I Wasn't Asking For The World

; and i'm sharing a dream with a memory

2008-04-07T03:57:00.002+08:00

Time to get some accounting done and away with.

Vevian - 150 000
XiaoXiang - 15 000
Kunlong - 120 000
Tingting - 20 000

Yay. I should just tread in the shoes of Ahlongs of the world and start splashing paint and cutting wires just for the fun of it.

And I so need to lose 5 or is it 7 kilos now so I can live up to what I said and pursue thus scaring the hell outta the man of my dreams (only, I'm almost totally over him.)

Hahaha.

I've got almost exactly two months left to TP and a thousand more lessons to clear. My lazy ass is burning a hole in my chair but I'm not moving.

HA, Ting stuck her nose all accusatory like to the moniter - 'Can you stop blogging about him?' The smug smirk on my face when she saw the neat column of figures.

Oooh, someone's been spreading stories on how I'm his ex girlfriend! Teeheehee. Self-satisfied grin again.

Forgive my mindless ramblings. I'm bored and sleepy, bad combination that comes along everytime gloomy Monday comes skipping up.

; a pill to make you dumb

2008-04-06T09:08:00.002+08:00

I'm suffocating, every moment it gets harder to breathe and I don't know why.

Maybe it's every fiery exchange of brutal lashes we hurl at each other.
Maybe it's how I feel sick in the gut to imagine you happy without me.

There's this constant ache in my heart, and I feel the heaviest stone of the world weighing upon my chest.

Heartache is this physical. =(

So the player got played..

; everyone's looking round thinking i'm going crazy

2008-04-05T22:09:00.002+08:00

You baby me.
You partner me.
You toy me.
You break me.

Your words, Rino.

You started.
You played.
You lied.
You ended.

Mine.

; the unit number of heaven's a question mark

2008-04-03T23:51:00.002+08:00

Manwhore.

Jolyne huh.

So stop denying you played, lied and cheated on me, BASTARD.

Quit mindfucking me with your 'Don't make me say things to hurt you which I never do to hurt you'.

I was blind, maybe I tripped, but I'm past caring now.

Fuckface.

; still feel the pain everytime i hear your name

2008-04-03T07:21:00.003+08:00

Cuddling over at his place days ago, I was mysteriously overwhelmed with an inexplicable attack of deja vu.

That he would be the B.K of two years ago.

I would be blessed by the arrows of Cupid with what I secretly desired, then, those sweet moments would end as fleetly as winged doves. Not by my choice.

The inevitable has fallen.

Now I'm only praying two years later, I wouldn't be feeling for him the way I occasionally still feel for B.K.

; if only tears could bring you back

2008-04-02T20:26:00.002+08:00

ﻝ Φ ﻛ ђ says:
JOV

ﻝ Φ ﻛ ђ says:
mm thanks for being there esp those nights. gna be quite shitty when you leave. and then im like
rawr, like pressure cooker with damn pressure cos there's no one.

mm love you loads for always trying to help over the phone. thanks for all the calllls. late night calls, accidental calls, lame calls, 5 mins calls, studying calls, illgeals calls. made my life so much more interesting, what bout yours? talking confiding,listening,advising,trying hahaha. and all others we ve done that ive left out.

im so grateful cos youre always there somehow, and you nvr fail to cheer me up again, and i knw i always have you to turn to kkkk i jst want to thank you for the wonderful friendship we ve
had so far and i hope it will last. youre special and will always be and i am definitely unafraid to say i love you cos i really do!

some nights ago, i made this promise, tht you will be the rad kid josh, amongst all the joshs tht
i knw and will remember plus love the most.

ﻝ Φ ﻛ ђ says:
guess who wrote this

joviee.* shawty is a killaaaaa. says:
that girl?

ﻝ Φ ﻛ ђ says:
it was u

joviee.* shawty is a killaaaaa. says:
.

joviee.* shawty is a killaaaaa. says:
since when do i use language like

joviee.* shawty is a killaaaaa. says:
rad

joviee.* shawty is a killaaaaa. says:
DUDE

joviee.* shawty is a killaaaaa. says:
WHAT RAD SIA

ﻝ Φ ﻛ ђ says:
duno

joviee.* shawty is a killaaaaa. says:
and what's with rawr

ﻝ Φ ﻛ ђ says:
i saved it

joviee.* shawty is a killaaaaa. says:
i was thinking dude probably some ij girl

joviee.* shawty is a killaaaaa. says:
HAHA

; awaiting your promised future

2008-04-02T11:35:00.002+08:00

I am absolutely disgusted and appalled by my actions last night.

And horrified at what I've done since Monday.

All for a guy whom I've known for what, 10 days?!

The ironic thing is, it took a healthy dosage of Martell, Emily, Kelly and Ivy to rouse me from my state of what can only be called utter pathetic-ation.

I still wonder, though.

Who was right, and who wrong? Did I make a mistake of losing a potential true love? (highly unlikely), or did I save myself by forcing the situation to a halt thus eradicating the chances of future hurt.

I guess this will just have to go down on the list of 'The things you never knew'.

; don't say you love me

2008-03-31T14:00:00.003+08:00

WHY oh WHY are all the guys in my life so into victimizing themselves?

And bitching about me on their Friendsters, Msn nicknames, etc.

Blame the victim, sure, push it all to me.

I'M THE GODDAMN LOSER SUFFERING FROM BEING PLAYED OUT.

ME OKAY?!

I'M THE GODDAMN VICTIM.

; drive me crazy

2008-03-31T08:01:00.001+08:00

Reminisce.

August17, 2006. Post title, *Lullaby.

It's pretty damn hard to believe, that after almost 2 years, he's still the one who can make my heart beat faster, and slower, all at the same time.

So beautiful it's tragic.

And crap, I realised my standard of writing has deteriorated drastically. How did I come up with those proses in the past?

; fall in love tonight under the orange county sky

2008-03-29T16:58:00.002+08:00

I must be getting old,

Cos those mind games I used to indulge and even excel in, less than a week and they're wearing me out, bringing me down.

I wish I can, for the first bloody time in my life, love someone wholeheartedly, give him my all - no strings attached. Without paranoia about him using me for whatever reasons, or fear of loss, hurt and pain.

If I love again, I don't wanna hold back. But then, once again,

If I love, I'll only be hurting as much as I love.

; lets get these teen hearts beating faster

2008-03-28T13:01:00.001+08:00

Temporary blinded but now it's clearer than clear to me.

Nobody's fool, especially not yours.

; tell me, how much for your love?

2008-03-26T22:41:00.002+08:00

I seriously can't stand people who mind fucks me.

; so bring on the rain

2008-03-22T12:59:00.003+08:00

There's nothing I dread less than a conflict, especially among those whom I still crack smiles for when I reminisce happy moments and more than often harbor tender thoughts of.

Oh well.

Monetary issues are always sensitive, (yeah like who doesn't know?) and I hereby announce I'll never again be sucha pushover and allow callous nonsensity like 'Pay you later k?' only to have me still not seeing no dough weeks after.

I mean, I understand, there'll always be predicaments ; dilemmas, but so conveniently EVERYONE forgets that Hello, ME TOO!!!!!!

Guess what, I'm declaring myself OFFICIALLY BROKE.

Thanks to all who contributed to the 'Jovina has $0 (not fucking joking) in her pockets because she has to cough up money to cover for those bad debts' deed. THANKS.

I pawned my fucking PSP already. Tell me what's next, my phone?

; still hooked on you

2008-03-20T10:19:00.002+08:00

So, Jurong HQ on Monday.

My oh my.

I feel like I'm 14 all over again. I mean, the pieces all fit like how a hand slips into a custom-made glove, or a body into a well tailored suit.

Happening days that to be honest, I'd rather not relieve. I'd pick boring over busy anytime.

Oh Kelly, you're boring me out.. where's good ol' Em when you need her? :( :( :(

If only life could be simple, and I could simply dial 8 numbers and go 'Hey, guess what? I've been in love with you since Day 1, 2 years ago?' without the severe repercussions I never wanna face.

; you should be in the blueprint of my future

2008-03-19T11:27:00.003+08:00

Successfully I've estranged myself from the tempting mistress of Mass, Baccarat.

Breaking up with Ellery's the difficult part, along with the renowned Kai and elusive Iain, seductive and barely out of reach.

I wish I can peel away this mask, this false facade of indomitable strength I've impressed upon everyone. I'm not oh-fucking-kay. But the charade, the show must go on.

Oh yes, I'm the great Pretender.

p.s Again, it's NOT about YOU, cockroach. *sniffs disgustedly, the very thought of you brings upon a bad smell in the air.

; miss our midnight rides on highway 18

2008-03-16T08:37:00.002+08:00

Need for speed.

It's funny how you outgrown the giggly bike craze most girls go through in their early teens, only to have it replaced by a more materialistic want for comfy four wheelers, and now for me,

Back to square one.

; ride on a meteorite

2008-03-10T21:48:00.002+08:00

Party over.

Dope. No shit.

(p.s - I'll like the world, especially some KPOs, to know that the SOLE reason for my down-and-out-ness is my BROTHER'S ARREST, and nothing else.)

; if you keep on taking you'll be breaking

2008-03-10T02:38:00.002+08:00

Anticipation bringing forth both anxiety and restlessness.

HOUSE PARTAY AT SIX AM!

Euros. Butterflies. Chanels. Loves.

; bound by the life you left behind

2008-03-09T17:06:00.002+08:00

I'm being an outright flake and making a complete mess outta my life once again.

And I really couldn't care less.

Times like this, I hate the world, I truly do.

; who will i run to when autumn doesn't return?

2008-03-09T03:27:00.005+08:00

you were the one who i could tell my deepest fears
and you were the one who always wiped away my tears

so now i've lost everything
cos now you say you're gone forever more

so who will i
who will i run to?
who will i turn to?
now that you left me behind
who will dry my tears when i cry?
now that you're not here in my life?

cos i would give anything
cos i want you back forever more

And I thought I was beyond crying.

You know,
when it hurts, when you hurt so goddamn bad, when you're bleeding so deep from inside

You just don't cry anymore.

That's the maximus of Pain.
The zenith of Grief and Sorrow.

Words, tears, those traditional tools of expression are worthless, meaningless.

But to sum it all up, I miss I need I want my brother back by my side.

初秋的天冰冷的夜 autumn's first, the freezing dusk
回忆慢慢袭来 reawakened images that're memories
真心的爱就像落叶 deep true love resembling fallen leaves
为何却要分开 why do they have to fall and part?

灰色的天独自彷徨 the dull grey expanse of bleak sky, the solitary cheerlessness
城市的老地方 the old place we used to go
真的孤单走过忧伤 stark lonliness, melancholia's company
心碎还要逞强 a broken heart faking a smile

想为你披件外衣 if only i could place a sweater upon you
天凉要爱惜自己 it's cold, please do take care of yourself
没有人比我更疼你 nobody loves you more than i do

告诉你在每个 if i could i'll let you know
想你的夜里 in every sleepless night, mind occupied with only you
我哭的好无力 how desperately i cry

就让秋风带走我的思念 so allow the autumn wind to flee with my yearning
带走我的泪 to depart with those salty beads that fall from my eyes
我还一直静静守候在 mutedly i remain awaiting
相约的地点 always at the agreed place

求求老天淋湿我的双眼 dear god won't you flood both eyes of mine
冰冻我的心 and chill, ice over my heart
让我不再苦苦奢求你还 so i'll no longer have to so bitterly beg for your
回来我身边 return to my side.

我身边 by my side.

; enough love

2008-03-07T16:51:00.002+08:00

So B - O - R - I - N -G.

I can't remember the last time I've been home, just chilling in front of the compy with a pack of fags and blasting music like this.

Junkie that I am, psychologically addiction is scarier than physical. The need, oh the need.

No money no honey for others, no money no emilies for me.

I love my Ting2 Da2 and Xiao2.

Later, world.

; xiang xin wei lai

2008-03-02T07:30:00.002+08:00

You win some, you lose some.

Life's like that.

Regained companionship with the BL bunch, almost relinquishing ties with the Parents.

I need to stop. It's burning a hole in my pocket.

But I kinda like the idea, of living in a perpetual state of muddy obscureness.

Anyway. I really gotta pee, but it's refusing to come out which is SO frustrating cos I'm in a daze right now and longing for bed.

Sian.

; hero

2008-02-28T08:04:00.002+08:00

Three consecutive days of 'Shakeshake' is taking a major toll on my both my health and mental state.

I'm bloody exhausted, but I don't feel like turning in yet.

Tommy might have to leave.. =( All of us are trying our best to save his ass, but our best.. isn't working at all.

I think I might just take off till Friday. That motivation and drive I had two weeks earlier have since dissipated.

Ahhh the dirty kick is on and off. Bloody annoying. But I think I'm getting psychologically hooked. Despite the screwed up comedown.

2nd cup of orange juice to replenish my worn out system, but damn the house is outta bananas.

Haha, I do my research before it all yah?

I'm still dizzy and I think I'll turn in after I managed the drink and a leak.

; thunder

2008-02-25T12:42:00.002+08:00

Well, You've won again, God.

I'm down and out and back to my junkie ways. Did it all go the way you planned?

Think about the numerous blows you've dealt me with, since 2008 begun. And I've conquered them one by one, growing stronger and older, but you couldn't let me keep it that way.

You must really hate me.

; All By Myself

2008-02-19T03:24:00.004+08:00

我讨厌阴天的风冷得那么刺痛
只有你能够抚平所有的寂寞

昨天的风筝在角落被谁丢到了路口
我很不想让你找到离开的理由

每一夜　闭上眼睛我看到了恶梦
你微笑　但是旁边的人不是我

天空切开一道裂缝直接割到我心中
不想装作脆弱也不想爱得懦弱

其实我非常爱你不想失去你
难道我没有权利说我不愿意
你给了他的吻虽然只有余温
可知道我多渴望抓住你的心

我知道他很爱你你怕他伤心
我每天假装开心害怕你离去

可不可以任性
求求你不要去

藏在我心里　最后一句
其实很爱你

-

分手到底是不是你要的结果
给不了我太多还不准我难过

不知道是为了什么
还要把你无力的爱
记得那么多
怎么放手

也许上天安排你我擦身而过
我明白和你的爱不可能会有结果

你留下泛黄的承诺要我抱着你的双手
流着泪不准你走说我贱我也无话可说

连哭都是我的错
在你面前还要我怎么做
我看见你们拥抱还一笑而过
沉默是我的错

连哭都是我的错
空房间独自等待着日落
爱没有进入身体已经太执着
爱你是我错
连结束也是我的错

-
是否对你承诺了太多还是我原本给的就不够
你始终有千万种理由我一直都跟随你的感受
让你疯让你去放纵以为你有天会感动
关于流言我装作无动于衷

直到所有的梦已破碎才看见你的眼泪和后悔
我是多想再给你机会多想问你究竟爱谁
既然爱难分是非就别逃避勇敢面对
给了他的心你是否能够要得回

怎么忍心怪你犯了错
是我给你自由过了火
让你更寂寞才会陷入感情漩涡
怎么忍心让你受折磨
是我给你自由过了火
如果你想飞伤痛我背

; the truth about heaven

2008-02-18T12:17:00.002+08:00

i came down here to tell you, it rains in heaven all day along.
i wanna find you so bad, and let you know;
i'm miserable up here without you.

And I thought I'd it all. Well, not all all naturally since my MIA status from the world and the BU with the XBF, but enough to keep my head above water.

I wasn't prepared for the sudden attack.

Now I only want my family to stay so happy together. Is that so much to ask, ~~dear~~ God? And people wonder why I'm silent atheist.

; poison perfume

2008-02-18T03:42:00.002+08:00

Nana (old Momo), Dragonfly.

Alcohol, accidents.

Forgetting, falling.

Bed.

; my heroine

2008-02-15T04:11:00.003+08:00

the drugs being to peak, a smile of joy arrives in me.
but sedation changes to panic and nausea,
and breath starts to shorten
and heartbeats pound softer
you won't try to save me!
you just want to hurt me and leave me desperate!

you taught my heart, a sense i never knew i had.
i can forget, the times that i was
lost and depressed from the awful truth.
how do you do that?
you're my heroine.

you won't leave me alone!
chisel my heart out of stone, i give in everything.

You won't leave me alone!
Chisel my heart out of stone, I give in everytime.

i bet you laugh at the thought of me thinking for myself.
i bet you believe that i'm better off with you than someone else.
your face arrives again, all hope i had becomes surreal.
but under your covers, more torture than pleasure
and just past your lips there's more anger than laughter.
not now or forever will i ever change you,
i know that to go on, i'll break you my habit!

i'll save myself!

; let me die

2008-02-15T03:43:00.000+08:00

I don't know why but I'm in a major /slashwrist mood.

Let me die, now.

; nan ren nu ren

2008-02-13T02:37:00.000+08:00

To prevent myself from smacking Kelly that's in my possesion but not mine, I've handed it over to the Sis for safekeeping. So close to fucking away all the promises I made in front of Andy and Leikong but thankfully.

Self control. Self control. Self control.

Relentless, reckless gambling like my own will only lead to a complete loss of dignity for a girl. Ditto those Happy Pills I both yearn and fear.

So it's N A D A for now.

Since the hectic trip to Thai, staying home's been leaving me restless and edgy. Maybe the ol' Jov's emerging again. Oh remember Joshua, clubbing queen, only fifteen?

Anyhootsss...

Work's been mindless fun the last couple of days. A little quieter without Nick no doubt but a lil more peace on the ear too. Haha! I'm like, a makeshift clown for Bryan and Tommy la.

Klutzy me.

; thunder

2008-02-12T06:11:00.000+08:00

today is a winding road tt's taking me t places tt i didn't want t go
whoa, whoa
today in the blink of an eye i'm holding on t something and i do not know why
i tried

i tried t read between the lines
i tried t look in your eyes
i want a simple explanation for what i'm feeling inside
i gotta find a way out
maybe there's a way out

your voice was the soundtrack of my summer
do you know you're unlike any other
you'll always be my thunder,
and i said

your eyes are the brightest of all the colors
i don't wanna ever love another
you'll always be my thunder
so bring on the rain
and bring on the thunder

today is a winding road
tell me where t start and tell me something i don't know
whoa whoa

today i'm on my own
i can't move a muscle and i can't pick up the phone
i don't know i don't know i don't know

and now i'm itching for the tall grass
and longing for the breeze
i need t step outside just t see if i can breathe

i gotta find a way out
maybe there's a way out

yeah i'm walking on a tightrope
i'm wrapped up in vines
i think we'll make it out
but you gotta give me time
strike me down with lightning
let me feel your veins
i wanna let you know how much i feel your pain

Yeah I'm walking on a tightrope
I'm wrapped up in vines
I think we'll make it out
But you just gotta give me time
Strike me down with lightning
Let me feel you in my veins
I wanna let you know how much I feel your pain

so bring on the rain
oh baby bring on the pain
and listen to the thunder

; breathe again

2008-02-11T06:15:00.000+08:00

I'm so much stronger than both you and I thought I'd be.

Too used to suicidal tendencies, I didn't realise I've outgrown it long, long ago and left it all far far behind.

If only I knew, maybe the prolonged pain (and a certain level of bliss, undeniable) would have ended way before.

Back from Thailand!

I really wanted that ultra cool pair of Vivienne Westwood specs, but Dad threw a fit at the hefty pricetag (500SGD). When the Mom managed to convince him, sorry little girl, we're flying home.

Was in such a rush, I missed out the GG belt I've wanted for ages (dutyfree!)

The loot? Ugh, 3 perfumes (dutyfree again!), a CK and Playboy set of lingerie, a Warcoal that didn't fit (HEY I'M 34D NOW SUCKAS!) and the Gem: Guerlain travel palette! (makeup, for the oblivious)

Pretty pathetic huh?

Anyway I'm scent mad now so I'm gonna list it all.

-CK Eternity Moment
-YSL Babydoll (yes again!)
-HugoBoss Intense (yes again, again!)
-HugoBoss Energise (bro)
-DKNY Be Delicious (lil bro)
-Dior Miss Dior Cherie (sis)

The sista got herself a Lancome blusher (everyone go WOW). This from a girl who stands firmly by drugstore brands!

Guilty point: Missed Andy's Absolute Disco cos DAD claimed that since he paid for my airticket, he and not my friend's entitled to the perks that come with it. *roll eyes

I'm gonna go reply Lk and Nicholas now.

; tranquility

2008-02-06T00:21:00.000+08:00

Is that too much to ask for?

The past couple of weeks was a complete and utter pandemonium I'll give my arm, no make that two arms, never to have to relieve.

2008 came strutting along in this snappy little package- more driving lessons, happy pills, minor room renovation, the break up, china relations' arrival, maid's departure and the Thailand trip just a day away.

God, did I mention, it's only February?

I need to catch my breath before I just jump down and SUA SUA KI.

Seriously.

; lian ku dou shi wo de cuo

2008-02-03T02:31:00.000+08:00

分手到底是不是你要的结果
给不了我太多还不准我难过
不知道是为了什么
还要把你无力的爱记得那么多
怎么放手

也许上天安排你我擦身而过
我明白和你的爱不可能会有结果
你留下泛黄的承诺
要我抱着你的双手流着泪不准你走
说我贱也无话可说

连哭都是我的错
在你面前还要我怎么做
我看见你们拥抱还一笑而过
沉默是我的错
连哭都是我的错
空房间独自等待着日落
爱没有进入身体已经太执着
爱你是我的错连结束也是我的错

也许上天安排你我擦身而过
我明白和你的爱不可能会有结果
你留下泛黄的承诺
要我抱着你的双手流着泪不准你走
说我贱也无话可说

连哭都是我的错
在你面前还要我怎么做
我看见你们拥抱还一笑而过
沉默是我的错
连哭都是我的错
空房间独自等待着日落
爱没有进入身体已经太执着
爱你是我的错连结束也是我的错

连哭都是我的错
空房间独自等待着日落
爱没有进入身体已经太执着
爱你是我的错连结束也是我的错

; miracle

2008-01-22T03:40:00.000+08:00

HEY WORLD,

bloody msn is screwing up on me when i need a little company. not gonna bother with the caps lock and all cos i'm half lost now. hahaha. bear with me, symptoms kicking in.

burn mother fucker, burn burn burn!

smoking more than i have in a long time, been seriously considering kicking the habit cos i haven't been feeling the urge and everything lately.

didn't realise i've changed my template again. cbox is too tedious to trifle around with so screw it.

okay la, lazy to type.

have a good time y'all!

; faye's song

2008-01-20T05:18:00.000+08:00

Wow, I can hardly believe how sporadic, random, and appallingly short my entries have been. I don't know, perhaps I'm just too much of a sloth these days, writing's become more of a chore than the blameless release I'd usually be grateful for.

See, I'm slouching on Le Chwee's very uncomfortable excuse of a chair, my fingers hesitant on the keyboard. As soon as I'm done, I'm off for a nicotine break.

Friday night, Saturday and just before daybreak on Sunday, I'm homesick already. I wanna get back home to my Babygirl, the Bros + the Cuz, my sweet and round Longan.

For those ever inquiring on my mental state, I'm good. Naturally, I'm not thrilled with the New Year's arrival and the sickening applications of resolutions you don't expect to keep but just have to make, but neither am I the least bit disturbed. Or unhappy. I guess the key word right now's Equilibrium.

I wonder if that exclusive little bunch I consider, True finds the term Soft spot, familiar? Doesn't it so suck to know the one your heart can't help but bleeds and shed simultaneously for is a complete and utter bastard? A no good fellow?

I'd hung out with a ghost of my past a few weeks back, and I was awed by how easy it was to chill and joke, and how history seemed to fade away while we were making new ones. Fresh images replaced the flashes that haunted, only this time the visions were pleasant, but ironically, more painful.

Intimacies of the flesh then, strangers were the beings whilst the bodies entwined in fiery embraces. Present they shared a laugh, a drink, not unlike.. Friends? Loathe the word.

Over and done with this overdone reverie.

Time to POP JI KI (LMAO OLD SCHOOL SIOL), and hopefully, POP JI LIAP tomorrow.

; the golden path

2008-01-17T21:15:00.000+08:00

Shake shake, shake shake.

That's the life!

; what's left of right?

2008-01-12T05:47:00.000+08:00

All my life I've stuck my nose up at the Poly route. Don't get me wrong, I don't think I'm too good for it, just that it's not the one for me.

Coming from an 'elite' *coughs* institution where 85% my entire cohort's O level passing grade was a single digit, and 100% under 20, poly was never in the books.

In retrospect, I remember how I envisioned myself in AJC playing volleyball, or in VJ which, incidentally was my dream Pre-U college. It wasn't ambitious then, I passed the Gifted exam and was in the top 5% of the entire Singapore of my year.

Now? I sneer at myself.

I've squandered my time, my life frivolously. I still am. And if I am to be brutally honest, I loathe every fibre of my being for it.

I cannot bring myself to leave my family and pursue further education in greener lands.

What's left of the right choices for me?

I don't know. I really, really don't.

; emo one mullen years

2008-01-11T02:44:00.000+08:00

Monetary matters are so bringing me down. (so what else is new?)

The BF won't be booking out this weekend, his just deserts for sneaking in a few shut eye moments when he's supposed to be area cleaning. But fuck, why am I punished as well? :( :( :(

Rushing through my driving lessons so I can pick him up from camp without trouble the BF's mom. And less noble but more importantly, so I can get a car to call my own.

Seriously. I'm worn out, and weary. And this year's only beginning.

; against the world outside

2008-01-08T08:18:00.000+08:00

I'm utterly bored of my blogskin, but I'm too lazy to get to doing a brand new piece.

Haven't been sleeping well these couple of days, my internal clock is screwed up again. Like, sleep at 1 or 2am, wake at 4am that kinda crap.

Okay enough whinings.

Driving lessons are the dope of my life. Fun fun fun fun fun though I tickled my instructor a bright pink when I yelled 'UNCLE! GONNA CRASH!'.

It's ironic how I used to find solace and security in blogging despite the heavy human traffic, and how I pause and delete every other phrase I form now.

Some things are better left unsaid, and more importantly, unread.

I never used to understand the 'I love in silence because in silence there is no rejection' line and thought it was dense and retarded. I mean, what the heck, it doesn't even make sense.

Now it does. Hell it burns in my mind.

Us both, hands are tied; hearts' not free.

But I'll give it up, give it all away, simply if you want me to.

; daybreak

2008-01-07T10:03:00.000+08:00

Some money simply cannot be saved.

Getting a haircut by your most trusted hairdresser is definitely a want, not a need. Take it from me. In a bid to kickstart the Frugal life and save the $70 bucks I usually fork out for Shunji or Christine, I shrugged my shoulders and embraced Two Way Holistic. Only $28!!!

Bloody hell.

My youngest brother thinks I look like a nerd. Mom attempted to soothe my feelings by telling me 'It's okay, but why did you go to that salon?'

Omgwtfbbq.

Crappy fringe, what a brilliant start. :( :( :(

Emo 600 years. (HEH REMEMBER THIS ANYONE?)

; kinship

2008-01-02T19:29:00.000+08:00

Stab, stab, stab.

I'm not bleeding and I wonder why.

; apologies, glances and messed up chances

2007-12-31T18:06:00.000+08:00

always, all ways i wanted us to be,
always all ways you and me,
and i wait here on my own
and i wait for you to see
all the time i spend alone now won't comfort me.

Only a few hours left to a brand new year, a fresh new slate

and I'm still me.

; beyond

2007-12-31T15:42:00.000+08:00

Browsing past picture, after picture of bright crimson faces adorned with bloodshot eyes, I no longer grouse, no more grumbles of growing up too fast.

Thank god I am so over booze.

How can you not be, when your Dad presents you with a miniature glass of Martel when you're merely 7? 8? and tells you 'Everyone should learn to drink a tad. You'll need it for the clients, if not better reasons when you grow up'.

Then the infamous overdose of a bottle of it Pure, straight outta the glass flask.

Damn I will never bloody forget hurling like a little loser from 6am - 8pm at the goddamn hospital.

Life of debauchery this way, nah, not for me.

My brother's like some gangster and he doesn't touch a single sip of alcohol either. Similar, though not some melodramatic incident for him.

Oh did I mention, I won $100 at Baccarat last night. Now for another $100 to even up.

; standing at the rooftops

2007-12-31T01:03:00.001+08:00

I'm such, such a pushover.

My family (especially my older younger brother) knows exactly what buttons to push, transfiguring me from the surly Grinch to jolly ol St. Nicholas.

So close.. yet so far.

I really wanna scream my heart out.

But for now it'll be locked in the closet. Like where it belongs.

; porcelain

2007-12-29T03:46:00.000+08:00

sat up for hours
thoughts of a lover
i'd probably never get a chance to hold again

all of my days spent waiting for nights
with her again
again

and i'm sharing a drink with a memory
and a laugh with an empty seat

do you still look the same
will you still look at me the same

cos i know that i don't
i've gotten so old in this last few years

and i'd rather be fighting with you than
sleeping here next to her

don't let me fall i'll break
what a mess i'll make
pathetic pieces on your floor
will cut your feet forever more

you're porcelain
such fragile skin

just let me hold you
i'd be gentle
i won't drop you
this time i'll be careful

forget for just one second
that this is not alright

let's drink to feeling nothing
at least just for tonight

stay for one more
pass out on the floor
like we used to do
it got so hot in your room

and i can't let it go
this phantom pain i'm feeling

and the hurt won't leave me alone
and i'm tired of sleeping with ghosts

fell asleep with your ghost
woke up with a headache
from a cure that's only temporary
and in the morning
always fails me

; xin dong

2007-12-29T03:27:00.000+08:00

有多久没见你
以为你在那里
原来就住在我的心底
陪伴着我的呼吸

有多远的距离
以为闻不到你的气息
谁知道你背影这么长
回头就看到你

过去让它过去
来不及
从头喜欢你
白云缠绕着蓝天

如果
不能够永远都在一起
也至少给我们
怀念的勇气
拥抱的权利
好让你明白
我心动的痕迹

总是想再见你
还试着打探你的消息
原来
你就住在我的身体
守护我的回忆

; the golden path

2007-12-26T21:15:00.000+08:00

An angel.

Will always, always subdue the devil.

; last christmas

2007-12-26T12:39:00.000+08:00

Christmas was unexpectedly good.

Sometimes, the best thing in life is a surprise!

AND I got to hang up my sock like a kid (only this year, I sent it by text cos I wasn't home) and received one large note in it. HEHEHE.

LCW's getting me a _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ , a perfume of my choice (I declared perfume a yearly Christmas ritual and insisted that it's traditional like turkey and log cakes so technically, it's not a present it just comes with Xmas, and yummy dinner at Dylan's workplace.

Hahaha I'm so ripping him off.

But I'm getting him a mobile if that says anything about my generosity *smirks. Considering how he treats me..

Mom announced her need for a black bag earlier. It was like, tink! Pixie dust everywhere, time to dig my claws into Dad next!

; pictures of you

2007-12-19T11:50:00.000+08:00

Vic's 12 days of Christmas posts was hilarious! Lawl lawl lawl.

If anyone asked me what gift I'd like, offhand I would most certainly blurt out 'Hermes Birkin'. Or perhaps, 'Successful eyelid surgery with Dr Kim of Korea'.

A personal pad at Sentosa would be really nice. (click here for pictures) Salim lives at the Caribbean apartments, and it's pretty damn gorgeous. I so wish I'm a young and wealthy Indonesian affluent as well. No more wistful dreams of living at Don's apartment a stone's throw from Cine, or Chua's luxurious 6th Ave mansion.

Anyway. I need to get down and dirty with happy pills and alcohol.

And my boyfriend sucks.

; save the last dance for me

2007-12-17T03:03:00.000+08:00

So swift, the hands of the clock,
How fleeting, the days of the calendar,

The book of 2007 is coming to a close.

Thus ends my one year hiatus within the little haven of my world.

; fucked up

2007-12-14T20:34:00.000+08:00

I had an (almost) beautiful dream. Compared to the nightmares I get in abundance, I'm really in no position to complain.

But. FUCK.

My mom lost $1k+ in the house. Thief within these walls. I wonder who..

I searched desperately for my pack of cigs. Finally pinpointed its location after a couple of calls, then wham bam thank you mam it wasn't there!

Guess what, no guess what?

My goddamn grandmother THREW it away cos she insisted there wasn't any cig left in it!

BITCH.

FUCK I HATE LIFE.

; sorry, apologise

2007-12-14T12:24:00.000+08:00

as life goes on, i'm starting to learn more and more about responsibility. i realise everything i do is affecting the people around me. so i wanna take this time out and apologise for things i have done, and things that have not occurred yet. and the things they don't want to take responsibility for.

it's too late to apologise, it's too late..

; over you

2007-12-11T23:50:00.000+08:00

now that it's all said and done, i can't believe you were the one to build me up and tear me down like an old abandoned house. what you said when you left just left me cold and out of breath, i fell too far, was in way too deep, guess i let you get the best of me.

well i never saw it coming, i should've started running a long long time ago. and i never thought i'd doubt you, i'm better off without you more than you know. i'm slowly getting closure, i guess it's really over, i'm finally getting better. and now i'm picking up the pieces, i'm spending all of these years putting my heart back together.

cos the day i thought i'd never get through, i got over you.

you took a hammer to these walls, dragged the memories down the hall. packed your bags and walked away, there was nothing i could say. and when you slammed the front door shut, alot of others opened up, so did my eyes so i could see that you never were the best for me.

; my boo

2007-12-10T10:52:00.000+08:00

The father's no smoking at home injunction is ruining my life.

Hello dude, it is no fault of ours that the youngest picked up the habit.

I mean, like, since 4/5 of the family are smokers, also 4/8 of the homo sapiens under the roof, a compromise is the only fair way to eliminate resentment and maintain familial harmony.

; if

2007-12-09T18:32:00.000+08:00

if a picture paints a thousand words, then why can't i paint you? the words will never show, the you i've come to know.

if a face could launch a thousand ships, then where am i to go? there's no one home but you, you're all that's left me too.

and when my love for life is running dry, you come and pour yourself on me.

if a man could be two places at one time i'll be with you. tomorrow and today, beside you all the way.

if the world should stop revolving, spinning slowly down to die, i'll spend the end with you, and when the world was through.

then one by one,
the stars would all go out.

then you and i would simply.. fly.. away...

; where are you?

2007-12-03T10:53:00.000+08:00

Where are you Christmas?

Why can't I find you? Why have you gone away?
Where is the laughter you used to bring me, why can't I hear music play?

My world is changing,
I'm rearranging.

Does that mean Christmas changes too?

Where are you Christmas,
Do you remember, the one you used to know?

I'm not the same one, see what the time's done.
Is that why you have let me go?

; pergi untuk kembali

2007-11-30T17:00:00.000+08:00

Sometimes, there's nobody I loathe or despise more than that lying prick of a boyfriend.

Speaking of hatred. Lemme count the people on my permanent shitlist.

1) Nicholas (SFMS)
2) Josephine (Entertainment)
3) Anthony (BF Ex-Clique)
4) Kenneth (BF Ex-Clique)
5) FatMich (Gardens)
6) Samuel (Ex - BF)
7) KeeSiang (Point)

Yucks and Fucks to Y'all!

There's a very miniscule possibility that my dog might have nasty ticks on her little body.

; i'm not okay

2007-11-29T07:25:00.000+08:00

Aww, everybody go HOW TRAGIC JOV.

I'm barely halfway through and I can't make myself read anything any longer.

I wish I'm still foolishly but securely in dark like a lovelorn fool.

And I cannot believe you made out with that Thai girl whose face body probably even soul equates to the mere handicraft of money leeching plastic surgeons.

Wham bam alakazam.

Ugg, I wanna hurl so bad.

; only hope

2007-11-29T07:02:00.000+08:00

Reformatting the bloody computer wins hands down the Dumbest Jov Act of 2007.

I so desperately need release, but I can barely think of a single oh please I'm gonna slit my wrists song.

Chancing upon.. okay I lied, I searched almost relentlessly for your history.

And it leaves me with nothing but a bad case of heart burn and a bad taste in my mouth.

But you're still so goddamn beautiful, you make me ache with longing.

; tears to shed

2007-11-28T15:43:00.000+08:00

What does that wispy little brat have that you don't have double?

She can't hold a candle to the beauty of your smile.

How about a pulse?

Overrated by a mile
Over bearing
Overblown

If he only knew the you that we know.

And that silly little creature isn't wearing his ring, and she doesn't play piano or dance or sing.

No she doesn't compare.

But she still breathes air.

Who cares?

Unimportant
Overrated
Overblown

If only he could see how special you can be,
If he only knew the you that we know.

If I touch a burning candle, I can't feel the pain
If you cut me with a knife, it's still the same
And I know her heart is beating, and I know that I am dead
Yet the pain here that I feel, try and tell me it's not real
For it seems that I still have a tear to shed.

The sole redeeming feature from that little creature is that she's alive

Overrated
Overblown

Everybody knows that's just a temporary state, which is cured very quickly when we meet our fate.

Who cares?

Unimportant
Overrated
Overblown

If only he could see how special you can be,
If he only knew the you that we know.

If I touch a burning candle, I can feel no pain
In the ice or in the sun it's all the same
Yet I feel my heart is aching, though it doesn't beat it's breaking
And the pain here that I feel, try and tell me it's not real

I know that I am dead.

Yet it seems that I still have some tears to shed.

; prince of darkness

2007-11-24T04:13:00.000+08:00

My poor baby.

Not only did he

a) Had a major argument with me (that's saying something, considering how often we squabble)

He was also

b) Alleged to have hurled profanities at his officer?? sergeant?? and also of cheating with his friend in a run two weeks or so again, thus marking up two charges, of Insubordination and Integrity issues respectively

As well as

c) Kissing the butt of a greedy taxi driver who stopped suddenly and demands $300 in compensation along with the repair fees of the taxi. License plate and bonnet? of BF's car mildly 'disturbed'.

I don't get why we have to pay when it was he who stopped the car outta the blue. I mean, my bag flew outta my arms and all my stuff were scattered everywhere, and I also got a pretty painful bump.

Oh well.

Must remember to buy 4d tomorrow. Too bad I didn't catch the cab's license plate.

; smashed into pieces

2007-11-23T07:40:00.000+08:00

How long I've evaded my once dearly beloved Silverstein, I can't even begin to count. According to most of my former crew, Yours Truly = the very Imagery of the song.

Oh, ignore the sickening stench of childish sentimentality evoked in the previous entry.

Very rarely does outrage; indignation; shock and hurt mute my admittedly dubious ability for prose. But whatever, this is one of those times.

I more than deserve it.

Juliet's tale was declared the woe-st of them all, but at least Romeo didn't claim to be the only color in her EMO world. The cheek, the..

Thou shalt not go on.

; fighting fish

2007-11-22T03:14:00.000+08:00

I've slept exactly 3 hours, and that's only with the help of mild sleeping pills for the past 3 days. The scary thing is, I'm not in the least tired.

Bryan's 27th birthday today. Fun. Too bad Nick messed up and booked the biggest room available, just at the wrong outlet. Haha!

I've such a wonderful family. Daddy held my hand earlier. It felt.. weird. But sweet. I felt like a little girl again, content in the embrace of her blood. And my cuz and I realised we were more than sisters, we're practically best friends! :)

I've been lucky all my life. There's always someone out there, looking out for me. I knew that when Lydia gave me the bigger half of the cookie, when Raes never forgets to send me birthday cards every year from the US, when Vic and I had the Amazing Race from Jurong, Changi Prison, to Lavender's immigration to bid Daniel farewell after his release, when Mich laid me on her lap when I was drunk and vomitting like a Merlion, when Wanwin forgave my hurtful, nasty words the moment I called her, crying, when my cousin worries about my lack of appetite and sleep.

All I need now is to learn to trust my boyfriend 100% and not only forgive, but forget his mistakes that occured more than half a year ago.

Easier said than done, but I'm trying. I'm trying.

; 斗牛要不要!

2007-11-20T14:43:00.000+08:00

Mike He HAS to be the most gorgeous guy alive.

He just gets hotter and hotter with every drama.

The first episode was bloody DIAO. Can't wait for next Sunday!

; bloody national service

2007-11-20T02:41:00.000+08:00

I'm bored and starving, and it's all National Service's fault.

Omg I just saw Leo's nick, and it's that cheesy camp song my boyfriend kept sanging a month or two ago.

I ASKED MY GIRL TO TAKE A WALK, TO TAKE A WALK DOWN ORCHARD ROAD.

For the love of god...

; bu gong ping

2007-11-16T06:56:00.000+08:00

For as long as I can remember, I've always been a sucker for sappy Chinese, Cantonese or even Hokkien songs. Which naturally made me the butt of countless good natured jokes among the AngmohPais, which make up the majority of my friends.

I used to view my fondness for them as a weakness that will only be exploited. Might be the victim of malicious teasing, thought I. Then one day I woke up and thought, Hell, I can love Metallica, Nickelback, and Jay Chou all at the same time, can't I? That was a pivotal (in a certain way) moment of my life, short though it has been, so far anyway.

I can actually speak fluent albeit simplistic Mandarin, and my dialects are passable. Quite a number of people are unaware of that fact.

This is going to be pretty random. I'm currently in the midst of freezing into a human icicle in my boyfriend's room.

Did I mention I like techno? Only I prefer to term them Eurodance. Which reminds me of AhYi's IRC Channel, back in those good ol' days. #Dancing.with.Eurodance.at.Night or something along those lines. HAHAHA, those were the days, I kid you not.

These days, I wish I'm a kid again. I was rushing all my life to grow up, for reasons I now cannot fathom. If only I took my time, smelled the flowers, really savor the world the way only youth and naivete knew how..

I recall quite clearly a scene in the art room, 2nd year of Secondary, Xinmin. For once I was concentrating hard on my art piece rather than doing What's That Called.. something along the lines of Jumping Jacks for not handing up the previous week's assignment, well whatever. My teacher then, Ms Yvonne Ong (also sister of radio personality Daniel Ong, they look alike and speak alike but I digressed) touched my hair, and said not unkindly, but wistfully 'You shouldn't have rebonded it. You're only 14. Leave it as it is, it'll be fluffy not doubt but you've got plenty of time when you're older to do whatever you like to it.'

I wish I didn't pierce multiple earholes when I was 11. I wish I didn't pierce my nose when I was 13. I wish I didn't begin rebonding my hair when I was 13. I wish I didn't apply makeup when I was 13. I wish I never had to go through the agony of my best friend moving to the States when I was 13. I wish I didn't discover contacts when I was 14. I wish I didn't learn clubbing and smoking when I was 14. I wish I didn't skip school when I was 14. I wish I was never almost raped when I was 14. I wish I never cut myself when I was 14. I wish I never committed suicide when I was 14. I wish I never yelled at the Bitch of a Principal at Huayi and got myself expelled when I was 15.

I don't want to remember anything else anymore.

What the average reader's probably unable to grasp is that, all the above are typical in current-day Singapore. Eg. Self mutilation was practically unheard of. But a few years ago, it simply wasn't so.

I was the epitome of a girl who grew up too fast, and in my personality still bears the unseen stigma, like a scarlet letter on my breast, always close to heart.

; star movies

2007-11-10T23:39:00.001+08:00

Reap the repercussions,

Did I not tell you months ago that I recognised the symptoms, that I read the signs? Did I not warn you, advised you in goodwill to speak to your kin, to shower her with a tad more concern as opposed to your 'Don't bother, don't ask' routine?

I am always careful and considerate when smoking at your place. I leave no bloody trace. I hardly even smoke in the yard. Yet to conceal your flaws you push the blame to me. I don't see your need to feign ignorance of anyone smoking. It's clearer than clear.

And for god's sake, I will never again smoke in your house. So next time, any lighters boxes or ash around, I'm going to raise my voice and deny everything. Sick of picking up the pieces you broke.

; lonely

2007-11-09T03:31:00.000+08:00

It never once occurred to me that it could be the other way round.

Why would she willingly give up what I would give my everything for? What I've been desperately craving, nightly dreaming of, since the tender age of fourteen?

It is true, that one man's meat may be another's poison but this realisation led to an all too troubling self-discovery.

What I've been clinging on to- what could drive me to ecstasy in a fantasy world only to shatter any miserable ounce of my self-esteem all in a flicker of an instant, for such a prolonged period of time is more than likely just an idealized illusion, memories are sentimental, and vague and subjective after all, we remember only what we choose to, whether consciously or not.

I have elevated my Holy Grail to a celestial pedestal. Hopes so high will only crash and allow the manifestation of burning disappointment.

I have always imagined that if it belonged to me, the dark clouds will go away, and never come back for like fiery Apollo, it will chased them to the other end of the world. How wrong I have been.

The wind is neither whispering, nor whimpering now. It is raging.

; romeo & juliet

2007-11-08T21:13:00.001+08:00

My only hate sprung from my only love - yes, my boyfriend can be such a big fat piece of nasty-smelling beef JERKy sometimes.

He can so win the award for 'Worst Video Renter' of the Year. Who rents 3 outta 3 lousy videos we can't be bothered to finish?

Myself, on the other hand.. *clears throat*

- Romeo & Juliet (1968)
- Sleepy Hollow ~all time favourite!
- Secret Window

Romeo & Juliet is l33t. Even LowCheeWee couldn't resist watching despite the flowery language he's unable to comprehend thus MOI, the walking translator. Olivia H. is absolutely be-yooo-tiful!

; ohhhhhhh sweeney!

2007-11-05T11:16:00.000+08:00

Guess who's coming round this Christmas?

Nope not Santa, though I'm keeping my fingers crossed I'll be on his NICE not naughty list this year and get that Mulberry Baywater in Ostrich.

SWEENEY TODD!

Evil personified, as Johnny Depp potrays the haunted barber with bloodshot eyes and a streak of white in his thick shock of hair. The popular Broadway musical, under the direction of acclaimed director Tim Burton, I'm keeping my fingers crossed Johnny and Helena Bonham-Carter can sing. After all, he was from a rock band in his younger days. Creepy yet sensual, Bellatrix Lestrange plays Mrs Lovett, Sweeney Todd's amorous accomplice.

Here's the downer. It'll be released to a limited audience in the US on the 21st of December, but in Singapore, FEB 7 208. That's two whole months away from the US release!

Bugger. Hopefully, Bittorrent will save the day!

; dear, dear

2007-11-02T21:49:00.000+08:00

Gucci's winter bag and belt selection was hideous, such a disappointment.

Mom's mini operation went pretty much alright, her boob's still bleeding though, so as not to retain any 'dirty blood' I think. She'll have to head back to Mount E. tomorrow for a quick review.

Guess who I literally BUMPED into in town?

FAT Michelle, as fat as ever, and larger than life!

I recognised the battered blue teddy tee when I turned over, frowning irritably as she almost knocked me over.

The uncanny thing is, moments before, I was enjoying my baked rice at NYDC, and telling my cousin that I remember being here a long time with Wanwin, Mich, and FATMich.

Better go bathe to wash off any ill luck from that unexpected, unwanted encounter with that cockroach. *shudders disgustedly*

; niu zai hen mang!

2007-11-02T03:29:00.000+08:00

I am so gonna kill myself for not diligently reading the newspapers everyday or following up on the forums like I should have.

I'M GOING TO MISS BOTH DAYS OF JAY'S 2008 WORLD TOUR!

:( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :(

18th Jan is his birthday, it's bound to be a night to remember, probably Jay's mom and granny will be there with a gigantic cake, helium balloons and everything!

GRRRRR.

; kids say the darnest things

2007-11-01T11:47:00.000+08:00

For that very shallow side of me, I've finally found the perfect ~~excuse~~ explanatory statement.

Because you can't have depth without surfaces.

Questioned the little brother the other day, 'Sis, your LV bag is a fake right?'

!?!?!?!?!?!?!?

Hello? We went bag hunting at various boutiques for two consecutive days with the Parents remember? Albeit you were slouching on the couch like a duck caught in a shower until a $1000 pair of sneaker caught your eye.

I was so indignant, I opened my mouth only to close it a second later. I will not deign to enlighten him and his deluded train of thought.

The Cousin injected delightedly, 'Silly! Of course it's authentic!'

'Oh. I thought LV stands for Levis.'

He looked half-sheepish, half amused. I suppose it applied to his whack sense of humour, the expression on my face.

; i won't see you tonight

2007-10-30T10:43:00.000+08:00

Whatever happened to Moms who bake you cookies, tell you you're the sweetest little angel fallen from the heavens, or plain and simple, MIND THEIR OWN BEESWAX?

Mine is a major pain in the neck lately.

I haven't really forgiven her for being the first AND she will be the last, I can assure you, to give me a slap and I am only keeping my cool because she has an operation scheduled on Friday and I don't really want her to burst a boob or something.

PAH!

; -

2007-10-29T06:13:00.000+08:00

The boyfriend has TWO outfields this week. I think that was why he decided to retrieved companionship of the PSP for me, guess he thought I might be lonely?

BBDC on Weds & Thurs, wish me luck!

Three days down and I'm still stuck with a nasty cold. As I was typing this very sentence in fact, I simultaneously sneezed and had to fetch a piece of tissue. The poor area below my nose above my lip is bruised from all the friction.

Bernice's birthday yesterday, hoped she had a good one, everyone deserves a memorable if not semi-non forgettable 18th. Reminder to self: MUST stop procrastinating and go for driving lessons, otherwise I'll probably be the last bugger to get my license.

Operation saving money is not going too well. I go a little crazy at bookstores. And ordering food.

And I can't think of anything else to say, the cough syrup's addled my brain. Hey that rhymes. Now what did those SAS boys use to call cough syrup again? Oh yeah. Cheap thrills. Haha. I so remember Alwin gulping down an entire bottle on a certain fateful day a year back at ToaPayoh Mac.

Zipadeedoodah for now. Zipadeeday!

; over the rainbow

2007-10-25T09:14:00.000+08:00

It's a tad annoying how everyone's msn works pretty much fine on my computer but mine jams up everytime I type two sentences. I've reformatted the bloody thing twice and NA. DA. I wonder if it's because I have 15 groups. *shrugs*

Fully utilising MSN functions should be good. I can't compressed it all.. damn. Surprise! It screws up again! Bah, anyway, prioritising, there's * for me and Chwee, Family, Serangoon garden south, Xinmin, Huayi, St francis, St andrews, 86 86, 88, Volleyball, Gardens, Jurong, Males, Females, and a teeny pile of people I can't be bothered to sort out just yet. Gotta get down to deleting, I think having 300+ people is the problem, but if I have to eradicate people I know and don't talk to right now, that's probably two thirds my list.

Bored of my template, and too lazy to create a fresh piece (by that I mean rip off blogskins dot com and do some minor html editing) so you're stuck with this for the moment. Let us hope no creepy self-obsessed people come on all accusatory-like whining that I have a similar template to theirs - hello, default remember?

Poker championship on the PSP is the sex (LOL I know, I think it ridiculous that 15 year olds are using that phrase, what would they know of ~~sex~~ great sex?) And I beat my brother in Baccarrat earlier. 33.50 bucks but I secretly left 20 bucks in his wallet. Toto 3 million tonight!

Just going to explain my Quit Smoking on Monday theory to Yappie before I run off. Later!

; breathe again

2007-10-22T17:14:00.000+08:00

I just wanna breathe again
Learn to face the joy and pain
Discover how to
Laugh a little
Cry a little
Live a little more.

I just wanna face today
Forget about the worst of yesterday
Maybe if I
Hope a little
Try a little more

I know I'm hopelessly outdated but Dou Yu (The Outsiders) is seriously a must watch drama series with a good plot but slightly mediocre acting.

; outsiders

2007-10-21T21:13:00.000+08:00

We humans can easily get used to every single thing.

Take this for an example. The toilet stinks so badly, but there's only one and you really need to poop. So you hold your breath and step in. The poop takes forever. Hey! By the time you're done and flushed, the toilet doesn't seem to smell at all.

See?

That's why when the same shit keeps occurring, it hurts lesser and lesser. But this weary resignation hurts me more than the deed itself.

; i live in toa payoh

2007-10-16T17:53:00.000+08:00

My uncle gave me a huge grin and went 'Louis Vuitton, my friend!', pointing at my bag with the dustbag lying on top of it. Hahaha. I forgot my aunts and her husband were the original LV lovers of the family.

My little cousin is the epitome of great genes. My uncle and aunt both has larger than usual eyes and that came up nicely on her, with a lovely fair rosy complexion. She's gonna be a gorgeous woman one day.

My BF pissed me off major when he hung up on me and turned off his phone again, but for once, he actually turned it on after 5 mins and called me back. So everything's fine and dandy. If only he knew how easy it can be to solve matters, instead of leaving me to cry and sulk the whole night. LOVE HIM.

I want that Mulberry purple ostrich. I don't know why I'm so into ostriches lately. Thinking of selling the Gucci messenger meant for my brother but he didn't want since I'm not a fan of sling bags but getting 400 for a 900 bag used less than half a year doesn't seem worth it somehow.

Oh and I so need to catch up on my driving. I've been slacking for months now.

; bu tong

2007-10-15T15:03:00.000+08:00

I'm going to quit smoking soon.

I know, I've said it a million times but lately the only times I need to smoke are when I wake up, after I eat and before I sleep. And when I'm bored. Think it's due to the training when I live over at the SO's, only sneaky sneaky or when we're out.

Xmas is round the corner. Celebrating the second one with the BF this year. Pretty dope huh. We're doing fine, sometimes we fight but we always make up. Our common hot temper, his white lies (okay, just one stupid small lie which bugged the hell out of me), my insecurities. The best part is when I snuggle in his arms before sleeping, inhaling the familiar scent of him and the comforter that's when I feel that no matter how screwed life can get, things are gonna be okay.

; blah

2007-10-08T17:15:00.000+08:00

I just realised I have really dumb titles.

And I need a new blog skin. This ugly thing is so getting to me.

; glazed eyes

2007-10-08T16:35:00.000+08:00

I get a headache when I use the computer these days. Maybe it's cos my moniter is SHIT compared to the boyfriend's 21 inch one.

Bla bla byebye.

; brain freeze

2007-10-07T08:39:00.000+08:00

I feel like changing my hair color.

This 'matt brown' is getting on my nerves, especially with a touch of my roots showing. I know I should just go back to black, but black's so.. boring.

And I went red this year already, and Touche to some of you out there but hell am I never going to go blonde again.

And I think I can safely say that to pink, blue and all the kickass colours I use to do.

Was thinking chocolate. Looks black, but isn't black..?

I know, an entire entry on hair color. Don't mind me.

; plasma telly

2007-10-05T17:11:00.000+08:00

Dreams can be so desperately vivid.

Reunion after four years, hands are tied, hearts not free.

R + J Forever. :)

; one sweet day

2007-10-04T14:55:00.000+08:00

One of the reasons why I avoided (okay, avoid is too strong a word, more like stepped aside) my friends is because I'm weary of the inevitable drama that will happen sometime or other in even the strongest of friendships which hurts me like hell.

Recently I've came to miss them, the good parts of comfort and a shoulder to lean on. Or simply having regular people to hang out with.

But reading a friend's blog, and her severe conflict with her best friend reinforce my theory that the bad parts more often outweighs the good ones.

And now drama is within my very family.

My brother is prime suspect for robbery cos he fits the description of being a certain height and having a tattooed arm. We found the fucker, but I'm still not sure reporting him is the best idea, what if the police turns around and interrogates me and I slip up or something?

My younger brother has skipped two consecutive days of school, lied that he was going to the shop and ended up somewhere else till late at night, and today, left goodbye you can contact me at yada yada number letters to me, my brother and my cousin.

My mother is a psychotic wreck who gave me the first couple of slaps in my life for being 'rude to her' when she was asking me about my brother. Ha. She thinks he didn't really struck 4d but got the money from robbery. And she didn't ask HIM anything, she asked ME. And guessed who bore the brunt of her wrath? Fucking bitch.

My dad had to stuggle with her, half strangle her, and yell at her for taking out her unhappiness on a child (me) and she threatened to commit suicide like a mad cow.

Nutcases I swear.

; dad's morning exercise

2007-10-02T09:35:00.000+08:00

Haven't slept a wink and I'm heading off to work in a few (giving up my sleep for hanging out at shop equates work in my book hey) cos Bryan's grandma passed away and Nic's down with some.. I don't know, just sick or something?

I swear, our common fondness of the decadent act that gambling is was and can very possibly still prove to be the bane of my entire family.

Take my brother. He just won 4d and $350 at TMK's mass the night before last remember? Well last night he bloody lost $800 at the same mass. Brrrr. The queer and scary thing is, the $800 seems so insignificant compared to the 2grand debt he chalked up the other time, so neither of us are very affected by this loss. Just took it as, money come, money go you know? Bloody hell, now that I think of it $800 is a reasonable sum of money.

It's just like my Dad said, we gotta watch it cos we've got this gambling-addict gene in our blood or something.

I am so sick of living in a tiny house. True, I'd probably miss sharing a room with the bro after 18 years but still. I wanted to exercise the other day and I was thinking damn I used to have the treadmill the tricycle and some weird stepping up and down thingy in my house. I wanted to play a game of billards and I remembered damn I used to have the bloody table in my house. For fuck's sake my DVD and Kbox system is down! The computer's in the living room, so's the SCV. I mean, what's the point of getting most of the channels only to have the goddamn box in the living room?! NO AIR CON! We wanted to get a pool table but it didn't fit into the tiny shophouse and now we've rented it out so.

SIAN AH.

; drumbeats

2007-10-01T20:37:00.000+08:00

I finally know what Sel means by buying 4d for a hope.

In the past month, my brother struck 4d twice already! And he would've won another 2 times if he bought system 7! But it's good enough already yo,

Like I kinda believe there is a God out of all this. He has a 2k debt, so he wins some money. I don't really need the money, so I didn't win. Lol but quite fun anticipating the results every weds and weekends.

; my love my fate

2007-09-27T06:01:00.000+08:00

I am not a forgiving person, oh please spare me the 'magnanimity is a virtue' backlash, I really couldn't care less.

Fucked up people deserve what they get, karma's the best bitch out there who proves that justice, even if only occasionally, does exist.

Haha. I gloat and rub my hands in glee over your unhappiness, know that? :D

Anyways,

the Boyfriend's in platoon J, and he very sweetly texted me 'J for Jovina!' and my acquaintance's man's in the same platoon, AND the same section as well. HAHA.

The bunch of us yak so much about our boys all the time that we wondered whether they actually know each other, and once or twice we hit jackpot and we get all giggly and excited about it. Some female hormone thing, no doubt.

We had our 1st year anniversary the day before he booked in. Here's a self amusement snippet to share,

'Baby can I have a Tiffany & Co. ring?' (Straight to the point, ask and you shall get says the Lord)

'Okay.'

'Huh. You're not even gonna ask how much it's gonna cost you?'

'What for? Knowing you it's bound to cost no less than a bomb in my pocket.'

HEHEHE. I love having a boyfriend that knows me so well.

; the 16th

2007-09-26T23:10:00.000+08:00

Are you, modern 21st century homo sapien, aware that, contrary to popular belief, the traditional Mid Autumn (thanks to Mavis I know the correct term is neither Mooncake nor Lantern) Festival -fifteen day of the eighth month on the lunar calendar, does not play host to the perfect orb of a moon?

It is in fact, today, the 16th that the celestial body forms an immaculate, precise sphere of molten gold. Proudly beaming upon us all, so regally, so gloriously.

"You are no sun, but you are the moon. You do not allow bathing upon your rays, but basking upon your glow. The moon belongs not to the light, to darkness instead, but regardless it is still beautiful. Remember that."

Thank you.

; wheeeee

2007-09-25T03:20:00.000+08:00

I am like, so sorry I'm sounding off sucha shallow-ist at heart, but tell me.

HOW CAN YOU NOT HAVE A LOVE HATE RELATIONSHIP WITH VICTORIA BECKHAM?

100 and counting Hermes bags I tell you. Bloody hell.

My envy threshold erupted the moment I saw that pristine white Birkin in the Purse blog. I'd always major dig white bags and it is to DIE FOR I tell you.

You see. I couldn't be bothered to blog when I wanted to whine about my BF's first day in Sispec but here I am hating VB down to her Christian Louboutin's.

I'm so superficial I wanna stab myself. Oh bye.

; imagine 10 of you

2007-09-23T05:44:00.000+08:00

So I was fooling around on Imeem when I thought of that song and oh so naturally HY came to mind. After all, he was the one who introduced this song we all came to love that particular day at JE Kbox with his green jacket on me and him freezing half to death.

So I Friendster-ed him, and he's with a Cancer girl just like I always knew he would. Taurians complements Cancerians like how Shakira's hips sway in Hips Don't Lie, asi es perfecto. Just not me.

I'm not bitter, really. And unlike Longda, I wasn't shocked by his saccherine sweet gestures on his girl's birthday. Rose petals scattered on the bed forming a perfect heart with an I-love-you in the middle. That spells HY all over it.

I realise I always blog heavy. Don't be mistaken. Life is just cruising, it's just that I'm too lazy on those breezy days. Ah well.

; a walk to remember

2007-09-20T15:24:00.000+08:00

So,

I've had this dreadful flu from last week, and just yesterday I developed a nasty cough which aggravated my barely healed, still tender throat. Know why, know why?

Courtesy of the boyfriend. I just don't get why he point black refuses to see the doc. "I already know what's wrong with me, I'll just take medication, why waste the money?" Yada yada, my foot. Yeah, not waste money but waste my mom's. Thanks to him, HELLO AGAIN FLU & SORETHROAT! JOIN THE CLUB, COUGH! I must have blew/spat through an entire tree's worth of tissue papers already.

And I usually am a big dog lover but his dog is really, getting to me. The aircon's on but we can't close the door cos the bloody creature can't make up it's mind whether it wants to stay in or out. AND it chomped on ALL my medication so I have like, nada left.

I should be all christian and sympathetic after watching A Walk to Remember but somehow, I can't manage it.

; when you're gone

2007-09-17T17:02:00.000+08:00

Fuck no smoking cos my throat can't take it. I deserve a break.

Did I mention I do a pretty good Avril impersonation? Honest! Just as whiny and angst-fueled.

I heard the Pieces don't fit in song on Rach's blog, dope shit.

Guess what, I'm goddamn miserable and I only have my dog for comfort.

And the doctor today remembered me from my anti depressants days and he talked to me about youth being gone in a flash and him being 2/3s of his life closer to his grave. I just noticed his hair was tied up in a little ponytail.

Okay the fag made me feel worst than ever. I guess that's what being sick with no food and medicine in your stomach does to you.

Fuck it.

; sick

2007-09-17T16:45:00.000+08:00

Remember how ill you felt, how weak and fatigue when you're down with a fever, flu and a swelling throat to boot?

Throw in a lying boyfriend of a year and whoopee, that makes up the worst day of my life.

; sipping soup

2007-09-12T17:53:00.000+08:00

I just really really want a pair of Jimmy Choos.

In LiuXingHuaYuan, Jing was going on about how everyone needs a good pair of shoes to transport them all over the world.

I need a pair of Jimmies to do that.

OH PLEASE LET ME GET A PAIR OF JIMMIES THOUGH I STILL CAN'T JUSTIFY THROWING A GRAND ON A SHOE WHICH IS GONNA GET DIRTY ANYWAY.

Christian Louboutin will be fine, beggers can't be choosers right?!

OH PLEASE OH PLEASE OH PLEASE.

; ai tai yuan

2007-09-12T14:17:00.000+08:00

I don't know why I'm feeling so goddamn irritable right now.

The BF's POPing today, and I'm not going cos he only has two tickets and both parents want to attend so too bad for me. Oh well, it's not that I bother since the weather's so fucking hot anyway.

I absolutely loathe it when the house phone rings cos everyone has to rush to the living room to answer since thanks to the cousin and the younger brother's inconsideration months back every phone is confiscated and the dad's still safekeeping them.

Okay wish me luck I don't wanna jinx anything so keeping my mouth shut for the time being.

; x files

2007-09-10T00:25:00.000+08:00

So my girl's shedding, and whenever I'm home I'm in the perpetual state of being covered in fur all over.

But I don't care, she still comes on the bed anyway. Until I next change my bedsheets that is.

I'm such a telly addict, I can sit in front on the tee and watch shows for hours, especially with the great new SCV channels we signed up for.

And I'm rereading the shoppaholic series. I so love Becky Bloomwood. :D

; stranger

2007-09-07T10:14:00.001+08:00

Hilary Duff is so goddamn hot in the video, I know, I can't believe I'm saying that.

Nobody believes me when I tell them that you're out of your mind. Nobody believes me when I tell them that there's so much to hide. You treat me like a queen when we go out, wanna show everyone what our love's about. All wrapped up in me whenever there is a crowd, but when no one's around,

There's no kindness in your eyes. The way you look at me it's just not right. And I can tell you what's going on this time, there's a stranger in my life. You're not the person that I once knew. Are you scared to let them know it's you? If they could only see you like I do, then they would see a stranger too.

Did I ever do anything that was this cruel to you? Did I ever make you wonder who was standing in the room? You made yourself look perfect in every way, so when this goes down I'm the one who will be blamed. Your plan is working so you can just walk away. Baby, your secret's safe.

Such a long way back, from this place that we were at. When I think of all the time I've wasted, I could cry.

; next life

2007-09-07T09:53:00.000+08:00

The world may think I'm worrying over nothing, that I'm generally being the mistrustful, over paranoid pipsqueak of a person that I am, but I know better.

My intuition, rarely, you could say never, misses too far off it's mark.

I can't believe it's happening again.

Question is, what do I do now?