Sixth Ave, the one where Tony works so yippee 10% discount. Only 100++ for excellent food and terrific service, not a bad deal huh?

Many many arguements and I do realised that he's been doing alot of giving ins lately and I'm shamelessly taking advantage of it, thus making true my dad's remark of 'an inch and you want a mile'. Sorry baby. I love you!

Oh btw did you guys realised that my titles are song titles? I'm getting bored though cos I have only 815 songs in my current computer, what with Limewire and Ares down.

Online scrabble is so fun! And those online find the whatchamacallit thingy.

Gotta get down to school scouting soon. I WANT ANOTHER YEAR HERE. I know, I keep delaying going abroad which is inevitable but.. SIGH!

; post movie marathon

Hello!

I wish I have more entertaining news to spring on you guys but seriously! Just lemme get this off my chest.

WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU DESPERATES OUT THERE.

This is like the MULLEN time someone tried typing 'Leoie' in google and arrived at my blog. Disturbing shits.

Last night was movie marathon and YAY WE DIDN'T HAVE TO GO OUT AT NIGHT. We had everything planned perfectly, first I was gonna change my shirt at Paragon, LCW (that's the bf's initials la) and Tony will head to Taka to collect his LV wallet (better than his old one, at least this can fits in my photo ^^)

So after that we would have Japanese food and then head home (my home) to collect allowance from Daddy dearest. Then, MOVIE! Tony spoilt it by whining of his hunger every 5 mins, LCW ruined it by reminding me of the 10 o clock show I watch every night. So because of the show, we headed home after collecting my allowance and the stuff and dinner. No wonder Josh calls me Auntie.. revolving my life around a TVB drama serial.. *mumbles to self

Okay so Ww demanded that we head out for a movie but Tony 'charmed' her into coming over. And she bought truckloads of tidbits and you know LCW sleeps in a supersingle. So during the first movie we WEDGED it was SO TIGHT I tell you into the bed. Later, Baby dragged out the mattress for himself. -_- Sucha loner. All 4 movies we rented were good. The Prestige, Quiet (pass la), May (okay this sucks) and the Bf's - Stay Alive.

Lalala I'm lazy to type already Byebye!

; blind

Hehehe.

Some things never change, guess I'll always be a last minute sorta person, the one who goes frantically shopping on the eves of big dates -Xmas, CNY, for presents and clothes and the like.

Before that the parents got me 2 tees which I deemed 'home clothes' so they're not technically considered CNY wear. Mom was like. Ha. Right. Spanking nice new tees ain't clothes now? (in chinese which sounds even worst) Daddy dearest retorted with a 'DUH. Tees are so totally Homewear.' HAHA TAKE THAT, WOMAN.

My brother (the one in boys' home) and I get some kinda sadistic kick glee sorta thing when Dad lectures Mom good naturedly. Digressed. Where was I.

Oh yes. So pre yesterday, I had only ONE new top and ONE bottom (cos I took the other pair of shorts and deemed it casual wear hehe) and what I can't wait to wear, my very first PUSH UP BRA. Dunno leh, been kinda into this cleavage thing and nice firm round boobs.. Hmm. C cup and no cleavage.. I wonder why. Been asking Mich la, my cousin's boyfriend la, my boyfriend la.. but not one of them gave me a satisfactory answer.

K sorr I keep losing my train of thought. Uh so yesterday was like, uber CHIONGING for t3h clothes. Stupid Polo Ralph Singapore. I really really want the big pony in gold black polo. Utterly gorgeous. But it's only coming out say, April? May? Guy didn't even look apologetic. And he was all, I'm not sure if it's coming to our stores. GRRRRR. And I couldn't find the striped shirt I wanted to get to replace my lost one. I can't remember where my Mom left it. I wish she'll stop taking my stuff -_-

Bought another 'casual' top from Zara. I got kinda sick of plain sweater like v necked tops with 3/4 sleeves, I'm sure you guys know what I mean? cos I was so into them when I was 14, 15. But oh well it suits every occasion and since the boyfriend's totally in the paying mood, okay loh! Heehee.

Guess Wisma was totally sUckz0rx. Marciano was totally over the top, Jeans was.. ugly. Bebe another disappointment. I kinda you know, labelled it the 'sure can find stuff' boutique. Okay I dig that kimono but 279? Poor boyfriend lol. So no la the medium was huge and I pretended the small was a lil too big to save the bf's pocket. And there was this babydoll top with an awesome neckline (CLEAVAGE YO CLEAVAGE) but the flare made me look pregnant. Stupid designer. Or maybe I'm just fat lah. =( And this hanky top I wanted to get displayed the tattoo too prominently. Buy alr can't even wear for CNY, asking for it from the parents only lol.

Eh I blogged alot hor. Hahaha.

So I got no CNY and I was getting desperate. AX was nice, but it would totally fit into my tees = home clothes category. BCBG was closed but I saw this cute lil white dress on display. Must go back someday. Oh btw have I ever told you guys I think Mango, Topshop, Warehouse and those are totally overrated? And I kinda don't get the Forever21 craze. The quality is terrible. I'm not really a brand whore but a quality person I can't stand bad cloth.

So went to the Guess and the only nice thing was this shirtdress. But I wasn't sure if I wanted to get that cos it so wasn't my style. Bernice was all. Wah you got so decent meh lol. Decent as in SI WEN which means.. demure. Gentle?

So lanlan go Ck since all was closed. And I wanted this halter in medium, white but it was out so I had to try M, cream. AND IT WAS TOO BIG HAHAHA. SO HAPPY SO I BOUGHT WHITE S WITHOUT TRYING. But when I went home and tried it it was still too big so gotta go back change for XS. ZOMG. My first XS piece since hitting 17. So only my tummy's big la okay hehehe I don't have broad shoulders ^^

And baby rushed back to Guess which was closed, but he told the person My girlfriend like this dress la hehehehe. The manniquin had to wear jeans with it but me being a shortie as a dress it's all good.

And Dad's totally stingy. $188. God that's what I get for being his daughter for years. =_= And I was so totally psychoing him into my 6 per angbao theory but he laughed and stuck with minimum 12. -_- Whatever happened to save the angbaos for jovina fund.

Stupid man.

; never a right time to say goodbye

Seriously over-eating these days, I've no idea why.

I've pin-pointed it to being at the boyfriend's, since it's over there when I feel hungry 24/7 and stuff myself with all the junk, besides heading out to dinner and supper.

But now I'm home and I don't know why, I had dinner at 12am last night, and though I wasn't in the least hungry I cooked noodles and downed them just to have something else to do whilst I was reading.

And for breakfast, I had Kokokrunch, half a plate of instant pasta (those you cook with butter which is absofuckinlutely creamy and thus sinful) and I was effing bloated but I still stuff myself with a single cookie.

Now I feel sick.

And Erik's not making it any better by suggesting that I might be pregnant. Oh the horror, I tell you. Chinese New Year, and all the goodies like ba kwa mini prawn rolls chocs aren't helping either.

; sirens

I've always abhorred personal attacks and cheap shots and this has nothing to do with me at all.

Okay, maybe it was my big mouth for telling it to my boyfriend who published it despite my mild (hello for someone i loathed with all my heart and soul then, mild already means I have a conscience) protest, but Wanwin's whinings of 'You two fucking got me into alot of trouble' and 'Jona hates me even Jona fucking hates me' is seriously driving me insane.

And I thought everything was over, and I can live in peace now.

Calvin requested the removal before the victim woke up to save him unnecessary troubles of her complaining and everything. So I deleted the entry from the boyfriend's blog, for a friend's convenience.

I don't know how Ww got involved in all of this and why she thinks people are blaming her or anything.

No names were mentioned, so why tense, everyone?

So sickening. I can't wait for the simple ang bao collecting days ahead. 18. Should wheedle $818 ang bao from Dad this year. Mom's ang bao can make it 1k! Think I'm daydreaming Haha I would be lucky if he hands out $500 and Mom, $200 this year. Stingy people.

Dad's the dumbest ass in the world, his minimum ang bao was $20! Yeah, even to the condo's security guards and those nasty lil kids my lil bro brings home. Goodness. I heard on some radio station that the average red packet's $4! Geesh. I'm so gonna convince him of my $6 theory this year. Except to my friends la they're good people hehehe. Then the excess can go to me!

; discovery channel

When darkness turns to light, it ends tonight, it ends tonight..


Tensions ran high. But clearing of the air brought to light many truths, and untruths. But it's all good now, or at least I hope.

They say ignorance is bliss, and perhaps it was, but harmony after resolve is so much more.

Calvin was right. -oh btw, I've removed what you requested from the Bf's (:

"She has her faults, and I'm not unaware that she's flawed and imperfect, but then, who is a form of perfection?"

I guess many involved are reading this.

To the one whom I've ridiculed and scorned in my blog, I'm sorry, Jenn.

Besides her, I don't think I've let down or done anything nasty to anyone else. Truth is, regarding my own issue, I called the direct accused (yeah the one I live half a week with) to clarify, and that was all I did. The big 'trouble' arouse out of other problems which was probably long in the making, simply awaiting a slightly more severe catalyst to set them off.

One more thing, it's fine to bear grudges, Mister, but honestly. A grudge bore long after a rejection is plain stupid.

Okay, scratch that, I forgot this was supposed to be a peace and harmony for the win post.

To you, the cat fights have strained ties to the point of no return, but polite ignorance would perhaps be a better alternative to hostile ignorance. Your best friend convinced me of this one.

Yknow, I like to think I'm a 'feeling' person. Though I might view a person with dislike and disdain, I remember that growing pains are shared by all of us. I think I've blogged this before, can't remember.

Point is, I don't really care if anyone has issues with me whom he or she refuses to address, but on my side, it's all over now. Yeah, I'm no longer even gonna whine about the lies and words put into my mouth which makes me the victim of 'everybody's' hatred. It's stupid, and I've got better things to do with my life.

; just for you

Truce.

Side note, I'm sorry for the snide comments and cheap shots, Calv.

; in my shoes

In all honesty, I feel beastly being unkind about this issue.

A lil guilty, but certainly not ashamed.

But how can you possibly blame me?

Hospitalised twice, numerous failed attempts, I know the trend clearer than the palm of my hand. More a cry for help, dears. Sherrie, a clubbing acquaintance of mine 3 or 4 years back made it first try. RIP, babe. So did another friend.

A favourite poem of mine begins with;
Because I could not stop for Death, he kindly stopped for me.

Don't worry, if you truly seek Death, he will, like a true gentleman, stop for you in his carriage of Immortality.

So I deem your act- immature, worthless (to retain a love, perhaps useful then), attention-seeking behaviour. Especially after your malicious or was it simply the need to gossip? deed.

"Eh she depressed lah, don't go disturb her."
"She depressed can anyhow say things meh?" -quotes Bernice.

Agree, naught? I'm finally off my medication for diagnosed clinical depression after 4 years. Does that give me special rights and privileges? Like, "Hey I'm depressed, so YO I CAN BE A BITCH AND YOU GUYS HAVE TO CLOSE AN EYE TO WHATEVER I DO."

I shouldn't be judgemental but depressed? *snickers. Sad, sure, like, 'I'm so sad my boyfriend broke up with me' or similar issues but somehow 'I'm so depressed, he broke up with me probably cos I'm a pathological rumour monger?' Sounds wrong, doesn't it?

Being nastier than I feel, Angry, cos this originally trivial case has led to a potentially bigger one that dug up old wounds. But fuck it, I'm sick and tired of it. Three sides to a story, yours, mine and the truth. Believe whatever you want from the mouth of a single one, I don't really care. Oh and judging from the scenerio above. "Hi, I've been depressed for four years. I see a psychistrist. I take anti depressants. I suffer from paranoia, so yay, I have a legitimate reason to forbid my boyfriend from talking to her, so just get over it?" Ha. Can? The latter, I reiterate is UNTRUE. Just ask my boyfriend lah. Geesh.

I wonder if I'm fuming, hurting, or chuckling.

Go away, sympathy, empathy. She deserves none.

; everton vs blackburn

[Quote Tony's grandma-

You're evil! (insert name) was a good man, so he died. But you're evil so you can't die!]


Haha.

Guess that's why you won't die, bitch. (: But hmm. You can always try again, maybe you'll make it some day. Hint; You can die if you really want to. Just jump of the building. But then your organs can't be harvested.. Oh how can I forget? I think people would rather have kidney failure than use yours, since it's probably poisoned with all your nasty thoughts. (don't ask me why you have thoughts in your kidney, I can't fathom the body system of an evil being.)

I do feel a slight SLIGHT twinge on my conscience for being so vitriolic, but hey, I think these words are fully justified, and I haven't even reached the slut to a wonderful guy's part yet.

On the other hand, if I do discover the truth, that I misunderstood you in any way, I am fully willing to apologise for my misconception. I hope that's what I'll realise, but sadly, I highly doubt it.


And to the rest,

Scheming, Cunning, Conniving, kaypoh people,

Sorry to disappoint, I am on perfectly good terms with my boyfriend's sister. I see her 4 days a week, from the time I wake up and head to the shower, to when I'm lying down, about to turn in for the night. And too bad, so sad, we seriously do not hate each other.

So fuck off please.

Oh and yeah, thanks for the concern over cum on the bed, I have a wonderful, healthy sex life with my boyfriend, so bite me. It's amazing how pathetic people's lives are, that they have to resort to gossip about cums on beds.

; emoooooooooooooo

Who the fuck gets 16 points for 4 subjects?

Only me.

I guess we can't get the best of both worlds. What did I expect, a miracle when I studied the day before the exam itself? Ha. Ha. Ha.

Not that my results make a difference since I never thought of going mainstream, but still. Now I've wasted two years of my life. Why did I bother striving to take my O's anyway? Left XMS, 15, should have gone straight abroad. Would be in college with Raes now. Grrrrrrrrrrrrr.

; deng dai

I always complain that nobody understands me, but maybe it's cos I choose to keep it all within.

Not one of you out there, even those who can claim themselves my closer friends know that 3 issues have been haunting me for the longest time.

The first, the slash, age 14.

The second, the suicide, age 14.

The third, leaving Xinmin, choosing to retain at Sec3, from then onwards, a year slower than the rest of my batch.

Ahlien days.. Haha.

Appearance wise was the typical. Nose piercing (then, there wasn't face piercing in Singapore), multiple ear holes, long rebonded hair with the bottom in the shape of a V. All by age 12. PSLE year. Lol.

Sec 1 year came with heavy make up and a tattoo. Mini skirts, skimpy tops.. you get my drift. 'Knnbccb Honggan Hor Gao Gan' comes spewing out at the slightest annoyance.

Picked up smoking, entered my first club at 14. Club 7 or Club III I think. Then Sparks and Rush. Techno was the 'In' thing la. Those 'angmoh pais' were listening to BSB, N Sync and those boyband stuff. Rnb, trance, house? - no such thing. Clubbing three times a week, I think, high on drugs every now and then.. Fights, confrontations.. Ha.

Commiting Attempting suicide was probably the dumbest thing a 14 year old kid can ever do. It permanently ruined my liver. Did you wonder about my alcohol intake? About my mild addiction to paracetomol? Yeah, I have a love-hate relationship with panadol. Can't live with it, can't live without it. My physical body has weakened drastically.

I remember how my Mom weep everytime I tell her I'm feeling cold. Me, who wore a single tee and cargoes winter in the US, China. 'We brought you up practically on chinese herbs. Birds' nest. Shakeup (I think that's what it's called? Sashimi. Mol- something honey. What for? To build your body up. Your delicate constitution now is a.. *tears*'

Leaving Xinmin was my biggest mistake. Though I was bad, alright, probably the worst girl in the Express (Higher Chinese) stream, at least I was disciplined. I never openly defied my teachers. Merely coming late, skipping school and cca (which was a very serious offence in Xinmin), not passing up homework and stuff. I had my grades up. My batch graduated with honours. 85% scored single digits for their O's. Only 3 scored above 20.

Huayi ruined my fucking life. It's the worst fucking school ever. Not the students. The teachers and the motherfucking principal. If only I discovered St Francis a year earlier. I wouldn't have wasted one precious year of my life.

And now here I am, probably failing my O's. Did you know, I was once a gifted student, selected by a nation-wide screening test to enter the GEP, the gifted program? Did you ever thought that I had trophies and medals at home, stating 1st in level, 4th in level, National Competition 1st, Service awards and all those kinda shit? I guess not. Ha. Ha. Ha.

illegal

You said you would love me until you die, as far as I know you're still alive.
I'm starting to believe, it should be illegal to deceive a woman's heart.


Great track from Shakira, don't you think? Go check it out.

I'm having a dreadful cough. Incessantly, for the past 3 days, and it doesn't seem to be getting any better. Now it hurts my tummy just to cough. Poor Jov. =(

My cousin is seeing this new guy and well, I overheard her telling him she was kinda envious of me and the 'cute' -her words, not mine, relationship I have with my boyfriend (we were teasing squabbling on the other phone)

It struck me that what seems to me a lil mundane and typical would, in the eyes of another be warm and sillyishly loving. Maybe I'm just asking for the world. Cos I whined about the ring issue and she was all. Hello, maybe he doesn't like buying rings. What difference does it make? Maybe I'm making a deal outta the symbolism behind the ring, you know, Commitment and that kinda stuff. To her it's merely a material asset. Hmm.

But I really want a ring what.. I never had one with a boyfriend despite the fact that I can use both my hands and feet and I'll still need both Michie's hands to finish counting the BF list.

Me, I'm missing the dating stage, the getting to know you part, and everything. I remember the seeing each other period, and the a lil 'steadier' time. So sweet. Guess this is what love's all about, I'm not bored with the boyfriend, no, but yknow, after the honeymoon comes reality.

'Don't, you'll ruin it' seems a million lifetimes away.

; the one i love

I always had this lil suspicion that REDS are, after the make-up, the culprit of my nasty major breakout last year. Now I'm certain.

I haven't had a single zit in the longest while, then since I started smoking this packet of Reds Kenneth bought by accident, wham bam alakazam, MAJOR BREAK OUT I HAVE LIKE THREE OR FOUR ZITS NOW AND ONE'S THOSE NASTY HUGE FLABBY ONES THAT CAN'T BE POPPED.

Urgh can you imagine my frustration!

Fuck Reds, Lights for the win.

I'm very grouchy cos I had less than half an hour's sleep since the afternoon the day before. Feeling fully capable of biting anyone who has the misfortune to get in my path.

; some chinese old schl song

I can't sign into MSN!

And a second ago I couldn't manage to burp which I want to really badly but I just did hehehe. Such satisfaction from being able to burp.. Lofl.

I tell you ah. I have the best boyfriend ever. Yeah so don't believe my wacky grumbles of how the boyfriend SUCK and everything. I probably meant he sucks my neck really nicely or something.. Hahahaha!

Only you will be able to make me change my past ideals of polygamy. I WANNA MARRY YOU AND HAVE MANY PRETTY BABIES. AND I DON'T WANNA HAVE AFFAIR WITH AN OLD MAN WITH NO KIDS WHO'LL DIE IN TWO YEARS AND I CAN GET ALL HIS MONEY!

Oh babyyyyy.

And to all the guys in 2006 before I met my current boyfriend. Thank you for not working out with me otherwise I couldn't have met my LOVEEEEE.

Though you fucking infuriate me and make me BOIL at times.. I fucking love you la.